Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed inIraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A man goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"
 "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years" The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
 employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded
near me and blew my testicles off."
 The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
 10:00 A M."
 The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"
 "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."
Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
An Irish man, Mexican man and blonde man were construction workers on the 20th floor. They sat one day on the scaffolding eating lunch.
Irish man: If I get a corned beef sandwich one more time IÂ’m going to jump off this building.
Mexican man: If I get a burrito one more time IÂ’m going to jump off this building.
Blonde man: If I get a balony sandwich one more time IÂ’m going to jump off this building.
The next day, they are in the same place sitting down to have lunch. The Irish man opens his lunchbox and sees corned beef. He jumps off the building. The Mexican man opens his lunch and sees a burrito and jumps. The blonde opens his lunch, sees a baloney sandwich and jumps. At the funeral, the Irish wife said “If I’d only known I wouldn’t have made him corned beef sandwich. The Mexican wife said: If I’d only known I would have made him a tamale instead. The Blonde’s wife said: He made his own lunch.
Man: IÂ’m sick of being on welfare. Get me a job now!
Welfare worker: Really? Well, youÂ’re in luck. We just had a job come in that would be perfect for you.
Man: What is it for and how much does it pay?
Welfare worker: ItÂ’s to be a constant companion for a 25 yr old nymphomanic who cannot get enough sex. You are to follow her around to all the hotspots in town and drive with her in her Mercedes convertible. Oh, and it pays $200,000 per year.
A female head of state gets hit by a car and goes to heaven.
Once there, she meets St. Peter and asks to pass through the golden gate and into heaven.
St. Peter: We have a rule that you cannot pass through the golden gate until youÂ’ve spent one full day in hell and one full day in heaven. Then we ask you to decide where you want to spend eternity.
The woman, says fine and is sent to hell. She found herself at the gate of hell and upon opening the gate, she sees a beautiful green golf course with luxurious clubhouse. The devil was there with all her friends and political cohorts. They drink champagne and play a magnificent round of golf. At the end of the day she is sent back to St. Peter. St Peter then sends her for a day in heaven. It is plain with friends flying around playing the harp and singing hymns. It was quite different than her experience in hell.
St. Peter: Well, youÂ’ve experienced heaven and hell. Now, where do you want to spend eternity?
Woman: Well, I never thought IÂ’d want to go anywhere but heaven. Hell was so nice and my friends were there so thatÂ’s were I want to go.
St. Peter: If that is your decision, so be it. Here you go!
The woman finds herself at the gate of hell. She opens the gate and instead of seeing a beautiful green golf course, she is met my a barren landscape and her friends and political cohorts are dressed in rags. She sees the devil standing there.
Woman: What happened? Where is the golf course and why are my friends now dressed in rags?
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together the comments that were
funny and sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head.(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age :ooh:
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
A couple were invited to a swanky family, masked, fancy dress, Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion. Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He re turned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with ever yone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible b u rden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur' s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beau tiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food
court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. He replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed inIraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,
"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
 talking
 about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said
 to
 her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
 machine
 and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the
 plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Bitch...
too bad it didn't work ---DOH!
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
A man goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"
 "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years" The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
 employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded
near me and blew my testicles off."
 The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
 10:00 A M."
 The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"
 "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."
~ Tough Love vs. Spanking ~
(a psychological conundrum)
Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
A Friend
room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
   You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I
shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
   I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to
inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is
young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful
businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that
we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes
into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
- Number of the Blonde Beast
uh... what was that number again?
Gay Starwars
Get a date
Irish man: If I get a corned beef sandwich one more time IÂ’m going to jump off this building.
Mexican man: If I get a burrito one more time IÂ’m going to jump off this building.
Blonde man: If I get a balony sandwich one more time IÂ’m going to jump off this building.
The next day, they are in the same place sitting down to have lunch. The Irish man opens his lunchbox and sees corned beef. He jumps off the building. The Mexican man opens his lunch and sees a burrito and jumps. The blonde opens his lunch, sees a baloney sandwich and jumps. At the funeral, the Irish wife said “If I’d only known I wouldn’t have made him corned beef sandwich. The Mexican wife said: If I’d only known I would have made him a tamale instead. The Blonde’s wife said: He made his own lunch.
Man: IÂ’m sick of being on welfare. Get me a job now!
Welfare worker: Really? Well, youÂ’re in luck. We just had a job come in that would be perfect for you.
Man: What is it for and how much does it pay?
Welfare worker: ItÂ’s to be a constant companion for a 25 yr old nymphomanic who cannot get enough sex. You are to follow her around to all the hotspots in town and drive with her in her Mercedes convertible. Oh, and it pays $200,000 per year.
Man: Are you serious?
Welfare worker: No, but neither were you.
Once there, she meets St. Peter and asks to pass through the golden gate and into heaven.
St. Peter: We have a rule that you cannot pass through the golden gate until youÂ’ve spent one full day in hell and one full day in heaven. Then we ask you to decide where you want to spend eternity.
The woman, says fine and is sent to hell. She found herself at the gate of hell and upon opening the gate, she sees a beautiful green golf course with luxurious clubhouse. The devil was there with all her friends and political cohorts. They drink champagne and play a magnificent round of golf. At the end of the day she is sent back to St. Peter. St Peter then sends her for a day in heaven. It is plain with friends flying around playing the harp and singing hymns. It was quite different than her experience in hell.
St. Peter: Well, youÂ’ve experienced heaven and hell. Now, where do you want to spend eternity?
Woman: Well, I never thought IÂ’d want to go anywhere but heaven. Hell was so nice and my friends were there so thatÂ’s were I want to go.
St. Peter: If that is your decision, so be it. Here you go!
The woman finds herself at the gate of hell. She opens the gate and instead of seeing a beautiful green golf course, she is met my a barren landscape and her friends and political cohorts are dressed in rags. She sees the devil standing there.
Woman: What happened? Where is the golf course and why are my friends now dressed in rags?
Devil: The election is over and we won the race!
Women to the man: Are you new here?
Man: Yes I am.
Women: Where did you come from?
Man: To tell you the truth, I just got out of prison for chopping up my wife into little pieces.
One woman: So youÂ’re single?
Redhead: Doctor, I hurt everywhere.
Doctor: Why donÂ’t you touch every location where you hurt.
The redhead proceeds to touch her leg and scream; touch her arm and scream; touch her belly and scream; and on and on.
Doctor: YouÂ’re not really a readhead are you?
Redhead: No, IÂ’m a natural blonde, how did you know?
Doctor: Your fingerÂ’s broken.
Woman: Doctor, the baby is not eating properly. Is there something wrong?
 Doctor: Is the baby being breast or bottle fed?
Woman: Breast fed.
Doctor: Strip down to your waist so I may do an examination.
The woman strips down and the doctor proceeds to kneed her breast in all directions.
Doctor: The problem is you donÂ’t have any milk in your breasts.
Woman: IÂ’m the babyÂ’s grandmother not the mother but IÂ’m so glad I came in today.
Woman: I need some arsenic to poison my husband.
Pharmacist: I canÂ’t do that, itÂ’s illegal!
Woman: No, seriously, I need some arsenic to poison my husband.
Pharmacist: That is illegal and immoral and I canÂ’t give it to you!
Woman: you donÂ’t understand, my husband is having an affair and I need to kill him.
With that she pulls out a photo of her husband and the pharmacistÂ’s wife having sex.. The pharmacist takes a look at the photo and says:
You didnÂ’t tell me you had a prescription.
I just wish I could remember them long enough to tell them.
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together the comments that were
funny and sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head.(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age :ooh:
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
cootchie. (Julie age 7)
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
comes in to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors
and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment in your boat, and for all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden .
"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you
could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," he said, and he left.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Nick, theres a place in Mpls that has open mike night. If you go than please post, call or egram me. I'd really like to go.
TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone,
he said, "quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flopyour fat
butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh NO, it's started."
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP
SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS I N TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's
ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING.
WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.
I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO
GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP
AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT
NO CLOTHES ON! "THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO
THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.
"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B., " SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!" :sheepish: :eek:
do you
see?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
do
you
see
here?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
the 2nd one is creepy..
do
you
see
now?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
when you look through ME
you will see
YOU!
I see 2 pieces of popcorn and a fishy
what's the first optical illusion you see on google image search???
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He re turned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with ever yone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible b u rden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur' s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beau tiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly