In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry..
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff anyway?)
wonders if its the same amount of calories for banging your head on the desk ;) I heard you lose much more calories when banging the husband...or was that the lover boyfriend? ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. He says "I'll bet $50 that nobody here has a musical instrument this octopus can't play." A man in the bar got a guitar. The octopus picked it up, tuned the strings and began playing a Hendrix song. The man smiled and picked up the $50. Another man brought up a trumpet. The octopus licked it's lips, picked it up and began playing a jazz solo. The man handed the octopus' owner $50. The bartender brought over a set of bagpipes. He put them in front of the octopus and said, "If he can play that, I'll give you $100." The octopus looked at the bagpipes, lifted them up and turned them over. His owner bent down and whispered, "What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play them." The octopus replied, "Forget playing it. If I can figure out how to take off it's pajamas, I'm gonna screw it."
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now  here are The Rules from the male side. These are our  rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON  PURPOSE!  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it  down. You don't hear us complaining about you  leaving it down.  1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never  going to think of it that way.  1. Crying is blackmail.  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this  one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not  work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!  1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers  to almost every question.  1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help  solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your  girlfriends are for.  1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.  1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in  an argument. In fact, all comments become null and  void after 7 days.  1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret  girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't  ask us.  1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,  and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant  the other one.  1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us  how you want it done. Not both. If you already know  best how to do it, just do it yourself.  1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have  to say during commercials.  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and  neither do we.  1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows  default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,  not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no  idea what mauve is.  1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.  1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we  will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are  lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.  1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer  to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.  1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything  you wear is fine. Really.  1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you  are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the  shotgun formation, or monster trucks.  1. You have enough clothes.  1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.  1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have  to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men  really don't mind that, it's like camping.
A Female Prayer.... Â Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's loves to listen long, Â One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. Â I pray that he is gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more. Â Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Â Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" Â I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. Â And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen.
MALE PRAYER...
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Â Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st sistah; I froze to death.
2nd sistah : How horrible!
1st sistah: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd sistah: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Sistah: so what happened?
2nd sistah: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st sistah: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
this isn't a joke but I couldn't find a thread to put it in.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June 20. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence today's custom of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. That posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone had to sit out in the graveyard all night, the "graveyard shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the truth! Now, whoever said that History was boring! Educate someone.
Not technically a joke - but good for a couple of laughs.
My son is currently in training with the Peace Corps in Guatemala. There is a cafe with internet service next to the training facility so we have heard from him 3 times. This excerpt is from today.
I've made a few gaffaws with the langugage. I was trying to say that during dinner I'm so excited to talk in spanish that I forget to eat.
Well, I used the wrong word for excited and basically said, I'm so horny during dinner than I forget to eat. It was quite the laugh in my spanish class.
I also said I liked her children's necklaces but was saying I like their dog collars.
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral)
"When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
A little boy comes down to breakfast. His mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet" said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " He asks. "Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also say you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the after life." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, and I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check."
Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands, and more importantly, No Kids. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home.They were about half way home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there ... they couldn't wait any longer.Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or Kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'! The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them.The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her.The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives ... it seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties...".The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you....The Carboni Brothers".
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B..C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
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Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Little Susie was in the garden filling up a hole in the dirt, when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Susie?"
"My goldfish died," replied Susie tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Susie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
"Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
same thought with condoms ..."come on baby, if we don't have sex we could make people lose their job at the condom factory"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own works what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
:)
Women......
Pass the beer nuts.
there's a corollary to that ya know. women.....if it weren't for their ...... there'd be a bounty on their heads.
I don't know if these are jokes/tales or not...
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry..
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff anyway?)
wonders if its the same amount of calories for banging your head on the desk ;)
I heard you lose much more calories when banging the husband...or was that the lover boyfriend? ;)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!) ;) mmmmmmmmm & mmmmmmmmmm
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you suppose they might, just might, have bad breath?)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
yeah. i can just picture you with your mom in the room.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
and you wonder how i can say that i've never had any complaints ;)
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus. He says "I'll bet $50 that nobody here has a musical instrument this octopus can't play." A man in the bar got a guitar. The octopus picked it up, tuned the strings and began playing a Hendrix song. The man smiled and picked up the $50. Another man brought up a trumpet. The octopus licked it's lips, picked it up and began playing a jazz solo. The man handed the octopus' owner $50. The bartender brought over a set of bagpipes. He put them in front of the octopus and said, "If he can play that, I'll give you $100."
The octopus looked at the bagpipes, lifted them up and turned them over. His owner bent down and whispered, "What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play them."
The octopus replied, "Forget playing it. If I can figure out how to take off it's pajamas, I'm gonna screw it."
Heres one for the guy's!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
 here are The Rules from the male side. These are our
 rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON
 PURPOSE!
 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
 If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
 down. You don't hear us complaining about you
 leaving it down.
 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
 going to think of it that way.
 1. Crying is blackmail.
 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
 one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
 work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers
 to almost every question.
 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
 solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
 girlfriends are for.
 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
 See a doctor.
 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
 an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
 void after 7 days.
 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
 girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
 ask us.
 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
 and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
 the other one.
 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
 how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
 best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
 to say during commercials.
 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
 neither do we.
 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
 default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
 not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
 idea what mauve is.
 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
 will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
 lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
 to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
 you wear is fine. Really.
 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
 are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
 shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
 1. You have enough clothes.
 1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have
 to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men
 really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Since Scribe reads this stuff once in a while...
I have no idea what you're talking about.
:-)
A Female Prayer....
 Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's loves to listen long,
 One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
 I pray that he is gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more.
 Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
 Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
 I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend.
 And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen.
MALE PRAYER...
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Oh so cute!
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st sistah; I froze to death.
2nd sistah : How horrible!
1st sistah: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd sistah: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Sistah: so what happened?
2nd sistah: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st sistah: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
this isn't a joke but I couldn't find a thread to put it in.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
still smelled pretty good by June 20. However, they were starting to smell so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence today's custom
of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was
so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw
the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It
was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery
and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying
"It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. That posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your
nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the
saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so
they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it
would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next
day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the
pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to
share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused
some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take
them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to
bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they
had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and
tie it to a bell.
Someone had to sit out in the graveyard all night, the "graveyard shift" to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the truth! Now, whoever said that History was boring! Educate
someone.
Not technically a joke - but good for a couple of laughs.
My son is currently in training with the Peace Corps in Guatemala. There is a cafe with internet service next to the training facility so we have heard from him 3 times. This excerpt is from today.
I've made a few gaffaws with the langugage. I was trying to say that during dinner I'm so excited to talk in spanish that I forget to eat.
Well, I used the wrong word for excited and basically said, I'm so horny during dinner than I forget to eat. It was quite the laugh in my spanish class.
I also said I liked her children's necklaces but was saying I like their dog collars.
necklaces. dog collars. what's the difference?
...I'm so horny during dinner
Aren't we all? Especially if it's crab legs!
LOL! Thats cool that theres an internet cafe close!
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher
went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration
and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get
expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting
to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering
about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the
church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having
children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. In
the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear
rubbers!"
Don't you just love little old ladies?
YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT THE OCEAN THE SAME WAY
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So
360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you
wonder why the ocean is so salty...
Pass it on ........Don't swallow the water.
The chicken and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The
friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral)
"When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
Boooo!
i think somebody's jealous of the horse.
Nah, I'd rather have the Harley.
A little boy comes down to breakfast. His mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet" said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " He asks. "Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also say you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the after life." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, and I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check."
Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands, and more importantly, No Kids. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home.They were about half way home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there ...
they couldn't wait any longer.Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or Kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'! The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them.The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her.The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives ... it seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties...".The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you....The Carboni Brothers".
hahahaha!
loved the check!
booooooo to the Carboni brothers
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.
hehe!
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B..C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
This taken from a different thread....
PICKUP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a
feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your
face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea-I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass-I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I'll put my head in.
thanks for the giggles TMK! those are great!
#5 & #7 are hilarious!! Way funny stuff TMK
Little Susie was in the garden filling up a hole in the dirt, when her
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there,
Susie?"
"My goldfish died," replied Susie tearfully without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Susie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat."
:0
"Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
same thought with condoms ..."come on baby, if we don't have sex we could make people lose their job at the condom factory"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own works what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
same thought with condoms ..."come on baby, if we don't have sex we could make people lose their job at the condom factory"
not gonna touch it......