There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable: 10. "What the F... was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those F...ing Indians come from?" Custer, 1877 8. "Any F...ing idiot could understand that". Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so F...ing look like her!" Picasso, 1926 6." How the F... did you work that out?" Pythagoras 126 BC 5." You want WHAT on the F...ing ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the F... are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937 3."Scattered F...ing showers..... MY ass!" Noah, 4314 BC 2."Aw c'mon. Who the F... is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1999 1. " Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F...ing mad." Osama Bin Laden
THESE ARE ACTUALLY DUMB-but passing them on to you anyhow...
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
I dont know where the line is for dirty in this thread so lets try this one...you judge...
TWO CHICKENS AND A GOOSE
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison in St. Cloud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply:
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Application for Minnesotazenship Personal Information:
Name ___________________son
Sex: ___ Ole ___ Lena
Home Address ________________ Cabin Address ________________
Religion: _____ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed ____ None of your beeswax ____
Qualifications: (check all that apply) ___ I own a gas powered ice auger. ___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home. ___ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo ___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow. ___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk. ___ I liked it! ___ I've been to a block party. ___ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee. ___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car. ____ I have jumper cables in my trunk. ____ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT! (For sure, you bet I don't.)
True/ False: ___ I actually listen to telemarketers. ___ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER! ___ TV news anchors are celebrities. ____ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere. ____ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band. ___ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states. ___ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate. ___ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when. A) The temperature is below 10 degrees. B) Your mother tells you to! C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me ____________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me ____________________________________
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor. 2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend. 3. You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day. 6. You use a down comforter in the summer. 7. Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching. 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events. 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye, and Leinenkugels. 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the grocery store at any given time. 13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit. 14. Driving is better in the! winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s. 16. You know all four seasons; almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town. 18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Minnesota.
Home Address ______Home__________ Cabin Address ______Cabin__________
Religion: ___X__ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed _X___ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply) __x_ I own a gas powered ice auger. ___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home. _x__ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo _x__ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow. ___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk. ___ I liked it! _x__ I've been to a block party. _x__ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee. _x__ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car. __x__ I have jumper cables in my trunk. __x__ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT! (For sure, you bet I don't.)
True/ False: __f_ I actually listen to telemarketers. __t_ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER! _f__ TV news anchors are celebrities. __t__ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere. _t___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band. _t__ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states. _t__ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate. __t_ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when. A) The temperature is below 10 degrees. B) Your mother tells you to! C)The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me ____Oh man________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me _____Oh no_______________________________
Application for Minnesotazenship Personal Information:
Name John son
Sex: ___ Ole __x_ Lena
Home Address ______Home____capitol city St Paul______ Cabin Address ______Cabin_____Aitkin/Brainerd Area_____
Religion: ___X__ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed _X___ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply) __x_ I own a gas powered ice auger. _x__ Fargo floods hit a little close to home. _x__ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo _x__ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow. __x_ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk. ___ I liked it! _x__ I've been to a block party. _x__ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee. _I have one though__ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car. __x__ I have jumper cables in my trunk. __x__ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT! (For sure, eh?, you bet I don't.)
True/ False: __t_ I actually listen to telemarketers. __t_ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER! _t__ TV news anchors are celebrities. __t__ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere. _t___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band!. _t__ They mistake popfor "soda" or "coke" in most other states. _t__ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate. __t_ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when. A) The temperature is below 10 degrees. B) Your mother tells you to! C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits. D) I don't own a hat!
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me ____Oh my, WoW!________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me _____Whooops_- Bummer______________________________
Application for Minnesotazenship Personal Information:
Name: michael son Sex: __X_ Ole ___ Lena
Home Address ______Home__________ Cabin Address ______Cabin__________
Religion: ___X__ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed _X___ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply) ____ I own a gas powered ice auger. ___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home. _x__ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo _x__ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow. ___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk. ___ I liked it! _x__ I've been to a block party. ____ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee. ____ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car. _x__ I have jumper cables in my trunk. _x__ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT! (For sure, you bet I don't.)
True/ False: __f_ I actually listen to telemarketers. __t_ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER! __t_ TV news anchors are celebrities. __t__ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere. (does a fence post count?) _t___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band. _t__ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states. _t__ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate. __f_ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when. A) The temperature is below 10 degrees. B) Your mother tells you to! C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits. D) whe da vikes win da super bowl you betcha. Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me ____a precursor to its chilly out dere________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me _____someone's insurance is gonna pay fer dat_______________________________
Thanxs Me2, those are from an email I recieved from my aunt. I thought they were fun. Part of my tounge is definately on a pole, and when I went to NM for college I thought they were all crazy calling pop "soda" or "coke" and I swore up and down I didn't have an accent (they called me "minne Soooo da").
My folks put or cabin up for sale
Indeed a sad day! Hard to let go of a place you love. Time to buy you're own! :-)
I was so bummed when my parents sold their cabin (to build a house on Forest Lake)! I would have bought it if I could have afforded it, but was I only 22 and broke. Now I'm 30 and own 45A of forrest and hoping to buy a lake resort in the next 5 years.
The nice thing is we'll get away from the neigbors up there. We have had nothing but troubles. Their kids have vandalized the cabin on several occasions and w/ no help from the parents to discipline them.
Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?" So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew reelly tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC!?
hahahahaahahahaha - He could have gotten that million bucks - DEAR! He could have gotten trampled---but what would you want more? Dear to trample you or ducks to poop on you? hahahahahahahaha
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing, & I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..
All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat - cause kids!
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here;
I sure could use a few. . .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something & then wonder what I'm here after!
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
dammit, clue master, this is the 470th laptop screen i'm on. dell's getting pissed that i'm having them come out 3 or 4 times a day to replace it. i keep telling them if they made it coke-proof they wouldn't have to.
It's like the sober guy who acts drunk outside the bar so the cops concentrate on him as all of his drinking buddies leave one by one in the mean time. It looks cool on paper but who knows if it's ever been tried before for real.
ahh yes. this story (originally sent to me by the lying bitch i was once in love with, who is coincidentally from wisconsin):
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Mid NW, Wisconsin.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Thanks for finding that ares. I didn't have time. It could be real I guess. I know the perfect place to try it out at. Concord street by KOD and Jerseys. #1 spot in the metro for D-dubs. It's just plain fun driving through there sober on a night like tonight and watching all the drunks try and make it passed all the cops. It's like watching downtown Stillwater after an Ozzfest concert at Floatrite park. Every other car is stopped. I don't like those odds myself.
you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 30 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by
you are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation
you have apologized to a telemarketer for saying no
you may not have actually ever eaten it but you know about lutefisk
you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
your town has an equal number of bars and churches
you have had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina an Shakopee
you grew up thinking rice was only for dessert
every January, from age 2 to 13, you let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post
you consider lime Jello a highly versatile food: a breakfast food when it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and a dab of mayonnaise and a dessert when topped with Cool-Whip
you never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you didn't understand the dialogue
you always thought that vacation meant going "up north"
your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable or ethnic food
you can recite from memory more than half a dozen "Ole and Lena " jokes
your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job and your car breaks down - all on the same day and your first thought is - "it could be worse"!
it's 60 degrees warmer in your freezer than it is outdoors
you have eaten "hot dish " and Jello salad in the basement of a Lutheran church!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the juice is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye, they need to be watered.
I set the juice down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable:
10. "What the F... was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those F...ing Indians come from?" Custer, 1877
8. "Any F...ing idiot could understand that". Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so F...ing look like her!" Picasso, 1926
6." How the F... did you work that out?" Pythagoras 126 BC
5." You want WHAT on the F...ing ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the F... are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
3."Scattered F...ing showers..... MY ass!" Noah, 4314 BC
2."Aw c'mon. Who the F... is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1999
1. " Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F...ing mad." Osama Bin Laden
F..., That's funny!
Since I rarely swear, I'll just say DITTO to what ATH said :)
THESE ARE ACTUALLY DUMB-but passing them on to you anyhow...
Every teenager should get a high school education.
Even if they already know everything.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more
bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states
that this has already happened.
You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for
as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are
two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Now these are actually funny...
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
::Me2 is falling off her chair laughing...all by herself::
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. ::hahhahhahaha::
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's. :)
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. :)
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
::Me2 is falling off her chair laughing...all by herself::
hope you didn't hit your head on anything :)
Now THAT is funny.
I dont know where the line is for dirty in this thread so lets try this one...you judge...
TWO CHICKENS AND A GOOSE
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man; 'I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells; 'WHAT? What did he say? ... What's he want?'
His wife yells back, 'He needs your underwear.'
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison in St. Cloud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply:
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
Ha! Good one :)
that is an awsome joke
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
Jokes eh?
When is the Viking thread being moved here?
Application for Minnesotazenship
Personal Information:
Name ___________________son
Sex: ___ Ole ___ Lena
Home Address ________________
Cabin Address ________________
Religion: _____ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed ____ None of your beeswax ____
Qualifications: (check all that apply)
___ I own a gas powered ice auger.
___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
___ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo
___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.
___ I liked it!
___ I've been to a block party.
___ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee.
___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
____ I have jumper cables in my trunk.
____ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!
(For sure, you bet I don't.)
True/ False:
___ I actually listen to telemarketers.
___ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
___ TV news anchors are celebrities.
____ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
____ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band.
___ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
___ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.
___ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when.
A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
B) Your mother tells you to!
C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me
____________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me
____________________________________
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard,
without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors
unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye, and
Leinenkugels.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use
them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the grocery store
at any given time.
13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit.
14. Driving is better in the! winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s.
16. You know all four seasons; almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.
17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in
a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town.
18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends
from Minnesota.
Name Sven Smithson
Sex: __X_ Ole ___ Lena
Home Address ______Home__________
Cabin Address ______Cabin__________
Religion: ___X__ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed _X___ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply)
__x_ I own a gas powered ice auger.
___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
_x__ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo
_x__ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.
___ I liked it!
_x__ I've been to a block party.
_x__ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee.
_x__ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
__x__ I have jumper cables in my trunk.
__x__ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!
(For sure, you bet I don't.)
True/ False:
__f_ I actually listen to telemarketers.
__t_ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
_f__ TV news anchors are celebrities.
__t__ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
_t___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band.
_t__ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
_t__ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.
__t_ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when.
A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
B) Your mother tells you to!
C)The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me
____Oh man________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me
_____Oh no_______________________________
So Chem? Were you originally from somewhere else and have lived in Minnesota for at least the last 20 years?
Those are awsome ATH!
Application for Minnesotazenship
Personal Information:
Name John son
Sex: ___ Ole __x_ Lena
Home Address ______Home____capitol city St Paul______
Cabin Address ______Cabin_____Aitkin/Brainerd Area_____
Religion: ___X__ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed _X___ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply)
__x_ I own a gas powered ice auger.
_x__ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
_x__ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo
_x__ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
__x_ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.
___ I liked it!
_x__ I've been to a block party.
_x__ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee.
_I have one though__ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
__x__ I have jumper cables in my trunk.
__x__ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!
(For sure, eh?, you bet I don't.)
True/ False:
__t_ I actually listen to telemarketers.
__t_ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
_t__ TV news anchors are celebrities.
__t__ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
_t___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band!.
_t__ They mistake popfor "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
_t__ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.
__t_ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when.
A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
B) Your mother tells you to!
C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
D) I don't own a hat!
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me
____Oh my, WoW!________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me
_____Whooops_- Bummer______________________________
Application for Minnesotazenship
Personal Information:
Name: michael son
Sex: __X_ Ole ___ Lena
Home Address ______Home__________
Cabin Address ______Cabin__________
Religion: ___X__ Lutheran
Income: ____We do OK ____We're Blessed _X___ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply)
____ I own a gas powered ice auger.
___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
_x__ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at the Mayo
_x__ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.
___ I liked it!
_x__ I've been to a block party.
____ My first beer was an Old Milwaukee.
____ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
_x__ I have jumper cables in my trunk.
_x__ Despite what everyone else says I SAYS I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!
(For sure, you bet I don't.)
True/ False:
__f_ I actually listen to telemarketers.
__t_ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
__t_ TV news anchors are celebrities.
__t__ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere. (does a fence post count?)
_t___ It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band.
_t__ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
_t__ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.
__f_ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
Multiple Choice:
It's time to wear a hat when.
A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
B) Your mother tells you to!
C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.
D) whe da vikes win da super bowl you betcha.
Essay Questions:
1. What "uff-da" means to me
____a precursor to its chilly out dere________________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me
_____someone's insurance is gonna pay fer dat_______________________________
Thanxs Me2, those are from an email I recieved from my aunt. I thought they were fun. Part of my tounge is definately on a pole, and when I went to NM for college I thought they were all crazy calling pop "soda" or "coke" and I swore up and down I didn't have an accent (they called me "minne Soooo da").
My folks put or cabin up for sale
Indeed a sad day! Hard to let go of a place you love. Time to buy you're own! :-)
I was so bummed when my parents sold their cabin (to build a house on Forest Lake)! I would have bought it if I could have afforded it, but was I only 22 and broke. Now I'm 30 and own 45A of forrest and hoping to buy a lake resort in the next 5 years.
The nice thing is we'll get away from the neigbors up there. We have had nothing but troubles. Their kids have vandalized the cabin on several occasions and w/ no help from the parents to discipline them.
Where is their cabin Chem?
Their intent is to find a place in the Annandale area. But that cabin has produced many memories for me. Some I must forget now that I'm married.
WoW, I would love a wrap around ::sigh::
Chem, I am sure she married you because you became who you are because of those memories (at least I hope she did) ;)
Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?" So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew reelly tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC!?
hahahahaahahahaha - He could have gotten that million bucks - DEAR! He could have gotten trampled---but what would you want more? Dear to trample you or ducks to poop on you? hahahahahahahaha
Now That I'm Older
God grant me the Senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing,
& I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into
prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded..
All reports are in;
Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost,
where is it?
Kids in the back seat
cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!
It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here;
I sure could use a few. . .
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something
& then wonder what I'm here after!
PARKING TICKET
oh man! I wonder if anyone has really tried that or just talked about doing it.
dammit, clue master, this is the 470th laptop screen i'm on. dell's getting pissed that i'm having them come out 3 or 4 times a day to replace it. i keep telling them if they made it coke-proof they wouldn't have to.
Feel the burn ares ;-)
It's like the sober guy who acts drunk outside the bar so the cops concentrate on him as all of his drinking buddies leave one by one in the mean time. It looks cool on paper but who knows if it's ever been tried before for real.
We should do a candid camera like show to see how things like that turn out.
ahh yes. this story (originally sent to me by the lying bitch i was once in love with, who is coincidentally from wisconsin):
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Mid NW, Wisconsin.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
uh-::me2's mouth just dropped open in amazement of Ares language twords the one he once loved::
Have you been drinking Ares?
Thanks for finding that ares. I didn't have time. It could be real I guess. I know the perfect place to try it out at. Concord street by KOD and Jerseys. #1 spot in the metro for D-dubs. It's just plain fun driving through there sober on a night like tonight and watching all the drunks try and make it passed all the cops. It's like watching downtown Stillwater after an Ozzfest concert at Floatrite park. Every other car is stopped. I don't like those odds myself.
haven't had anything to drink in a couple of weeks, j. not even when i was at your sister's on new year's.
and for the answer to the natural question do i have a bit of pent-up anger over her. nah not a bit. she just used me and tossed me aside is all.
now now ares, bitterness does not become you. Time to let it go and put your full energy into whats here and now.
hey, i've been doing that. i mean look at the new cooler crew site and everything :)
yeah ATH-if you look closely you can just barely make out her image imbedded in the background of the new site :)
LMAO!
You may be from Minnesota if:
you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 30 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by
you are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation
you have apologized to a telemarketer for saying no
you may not have actually ever eaten it but you know about lutefisk
you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
your town has an equal number of bars and churches
you have had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina an Shakopee
you grew up thinking rice was only for dessert
every January, from age 2 to 13, you let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post
you consider lime Jello a highly versatile food: a breakfast food when it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and a dab of mayonnaise and a dessert when topped with Cool-Whip
you never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you didn't understand the dialogue
you always thought that vacation meant going "up north"
your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable or ethnic food
you can recite from memory more than half a dozen "Ole and Lena " jokes
your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job and your car breaks down - all on the same day and your first thought is - "it could be worse"!
it's 60 degrees warmer in your freezer than it is outdoors
you have eaten "hot dish " and Jello salad in the basement of a Lutheran church!
your town has an equal number of bars and churches
That's Wisconsin, not Minnesota!
:-)
In Missouri it's liqour stores. They prefer to get drunk at home rather than at the bar.
They prefer to get drunk at home rather than at the bar.
Here, here
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under
the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find
the bottle of juice that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the juice is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye, they need to be watered.
I set the juice down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly
I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because
I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you?
LOL! I LOVE IT! THATS ME!