hey you could still use that line- just trying to help you out! ::sigh:: you could help the needy -maybe even write the condoms off on taxes for it -DOH!
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture     Washington, D.C. 20224
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Jenks, Oklahoma, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours, Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Jerry Vandagriff
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
P.S.S. Jerry is one of my shipmates and a fellow crewmember from VQ-! , and I think that all that flying around in those top secret electrons softened our brains!! (but we can't tell anyone about it).
ok- obviously this was an e-mail that I am not gonna fix to post it here- I recieved it just like this- :)
------------
You Know You Are Living In The Year 2003 When...
> > > > 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because > >they do not have e-mail.
> > 2. You have a list of 12 phone numbers to reach your family of > >three.
> > 3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your > >newborn so she can create a screen saver.
> > 4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to > >see if anyone is home.
> > 5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at > >the bottom of the screen.
> > 6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and > >sells for half the price you paid.
> > 7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't > >have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for > >panic and you turn around to go get it.
> > 8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a > >purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
> > 9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
> > 10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
> > 11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet (or > >the pooltable).
> > 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it > >Notes.
> > 13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in > >person.
> > 14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
> > 15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful > >feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
> > 16. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting > >your coffee.
> > 17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your > >E-mail on your way back to bed.
> > 18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
> > 19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
> > 20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward > >this to...SO DO IT - NOW!!!!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job !.
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,too
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking ?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ..."HELLLLO".... "You need to roll up the windows!"
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Kathleen. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide- eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful _expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing.." the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,"Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me".
since some of you are afraid to go into the ASK GOD thread I decided to post the same story here...
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.
There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's Funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
This blonde walks into a telegram office and she asks the man at the desk how much it would be to send a message overseas to her mother. The man said it would cost $300. The blonde says, "300 dollars, I don't have that kind of money, but I would do anything to get this message to my mother." "Anything?" replies the man. The blonde says, "Yes, anything." So the man says follow me. She follows him into a back room and he says,"Take off my belt and pants." So she does. "Get down on your knees," he says. So she does. "Well, go ahead," he says.So the blonde grabs it, puts her lips up to it and says, "Hello, Mom
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices little Johnny next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over and notices that the boy had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope to the cat's collar, your fire truck would probably go faster." Johnny replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
hey you could still use that line- just trying to help you out! ::sigh:: you could help the needy -maybe even write the condoms off on taxes for it -DOH!
or, youcould buy methe condoms and write them off yourself as a charitable donation ;)
how well does that work as a pickup line?
his boobs are as big as hers.
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
    Washington, D.C. 20224
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Jenks, Oklahoma, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to
raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
                                   Jerry Vandagriff
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese.
P.S.S. Jerry is one of my shipmates and a fellow crewmember from VQ-! , and I think that all that flying around in those top secret electrons softened our brains!! (but we can't tell anyone about it).
ok- obviously this was an e-mail that I am not gonna fix to post it here- I recieved it just like this- :)
------------
You Know You Are Living In The Year 2003 When...
hahaha I love #18
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job !.
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,too
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking ?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
OMG! Thank you - I sooooo needed that!
and I needed this JOE too ;)
I had to hang that one up at work, it just fit the mood too well!
and I needed this JOE too ;)
and i was nowhere to be found when you needed me most to help you with it. i oughtta be ashamed of myself ;)
and i was nowhere to be found when you needed me most to help you with it.
maybe she wanted to do it by herself ;)
maybe she wanted to do it by herself ;)
we all know her better than that though, don't we? ;)
you do? ;)
yes. i do. and i have the quotes from you locked away in this here photographic memory of mine to prove it ;)
you have a photographic memory and all you got is quotes?
;)
well, that's all i've got that i could post here ;)
yeah- I bet you got a 'post' after thinking of me ;)
LMFAO!!!!!!!
I hope you put your pop down first ;)
It was coffee, and thank god I wasn't drinking at the time! :)
yeah- I bet you got a 'post' after thinking of me ;)
wouldn't you just like to know? ;)
I don't need to hear it from you -I already know! ;)
wouldn't you just like to know? ;)
do you really think you are hiding something?
aww. you really do love me.
yeah- I bet you got a 'post' after thinking of me
Way funny!!!! LOL
you're just jealous because you can't get a 'post' after thinking about her ;)
how can you speak for him?
he can POST for himself! ;)
yes dear.
:: hangs head in shame ::
It's crazy how much posting one can accomplish with just a little Viagra and chocolate.
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and
got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go
home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all
the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her
eyes and said, ..."HELLLLO".... "You need to roll up the windows!"
:)
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child,
was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Kathleen.
When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911." Due to a power
outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-
eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place. Smack him again."
DOH!
LMFAO! I love that one!
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an
experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks
later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful _expression on his face, he
says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!
The minute I posted that joke YOU were the first person I thought of who should NOT read it! ::shakes head::
then maybe you shouldn't have posted it in a place where children could read it, honey :)
yes she should have! I got a good laugh from that one!
oh, i totally agree with that, ll. :)
LOL LOL LOL I just fell on the floor Me2...
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing.." the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,"Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me".
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago!!".
:: joining digger on the floor ::
since some of you are afraid to go into the ASK GOD thread I decided to post the same story here...
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.
There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's Funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory"
following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
p.s. Sure is hot down here
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
4. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?
6. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love. After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
11. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
12. Someday I hope to get married .
but not to you.
13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together, you always
said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken
up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
15. We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop?
16. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.
17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
18. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West
Virginia)
How can you tell when you are at a gay barbecue?
The hotdogs taste like shit.
:) im done
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!
This blonde walks into a telegram office and she asks the man at the desk how much it would be to send a message overseas to her mother. The man said it would cost $300. The blonde says, "300 dollars, I don't have that kind of money, but I would do anything to get this message to my mother." "Anything?" replies the man. The blonde says, "Yes, anything." So the man says follow me. She follows him into a back room and he says,"Take off my belt and pants." So she does. "Get down on your knees," he says. So she does. "Well, go ahead," he says.So the blonde grabs it, puts her lips up to it and says, "Hello, Mom
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices little Johnny next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over and notices that the boy had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope to the cat's collar, your fire truck would probably go faster." Johnny replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."