Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny," cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passion overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!!"
Chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit so eat as many as you want.
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We’re testing this with other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, you’ll get at least one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now isn’t that handy? If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?
MEDICAL NEWS FLASH “Stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”.
HE WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT THE OTHER DAY WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. THE MAN SAID "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"?
THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'LL TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."
HE LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.
THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."
HE OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG."
(Sorry for the all caps, but that was the way it was e-mailed to me and I did not want to take the time to fix it. Oh well, call me selfish! =)
Tarzan.... When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.* Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California,some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER. THIS IS TRUE...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
ok. i'm an engineer. which means that i like coming up with creative ways to do things, but this is a bit ridiculous (even though the video clips are rather impressive):
The subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.
Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.
"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."
If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).
By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world or competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.
Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - ahem - liquid oxygen.
This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of thowing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.
On Gobel's World Wide Web pageyou can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle, to dump 3 gallons of liguid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.
What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.
There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
Looking at goble's video and photos, I became, as am American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineer's picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France :), to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?
Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charoal-lighting technology?
It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.
A 54 year old professor in mathematics at the UofM calls his 50 year old wife one night and says, "Honey I have to do some work with one of the students, shes a 19 year old freshman that needs some help. I will be at a hotel and will probably be home at 11:00 tonight."
The wife who of course knows what's going on right away calls back and says " Well honey, I have to go help the 19 year old pool boy. And you, being a professor in mathematics should know that 19 goes into 50 many more times than 54 goes into 19. I won't be home until tomorrow."
40-ish......................49 Adventurer..................Slept with all your friends Athletic....................No Tits Average Looking.............Has the Face of a Basset Hound Beautiful...................Pathological Liar Contagious Smile............Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated....................Banged her Political Science Professor Emotionally Secure..........Medicated Feminist....................Fat ballbuster Free Spirit.................Junkie Friendship First............Trying to Live down the reputation of a slut Fun.........................Annoying Gentle......................Comatose Good Listener...............Borderline Astistic New-Age.....................All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned...............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded.................Desperate Outgoing....................Loud & Embarrassing Passionate..................Sloppy Drunk Poet........................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional................Certified Bitch Redhead.....................Bad Dye-job Reubenesque.................Grossly Fat Romantic....................Looks better by candle light Social......................Has been passed around like an hors d' oeuvres tray Voluptuous..................Very Fat Weight proportion w/height......Hugely Fat--as tall as you are wide Wants Soulmate..............Stalker Widow.......................Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at Heart..............Old Bat
Men's Ads:
40-ish......................52 & looking for a 25 year old Athletic....................Watches a lot of NASCAR Average Looking.............Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated....................Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit.................Banging your sister Friendship first............As long as it involves nookie Fun.........................Good with a remote and a six pack Good Looking................Arrogant Very Good Looking...........Dumb as a bag of hammers Honest......................Pathological Liar Huggable....................Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to Cuddle.............Insecure mama's boy Mature......................Older than your father Open-minded.................Wants to sleep with your roommate who's not interested Physically Fit..............Does alot of 12-ounce curls Poet........................Wrote ex-girlfriends # on a bathroom stall Sensitive...................Cries at chick flicks Very Sensitive..............Gay Spiritual...................Got laid in a cemetery once Stable......................Arrested for stalking, but was not convicted Thoughtful..................Says "Excuse me" when he farts
3 mice were sitting around eating their block of cheese, discussing which of them was the toughest. the first mouse says "i've got to be the toughest. i went through a room filled with mouse traps today and i'm still here." the second mouse says "no way. i'm the toughest of us. i ate my way through 3 cases of d-con and i'm still here". the third mouse pipes up with "that's nothing. when i'm done here, i'm gonna go f*ck the cat again."
Not me2 ofcourse -just something that happened to someone...
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened acouple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar-code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her" I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town, somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence, finally he asked, " May I help you son?" " I dunno...." came the drunks voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A moment later, another loud scream reverberates through the bar, so the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming in shear agony. "What's all the screaming about in there? you're scarring all my customers away!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet trying to do my thing, and every time I try to flush, somthing comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!" With that, the bartender opens the stall door to take a look and exclaims, "You idiot! you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
An 80 yr old man went to las vegas to pick up a prostitute and get some action, he noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute quickly became annoyed and yelled, " Get lost old man! you're ruining buisness!" " sure would like to get some action tonight," blurted the old man. " You've got to be kidding! you're too old! you're all finished!" " What did you say?" asked the old geezer. " You heard me! you're all finished!" "Oh dear," replied the old man, as he reached into his pocket, "How much do I owe you?"
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against..(get this)... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire, " it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
> The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
A couple of dumb hicks from West Virginia decide that they are tired of being poor and plan to go into Wheeling to rob a bank. They practice safe cracking for months until they are able to open any safe around. Late one night they drive into Wheeling and go into the first bank they see. When inside to their surprise they see dozens of little safes instead of one large one. They open one of the safes and inside they find a container of vanilla pudding but no money. They eat the pudding and continue to open one safe after another only to find a container of vanilla pudding in each one. Around daybreak they still haven't found any money but are quite full from eating all the pudding so they decide to go home. The next day the headline of the Wheeling Gazette reads "Sperm Bank Robbed"
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order . When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen."
Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tube-like fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.
More stories, about botched burglaries:
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
And the funniest one of all times.....
Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f----up!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny," cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passion overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!!"
incidentally, i've got some little johnny jokes that are a touch more risqué where those came from if anyone wants them.
and one last one before i head off to bed tonite:
Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10 Oct 95:
AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE; WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
CANADIANS: This is a small Canadian lighthouse. Your call.
This was the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
sometimes, truth is funnier than fiction, eh ??
i actually had to work to find where i put that one too.
Good stuff Ares!
Send them to me Ares, Wolvie911@Yahoo.com
Oh, c'mon, ares, post them!
Chocolate is a vegetable.
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy.
So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit so eat as many as you want.
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We’re testing this with other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, you’ll get at least one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.
Now isn’t that handy?
If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
You can’t let that happen, can you?
MEDICAL NEWS FLASH
“Stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”.
grazie, terry!
ONE DAY A 63 YEAR OLD WENT FISHING.
HE WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT THE OTHER DAY WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. THE MAN SAID "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"?
THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'LL TURN INTO
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST
WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."
HE LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP
CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.
THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS
ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."
HE OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A
TALKING FROG."
(Sorry for the all caps, but that was the way it was e-mailed to me and I did not want to take the time to fix it. Oh well, call me selfish! =)
Tarzan....
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.* Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."
When I heard this one, it was "Tarzan check for squirrels." Still funny as all get out.
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting
"Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California,some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So,
one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER. THIS IS TRUE...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
omg, j, those are good.
and for the answer: when it starts writing?
ok. i'm an engineer. which means that i like coming up with creative ways to do things, but this is a bit ridiculous (even though the video clips are rather impressive):
The subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.
Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.
"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."
If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).
By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world or competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.
Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - ahem - liquid oxygen.
This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of thowing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.
On Gobel's World Wide Web pageyou can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle, to dump 3 gallons of liguid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.
What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.
There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
Looking at goble's video and photos, I became, as am American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineer's picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France :), to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?
Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charoal-lighting technology?
It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.
A 54 year old professor in mathematics at the UofM calls his 50 year old wife one night and says, "Honey I have to do some work with one of the students, shes a 19 year old freshman that needs some help. I will be at a hotel and will probably be home at 11:00 tonight."
The wife who of course knows what's going on right away calls back and says " Well honey, I have to go help the 19 year old pool boy. And you, being a professor in mathematics should know that 19 goes into 50 many more times than 54 goes into 19. I won't be home until tomorrow."
Women's Ads:
40-ish......................49
Adventurer..................Slept with all your friends
Athletic....................No Tits
Average Looking.............Has the Face of a Basset Hound
Beautiful...................Pathological Liar
Contagious Smile............Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated....................Banged her Political Science Professor
Emotionally Secure..........Medicated
Feminist....................Fat ballbuster
Free Spirit.................Junkie
Friendship First............Trying to Live down the reputation of a slut
Fun.........................Annoying
Gentle......................Comatose
Good Listener...............Borderline Astistic
New-Age.....................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned...............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing....................Loud & Embarrassing
Passionate..................Sloppy Drunk
Poet........................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................Certified Bitch
Redhead.....................Bad Dye-job
Reubenesque.................Grossly Fat
Romantic....................Looks better by candle light
Social......................Has been passed around like an hors d' oeuvres tray
Voluptuous..................Very Fat
Weight proportion w/height......Hugely Fat--as tall as you are wide
Wants Soulmate..............Stalker
Widow.......................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at Heart..............Old Bat
Men's Ads:
40-ish......................52 & looking for a 25 year old
Athletic....................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average Looking.............Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated....................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.................Banging your sister
Friendship first............As long as it involves nookie
Fun.........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good Looking................Arrogant
Very Good Looking...........Dumb as a bag of hammers
Honest......................Pathological Liar
Huggable....................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to Cuddle.............Insecure mama's boy
Mature......................Older than your father
Open-minded.................Wants to sleep with your roommate who's not interested
Physically Fit..............Does alot of 12-ounce curls
Poet........................Wrote ex-girlfriends # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive...................Cries at chick flicks
Very Sensitive..............Gay
Spiritual...................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable......................Arrested for stalking, but was not convicted
Thoughtful..................Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Thanks Sherri
I HAVE A HONEY JOKE
3 mice were sitting around eating their block of cheese, discussing which of them was the toughest. the first mouse says "i've got to be the toughest. i went through a room filled with mouse traps today and i'm still here." the second mouse says "no way. i'm the toughest of us. i ate my way through 3 cases of d-con and i'm still here". the third mouse pipes up with "that's nothing. when i'm done here, i'm gonna go f*ck the cat again."
Not me2 ofcourse -just something that happened to someone...
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened acouple
of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar-code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her" I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
one of these days i ought to go through my entire collection of jokes received in the email and post 'em all right here.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town, somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence, finally he asked, " May I help you son?" " I dunno...." came the drunks voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
i love that joke, ll!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A moment later, another loud scream reverberates through the bar, so the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming in shear agony. "What's all the screaming about in there? you're scarring all my customers away!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet trying to do my thing, and every time I try to flush, somthing comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!" With that, the bartender opens the stall door to take a look and exclaims, "You idiot! you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
yeah, that one is dedicated to the dirty old catholic priests! I would love to shit in a confessional right about now! :O
thats way too funny LL - this thread is only for Jokes not 'way too funny' jokes - :)
i wouldn't. the priest might get turned on by it :)
oops! sorry! I'll try to find stupid jokes from now on!
I would love to shit in a confessional right about now! :O
FYI- There is not an H in SIT :)
yeah, no kidding!
:: SNERK::
lol, me2!
FYI- There is not an H in SIT :)
time to clean the coffee off the puter again! da**it!
An 80 yr old man went to las vegas to pick up a prostitute and get some action, he noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute quickly became annoyed and yelled, " Get lost old man! you're ruining buisness!" " sure would like to get some action tonight," blurted the old man. " You've got to be kidding! you're too old! you're all finished!" " What did you say?" asked the old geezer. " You heard me! you're all finished!" "Oh dear," replied the old man, as he reached into his pocket, "How much do I owe you?"
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against..(get this)... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire, " it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
> The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
gee.......makes ya wonder if that could really work! one could make some pretty good money that way! ;)
A couple of dumb hicks from West Virginia decide that they are tired of being poor and plan to go into Wheeling to rob a bank. They practice safe cracking for months until they are able to open any safe around. Late one night they drive into Wheeling and go into the first bank they see. When inside to their surprise they see dozens of little safes instead of one large one. They open one of the safes and inside they find a container of vanilla pudding but no money. They eat the pudding and continue to open one safe after another only to find a container of vanilla pudding in each one. Around daybreak they still haven't found any money but are quite full from eating all the pudding so they decide to go home. The next day the headline of the Wheeling Gazette reads "Sperm Bank Robbed"
more dumb people:
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order . When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen."
Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tube-like fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the knee.
More stories, about botched burglaries:
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
And the funniest one of all times.....
Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f----up!"
(post 101) eeewww! That's nasty!
sorry. i didn't know anyone but me2 was reading.
10 Shirt Slogans
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
I think #7 has something to do with Ares tag line :)
"We're a bunch of psychopaths. But we love us anyway" -- ares' kid sister
well they do. :)