This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, Â Â Â Â "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
Ok so Sunday I had a 5 star plus the flu. Never puked so much in my life.
>Hangover (*) ONE STAR >No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, your are craving a Philly sub and steak fries. >
> >Two Star Hangover (**) >No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. >
>Three Star Hangover (***) >Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once. >
>Four Star Hangover (****) >Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies,it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom. >
>Five Star Hangover, (*****) >You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
I was on the phone the other day with AW and read your joke- not realizing it was a joke and since you had been online so much and being sick like that - I thought maybe you brought your computer to the bathroom with you ;)
thats almost as bad as bringing the phone into the bathroom with you!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car,neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,"I must be losing it,I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through.This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.At the next intersection, sure enough,the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking 'isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the policeman.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.'
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
VALENTINE'S RHYMES.................. These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot. This describes everything you're not
I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your  wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows, and  any other baubles that women find romantic.
Here's a secret: Guys feel left out. That's right -- left out. There's no  special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in  their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to  admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & BJ Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory, this holiday has been created so  your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No  cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday  explains it all; just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of  Valentine's Day and Steak & BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men  everywhere will try that much harder in February to ensure a more memorable  March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little  push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and  peace to this crazy world.
A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."
Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."
He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
What if your partner is tired, is it not selfish to make them perform when they don't feel like it? And would you want them to? I can take care of myself when I need to, and so can he. It makes the times together (all the rest of the baseball terms) even better when both people are fully into it.
1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
8. How far can a dog run into the woods?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
That's not funny. :-p
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had
a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which
came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting,
    "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink
with me?
Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting on my shoes!"
Post 6k for WF&G thread.
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
I thought he wasn't answering cause you didn't offer to take him to BUGGS bar!
get it? centipede-bug hahahahaha
hee hee :)
Ok so Sunday I had a 5 star plus the flu. Never puked so much in my life.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....
Heh.
oh geeesh- i didnt realize i was in the joke thread!
thats gross CM! but thanks for sharing :)
and THX said KEEP IT CLEAN!
"Now with 20% less anal leakage"
Man I love that line. hehe
I was on the phone the other day with AW and read your joke-
not realizing it was a joke and since you had been online
so much and being sick like that -
I thought maybe you brought your computer to the bathroom with you ;)
thats almost as bad as bringing the phone into the bathroom with you!
your sister has done that to me before!
taken YOUR computer with her with to the bathroom ;)
hehehe
oh my ---69 is NEVER a joke!!!
;)
no, she's taken me to the bathroom with her on the phone. of course i've taken you to the bathroom with me on the computer.
I suppose thats where you got the 'yellow' stuff to mix with the snowballs?
so it's your 'yellow' stuff mixed in? eeeeeeewwww
Analogies And Metaphors Found In High School Essays
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car,neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,"I must be losing it,I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through.This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.At the next intersection, sure enough,the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking 'isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the policeman.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.'
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
VALENTINE'S RHYMES..................
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your
 wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows, and
 any other baubles that women find romantic.
Here's a secret: Guys feel left out. That's right -- left out. There's no
 special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in
 their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to
 admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & BJ Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory, this holiday has been created so
 your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No
 cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday
 explains it all; just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of
 Valentine's Day and Steak & BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men
 everywhere will try that much harder in February to ensure a more memorable
 March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little
 push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and
 peace to this crazy world.
If you want to wear Blue Jeans while eating steak on March 20th, it's OK with me!!!
My parents crack me up!
Too funny artemis! gordy loved it! now I have to e-mail it to my mom!
March 20th is now officially "Steak & BJ Day."
i got it made then! the very next day's my birthday ;)
oh god! glad I'm not married to YOU!
Holiday For Men (my dad sent me this)
Ha!!
can't do it 2 days in a row, eh, ll? :)
Only if I want to! ;)
oh god! glad I'm not married to YOU!
hahahhahahahahhahaha Thats a good one hahahahhahahahaha
and Valentines Day is supposed to be for both the male and the female.
I know I know- but usually Feb 14th involves steak and BlueJeans too ;)
glad to see you finally figured out what "bj" stands for, j ;) something akin to a 2-10, too.
Well at least some of us have experienced bj-ARES!
keep it up!
hey! i experience bj every day of my life. i'm the guy who'd wear them to my own wedding, remember?
and you were asking me if I ever figured out what 'bj' is?
whatever!
i didn't ask. i made a statement.
well you could say maybe you are learning with 'bj's
---you are kinda close to that frogs ahem! just turn him around first!
you'll get there.
how do you know the frog's a him?
and I never said it was a him.
How do YOU know its NOT a him?
you obviously tried this 'bj' technique on the frog?
just turn him around first!
and I never said it was a him.
uh-huh.
ok, so the frog cooould be a female...
A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."
Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."
He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
Sex & Baseball
--Bunt- Masturbation
i always thought this was called a sacrifice fly?
I like it!
probably won't be able to remember it, however.
sacrifice fly?
I consider it SELFISH! if you have a man/woman already in the house.
oh, and YOU know this HOW?
hey. you can still theoretically make it home on a bunt. not so with a sacrifice.
and you still know this HOW?
boys locker room?
have you neverwatched a baseball game?
uum, baseball games show materbation? hmmm, think I missed that.
I consider it SELFISH! if you have a man/woman already in the house.
What if they're helping?
obviously thats not selfish Frosti! ;)
What if your partner is tired, is it not selfish to make them perform when they don't feel like it? And would you want them to? I can take care of myself when I need to, and so can he. It makes the times together (all the rest of the baseball terms) even better when both people are fully into it.
1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
8. How far can a dog run into the woods?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?