Reports Mom of Many in Mendota Heights: “The Winter Carnival is upon us. For me, it’s a tradition steeped with hundreds of wonderful memories and two bad ones. Today I thought I’d share one of the bad ones with BB readers. This story is forever frozen in my mind. Thankfully it has a happy ending!
“Nine years ago, Dad of Many was on a business trip, so I decided to do a fun outing with the kiddos. (We had five at the time.) It was the evening of the Torchlight Parade, and I wanted to get them out of the house.
“After bundling all of them up, we headed downtown and found a great spectators’ spot near the old Bockstruck Jewelers. I had the baby girl on my back, and her big brothers inched ahead of me a few feet so that they could sit on the curb and see the Winds go by with their beautiful princesses, the bouncing girl fly into the air, and, of course, King Boreas Rex ride by with his Queen of the Snows.
“Knowing that the parade ends with the Vulcans, I called the kiddos to me when I spotted their infamous fire truck, illuminated by torches, in the distance. As I gathered them to my side, I noticed that the 5-year-old was missing. He had gotten swept away with the crowd toward Rice Park! We screamed ‘Joey, Joey!’ – but he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Just then, two mounted police came to our aid. We were hopeful that, from their vantage point, they might spot a small, curly-haired boy. But it was to no avail.
“They instructed me to go to the Lost and Found tent at the Minnesota Mutual (Securian) building – which was in the opposite direction. Feeling like we were abandoning Joey, but knowing that the officers would continue to search, we jogged to the Lost and Found.
“By now, the older ones were cold and complaining. I snapped at them: ‘How can you act selfishly when your little brother is missing!’ To keep them from whining, I had them pray with this chant: ‘Good St. Anthony, please come around, someone’s lost and can’t be found!’
“After enduring a very heart-heavy trek, we finally arrived at our destination. We saw a squad car pull up to the tent. A nice policewoman got out, and I ran to her. The back door opened, and there was our Joey. I pulled him into my arms, and we cried and cried. I was so grateful to have him back, safe and sound!
“The plot thickens. When we arrived at our warm home across the Mississippi, I put the kiddos to bed. Of course we were emotionally and physically exhausted. Since the hubby was still out of town, I thought I’d better call him and share this tale. All of a sudden, the dog went ballistic – barking like a ‘banshee’ as he ran to all the windows. I saw men with flashlights going around the perimeter of our house. What the heck? I started to really lose it, until I realized it was the police. Now what? I guess in all the commotion, I’d set off the silent alarm – unaware that we even had such a thing.
“The next Monday, I shared this story with the teachers and other moms at preschool. I was still upset as I laid before them every mother’s nightmare: having a child get lost. The teacher, who happens to be married to my uncle, exclaimed: ‘My sisters are the ones who found Joey and took him to the police. I was at a family party, and they were telling a story of how they found this little lost boy at the Torchlight Parade. Now I’ll have to tell them it was our Joey!’ Eventually we were able to thank those nice ladies for rescuing Child No. 3. And needless to say [Bulletin Board says: Oh, well], I don’t bring the kiddos on major excursions by myself anymore!”
Today’s helpful hint
Vivian of White Bear: “This morning after the snow flurries left about a half-inch of snow on the driveways, I noticed the folks out shoveling.
“I am not into shoveling, and it was not enough snow to bring out the big machine, so I just took my leaf blower and blew out the whole driveway – and it only took about four minutes. Problem solved.”
Our pe(s)ts, ourselves
Grammie Deb: “My pal SueN has household perils of an unusual sort: ‘I’ve mentioned that the cats try to use the computer in the kitchen. Today they had again tried to add an item to the shopping list – their spelling is worse then my husband’s. They had also called up Help Support and an AOL login screen. I sure hope they don’t know our credit card number! I would be annoyed if I got a bill for access to a “Kurvaceous Kitty” site. ; )’
“Are those critters pets or pests?!”
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon?
D. Mag in Arden Hills: “I enjoy reading B.B. with my morning coffee and submit this happening. Does it qualify as a B-M?
“Last week – Thursday, to be exact – I had my gall bladder out, arthroscopically, and the four little incisions were closed with Super Glue. (But that’s another story.)
“Friday a.m., while recuperating at home, I decided to entertain myself by listening to some of the CDs in my extensive collection, many of which I have purchased at garage sales and filed for such a time. I ran across a CD by one of my favorite musical satirists, Tom Lehrer. (Many years ago, rumor has it, Lehrer had been fired from his academic post at Harvard for writing and performing ‘Fight Fiercely, Harvard,’ a most tongue-in-cheek school song ridiculing this Ivy League institution.) I popped the disc in, and, to my amusement, the first song I heard was Lehrer introducing National Gall Bladder Week! And that’s the truth!”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: We presume you’d heard of gall bladders sometime before you had yours removed, D. Mag. So: No B-M – but a satisfying (we trust) Joy of Juxtaposition.
And that’s the truth!
Come again?
Another episode of creative hearing, reported by Lynne’s Friend: “Over the weekend, I was involved in an activity that required me to stay outside – in that barely-above-zero-degree weather – for several hours. Someone had brought a ‘fish house heater’ along: a portable heating mechanism attached to an LP tank. The heater threw off a good amount of heat, but threw it only a short ways. This meant that for one to get warm, it was necessary to stand very close to the heating unit.
“As I was well bundled on my top half, and less well bundled on my bottom half, I mostly stood with my back to the heater, warming my behind. I had a flashback to an episode that happened several decades ago:
“I’d made a trip to Michigan to meet the parents of my then-boyfriend. My guy and I decided that in spite of the cold outside, we wanted to roast hot dogs over an open fire on the wooded acreage his parents owned a few miles from their home. So, dressed warmly and packing all the necessities, we journeyed to the woods.
“We stayed out for quite some time, enjoying our supper and each other’s company. When we got back to his parents’ house, they were still up, and wanted to talk.
“At one point his mother commented that the temperature outside was very low. She asked: ‘Didn’t your buns freeze?’
“I replied: ‘No, when we got cold, we just stood up and turned around for a while.’ And the conversation flowed on.
“Suddenly the dad started laughing out loud. ‘I think you two were talking about two different types of buns,’ he said. We hadn’t even noticed; we were both satisfied that the other knew exactly what was asked and what was answered.
“In reality, she was thinking hot-dog buns, while I was thinking body-part buns.
“Warm buns: essential to cold-weather survival – no matter what type of buns they are.”
Patient, heal thyself!
Gordy, the Hertel Ham: “Speaking of what you put in your pocket after nose cleaning:
“Kleenex uses to have the slogan ‘Don’t put a cold in your pocket.’ Good advice then and now!”
Band Name of the Day:
Warm Buns
Web Site of the Day:
Retromercials, “The Good, The Weird, The Wonderful” – recommended by AJ’s Mom of “Casablanca-by-the-Sea,” at http://tinyurl.com/235e9f
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon
We believe (but are not certain – and apologize if we are wrong) that this came from Missing Minne (From Wherever I Am): “Subject: Made of Meat.
“I believe my daughter had a Baader-Meinhof experience last week.
“My son is currently studying short stories in school. One morning, he asked me to help him read ‘They’re Made Out of Meat,’ by Terry Bisson. It is written as a dialogue, where each line alternates who is speaking, without identifying each speaker’s name. We read it aloud, with me reading one character’s lines and he the other. My daughter was getting ready to leave for school, and as she heard the story, she asked: ‘What are you reading?!’ She thought it was a strange story.
“The next day after school, she came rushing in to me with a book in her hand. ‘Read this!’ she exclaimed, as she shoved the book in front of my face. It was the same story, reprinted in the book ‘The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force.’ She had received the book for Christmas and had started it during a break at school. The story appeared right near the beginning of Chapter One. She said that she was so amazed that she was practically bursting to tell someone, but there wasn’t anyone around to tell at school.
“If you haven’t read ‘They’re Made Out of Meat,’ it was published in Omni magazine in 1991, and you can find a copy here: http://tinyurl.com/v1zq.”
What’s in a name?
Red’s Offspring, north of St. Paul: “I learn something new every day. Today, thanks to an article in the Business section of Wednesday’s Pioneer Press, I learned about ‘ the Vice Fund, a mutual fund that invests in tobacco, gambling, alcohol and military contractors.’
“That’s what I call truth in labeling.”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: And what do “military contractors” have to do with “vice”?
Rhetorical question! That’s a subject for the Op-Ed pages!
The dangerous old days
Bill of “the other Rochester (WA)”: “I distinctly remember handling asbestos as a boy. It was soft and slippery-feeling matted material that had been taken out of a building being torn down.
“I, too, was attracted to the mosquito-fogger trucks that would come around the residential neighborhoods when we lived in Ohio. My parents would get after me for it, but I would ride my bicycle in and out of the fog cloud for blocks.
“What I will die of is yet to be decided. I just hope it is not modern medicine.”
The darnedest things
WARNING! Cute kid story ahead, from Papawilde: “Four-year-old Matthew: ‘I love you, Mommy.’
“Mom: ‘I love you more.’
“Matthew: ‘I want to marry you.’
“Mom: ‘But I am married to Daddy.’
“Matthew: ‘We could send Daddy to the Lost and Found.’ “
Copyright 2007 Pioneer Press.