The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, "Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted"!
ok- I obviously am cleaning/reading up on my e-mails. I read this one and then had to reread who it was from... my mom-in-law sent this to me...omg!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following...
"Emma come first." "Den I come." "Den two asses come together." "I come once-a-more." "Two asses, they come together again." "I come again and pee twice." "Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, " Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
it probably was true. i've got one that was the result of a "most embarassing story contest". the winner was a woman who was in the bank with her kid, who was naturally doing what most kids do when they're 3 or 4 standing in a long line at the bank. trying to keep himself entertained. the mother grabbed the kids arm and made some threat to him to try to get him to behave. which would have worked well except the kid looked back and said "if you don't let go of me i'm gonna tell grandma i saw you sucking daddy's pee-pee".
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year."
The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
I think the names have been changed in this story because a man named Bubba wouldn't be this clever ;) or the story is just NOT true. This also may be a repeat for this thread but it is funny...
An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.......
A few days later he received a letter from his son.......
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Bubba
At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. LOVE BUBBA
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?", "Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,"Winnie the SHIT."
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator ! in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After ! thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.
**POOF***.......... He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? Â If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a Makina da love withah wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!"
Good one. So being that I'll be unemployed in a couple of weeks, does that mean that I'll have one big blue medicine ball? Or does that simply mean that I'm just married.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and gusty day she is in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she hears her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God!" she yells to her lover. "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" comes the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's pouring out there!"
If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replies. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, tucks his clothes beneath his arm and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers that he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he starts running along beside the others - about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he unsuccessfully tries his best to "blend in".
After a little while, a small group of runners who have been studying him with some curiosity, jog closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asks.
"Oh yes" he replies, gasping. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moves alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answers breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get into my car and go home!"
A third runner casts his eyes a little lower and queries, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!
CNN/REUTERS: NEWS REPORTS HAVE FILTERED OUT EARLY THIS MORNING THAT US FORCES HAVE SWOOPED ON AN IRAQI PRIMARY SCHOOL AND DETAINED TEACHER MOHAMMED AL-HAZAR. SOURCES INDICATE THAT, WHEN ARRESTED, AL-HAZAR WAS IN POSSESSION OF A RULER, A PROTRACTOR, A SET SQUARE AND A CALCULATOR.
US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH ARGUED THAT THIS WAS CLEAR AND OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE THAT IRAQ INDEED POSSESSED WEAPONS OF MATHS INSTRUCTION
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the Second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains......."It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he
was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know ... some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." Â Â
FIVE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: "Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR > > A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. > > She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. > > As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" > > To which she replied, "There certainly is!" (are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...) > > SCROLL DOWN > > > > > > > > My stupid computer keeps saying, > > "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
you, "Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!
I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where
do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done
on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at
her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well-when you consider their mother was so difficult
to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually
chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long.
Madam?
Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted"!
ok- I obviously am cleaning/reading up on my e-mails.
I read this one and then had to reread who it was from...
my mom-in-law sent this to me...omg!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
them at first, but her attention is galvanized when
she hears one of the men say the following...
"Emma come first."
"Den I come."
"Den two asses come together."
"I come once-a-more."
"Two asses, they come together again."
"I come again and pee twice."
"Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta
sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I betta you reada this again!!!
i betta you right.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A TRUE STORY---OOOPS!
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult
voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a
storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my
bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the
guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it
was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal
to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting
for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting, " Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex
shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area
to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
A physician told this story
about her then 4 yr.. old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor ad left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it upand began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
YIKES!
it probably was true. i've got one that was the result of a "most embarassing story contest". the winner was a woman who was in the bank with her kid, who was naturally doing what most kids do when they're 3 or 4 standing in a long line at the bank. trying to keep himself entertained. the mother grabbed the kids arm and made some threat to him to try to get him to behave. which would have worked well except the kid looked back and said "if you don't let go of me i'm gonna tell grandma i saw you sucking daddy's pee-pee".
DOH!
A young man walked into the local welfare office,
marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing. We just got
a listing from a very wealthy man who
wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around a big black Mercedes,
and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job,
meals will also be provided and you will
also be required to escort the young lady
on her overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year."
The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"
I think the names have been changed in this story because a man named Bubba wouldn't be this clever ;) or the story is just NOT true. This also may be a repeat for this thread but it is funny...
An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad.......
A few days later he received a letter from his son.......
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Bubba
At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.
That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
LOVE BUBBA
i love that story. :)
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.
If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don't
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off and they think those who don't have it want it.
People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways! AREEEEZ!
yes dear?
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?", "Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".
Seeeee, you men will never win! ;)
TRIP TWO!
yeah but we gotta keep trying.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She
asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,"Winnie the SHIT."
For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
YA YA!!!
Ahhhhhh tax time....
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator ! in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After ! thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.
 If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
eeewwww!!!
and here I thought the tax man was gonna be waiting for his cut of the inevitable riches of the three wishes...
I see NO man has responded to that joke! :)
I sent it to all my guy friends! hahahaha
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a Makina da love withah
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished
porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!"
LMAOROFL!!!!
HOW TO IMPROVE A MAN'S AIM.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
LOL!
Good one. So being that I'll be unemployed in a couple of weeks, does that mean that I'll have one big blue medicine ball? Or does that simply mean that I'm just married.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and gusty day she is in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she hears her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God!" she yells to her lover. "Hurry! Grab your clothes
and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" comes the strangled reply from
beneath the sheets "It's pouring out there!"
If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replies.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the
least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, tucks his clothes beneath
his arm and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street
in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers that he has run right into the middle
of the town's annual marathon. So he starts running along beside the others -
about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he unsuccessfully
tries his best to "blend in".
After a little while, a small group of runners who have been studying
him with some curiosity, jog closer. "Do you always run in the
nude?" one asks.
"Oh yes" he replies, gasping. "It feels so wonderfully free
having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moves alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answers breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get into my car and go home!"
A third runner casts his eyes a little lower and queries, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
VULNERABLE
hahahha this is funny...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
oh, i won't argue with that. the funny part that is.
LolHehehehehehahahahaha! Thanks for the laughs! :~)
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!
Cant Stop Laughing!!! Thanks Ter! :~D
Thats a good one! ;p
any viagra is a good thing ;)
that's not saying much about your husband, j.
Wasn't gonna go there...
I just wish Ares would leave that poor frog alone already.
BREAKING NEWS!
CNN/REUTERS: NEWS REPORTS HAVE FILTERED OUT EARLY THIS MORNING THAT US FORCES HAVE SWOOPED ON AN IRAQI PRIMARY SCHOOL AND DETAINED TEACHER MOHAMMED AL-HAZAR. SOURCES INDICATE THAT, WHEN ARRESTED, AL-HAZAR WAS IN POSSESSION OF A RULER, A PROTRACTOR, A SET SQUARE AND A CALCULATOR.
US PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH ARGUED THAT THIS WAS CLEAR AND OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE THAT IRAQ INDEED POSSESSED WEAPONS OF MATHS INSTRUCTION
LOL
I'm stealing that one.
from the inbox of icesis:
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the
regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the Second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains......."It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."
I know some people who are that naive ;)
so do i.
WITH REGRETS....
7 Degrees of Blonde
Snerk!
Those are good
except for #5
I love the tree one