An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. > The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" > American (in a bad mood): "Of course." > French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. > The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" > American: "Of Course." > Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states." > The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" > Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. > American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" > Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." > American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France." ---
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFER: Could we be overreacting? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And my personal favorite..... Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road.
They killed it instantly.
Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened."
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What appen to you?" He asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God, What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.
The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East.
To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
JOHNNY COCHRAN
It was because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time.
He would then stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in   front of him. The husband was confused and asked. "What are you doing taking your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my kitty." I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "No, not at all". The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page".
A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner! Look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. Give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you". To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,  complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.  The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper  between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the  years?" Without missing a beat the husband says,  "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road..He swerves to avoid hitting it, but,unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?) ' ' '
(Are you sure?) ' ' ' '
(This is bad!) ' ' ' ' '
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!) ' ' ' ' '
(You know you could just click out of the forum and not read the punch line....) ' ' ' '
(You can still hit the back button) ' ' ' '
(You know you're gonna be sorry) ' ' ' ' '
(Last chance) ' ' ' '
(OK, here it is) ' ' '
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today! -------------------------------------
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering... I'm in no way related to the True Master that has been all the news lately. Although I do have a lot of his tastes, I'm still not related. ;o)
This one is for ME2!  Dear Lord:  I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife  Merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel You have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. hahahahahahaha!
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
It is good to be a woman: 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo. 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee,
ouch.
CRUNCH!
Ha! funny! I always knew there was a reason I don't like chewing gum!
THIS IS NO JOKE...
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
         SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
         SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
         SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
         SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
         SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
         SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
         SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
         SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And my personal favorite.....
         DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
         SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
         SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road.
They killed it instantly.
Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened."
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What appen to you?" He asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God, What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.
The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
bwah.
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East.
To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks:
"Once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
hahahhaa... whoa!
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this
can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
JOHNNY COCHRAN
It was because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Great one, me2
Cowboy's & Muslim's
Hehehe
Since this is post 269
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
and you complain because i don't call you for these things. sheesh.
A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The
wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put
his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he
would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her
"kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short
time each time.
He would then stop and resume reading his book. The wife
gradually became aroused with this and thought that her
husband was seeking some response as encouragement before
going any further. She got up and started stripping in
  front of him. The husband was confused and asked. "What are
you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You
were playing with my kitty." I thought it was foreplay to
stimulate making love with you tonight.
The husband said,
"No, not at all".
The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing
then?"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers
so I could turn the page".
ooooooooooooooooooh, thats when you know the marriage is OVER!
A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a
prisoner! Look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. Give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
hahahaaha.
Yeeeeeeeeeowww!
Heh!
Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
 complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
 The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
 between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
 years?" Without missing a beat the husband says,
 "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
You go LL. Funny stuff.
Nice avatar too.
Heres a little somthin for your easter basket CM!
That was my desktop until today. ;o)
BUTT MEASUREMENT
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over
at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet
your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
LOL!!!
LIQUOR LADY 4/21/03 7:34am
Between your picture of boobs, and Ares e-mailing me. I'm gonna get me fired for sure.
:-)
AHhhhhhhhh! Boooooobs!
Homer type drool all over my shirt
Between your picture of boobs, and Ares e-mailing me. I'm gonna get me fired for sure.
Well, if you werent such a horn dog ;) or is that a deuche bag? ;)
deuche nozzle
EWWWWWWW!
HARE
another AW joke ;)
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road..He swerves to avoid hitting it, but,unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?) ' ' '
(Are you sure?) ' ' ' '
(This is bad!) ' ' ' ' '
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!) ' ' ' ' '
(You know you could just click out of the forum and not read the punch line....) ' ' ' '
(You can still hit the back button) ' ' ' '
(You know you're gonna be sorry) ' ' ' ' '
(Last chance) ' ' ' '
(OK, here it is) ' ' '
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
::snort::
Heartwarming Story ...
Radio is a powerful medium......
ML
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
-------------------------------------
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all
alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Life is good.
Sincerely, Edna
LOL!! Even the really old people still got it.
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering... I'm in no way related to the True Master that has been all the news lately. Although I do have a lot of his tastes, I'm still not related. ;o)
Thanks for clarifing that CM. cause 'true' does rhyme with 'clue' ;)
For those men who do not appreciate their wives!
This one is for ME2!
 Dear Lord:
 I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
 Merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel You have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
I don't do breakfast ;)
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife. hahahahahahaha!
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
cotton balls? hee hee!
that was for David :)
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with..."a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
did everyone find something offensive?
offensive JOE!
I loved this one-----> "Sum Ting Wong"
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
::snerk::
did everyone find something offensive?
yuppers.
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an
idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they
aren't listening anyway.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
I'd consider this a negative.
If we marry someone 20 years younger
Yeah, like that'll ever happen without first divorcing some old rich guy
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Huh?