Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK: Â 1. " Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you ". Â 2. " You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing ". Â 3. " Well this day was a total waste of make-up. " Â 4. " Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine? " Â 5. " Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. " Â 6. " Do I look like a people person? " Â 7. " This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. " Â 8. " I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. " Â 9. " Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. " Â 10. " Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control? " Â 11. " I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. " Â 12. " Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. " Â 13. " Do they ever shut up on your planet? " Â 14. " I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable ". Â 15. " Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. " Â 16. " Back off!! You're standing in my aura. " Â 17. " Don't worry. I forgot your name too. " Â 18. " I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. " Â 19. " Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. " Â 20. " Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. " Â 21. " Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done. " Â 22. " Ambivalent? Well yes and no. " Â 23. " You look like shit. Is that the style now? " Â 24. " Earth is full. Go home. " Â 25. " Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego? " Â 26. " I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. " Â 27. " A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Â 28. " You are depriving some village of an idiot. " Â 29. " If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport.
I love # 14! gotta remember that one for a select few customers of mine!
too funny ---the name of the guy in this joke is named Bubba! dizzam... well hey... atleast bubba can hook up with someone even when he does get drunk... but Bubba wasn't even drunk to figure this one out :)
I saw the end of this coming but it is still funny non the less...
What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard," you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!"
"And since you own a house, and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds paid a`visit to their doctor.
I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," Â said the husband. "My penis is turning blue." Â That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." Â The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's penis is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" Â Yes, I am," she replied. Â And what kind of jelly are you using with it? Â Grape", she said
"Okay class, um...please settle down now. I'd like to introduce our new student...ah, um, Willy Bubba. Willy is from Kentucky. Welcome Willy. I'll be your teacher, my name is Mrs. Felby."
Well I flopped out of school but I still hang in the halls So there I was, you'd never guess what I saw Maybe a chicken, I thought it was a duck But it was a redneck fuck So I walked up "Hey Willy Bubba, Hubba-Bubba-Lubba My name's Violent J, but my homies call me Chicken Pluka I been down with the clown since day one...it's day two I guess I got some plukin' to do In these parts, we tie you to the desk And all line up and take blows to your chest Fists to your chin, kicks to your head Last year we killed a kid dead (HAAAA!! Oh, my fault...) Walked into school, there's hay in the hallway leadin' to your locker Walk up and sock ya Then bounce your head around the classroom and act nutty The teacher walks in and asked everybody...
Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass? I DID!! Did you do it right here in the class? SURE DID!! Did you punch him in the face? Did you slap him in the mouth? Did you kick him in the forehead? YEAH!! YEAH!! Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass? I DID!! Did you do it right here in the class? SURE DID!! Did you punch him in the face? Did you slap him in the mouth? Did you kick him in the forehead? YEAH!! YEAH!!
Nice to get back with the highschool crowd where you're alive....
Willy Willy Bubba, Hubba-Lubba-Dubba-Dilly Tell me why you talk so silly...bitch You sound like you came from he land of the bigot's Jolly ol' dickens The land of the chickens I guess you're in season, I'm packin' me a 4-4 Barrels to your head, and blow your face out your asshole POW! Bitch...I'm Shaggy 2 Dope I'm comin' for your kin folk You get your chin broke And don't cry, go run to the teach She can't understand your redneck ass speech If she could, she wouldn't do a thang 'Cause she's my bitch and she loves to suck my wang You in trouble Bubba, you better run quick You too slow Willy, 'cause you a fat bitch I caught up and got my hands all bloody Teacher walks in the classroom and asked everybody
Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass? I DID!! Did you do it right here in the class? SURE DID!! Did you punch him in the face? Did you slap him in the mouth? Did you kick him in the forehead? YEAH!! YEAH!! Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass? I DID!! Did you do it right here in the class? SURE DID!! Did you punch him in the face? Did you slap him in the mouth? Did you kick him in the forehead? YEAH!! YEAH!!
HOOOOOLLLLDDDDD UUUUUUPPPP!!!! Check it out.
Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba Let's play Willy Bubba Da-dang-dang-dang-da-dang... Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba Let's play Willy Bubba And kill the Willy Bubba
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck. The guy had to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting the woman.This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out hiswindow and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfyingor unrewarding That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female thathas a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Its interesting how many cars are on the road while we are out driving just from work to home and back again.
we were at the state fair and counted how much the GIANT SLIDE was racking in -
took approx at $2 per person (as many as 2-3 riding per turn) = approx $100 per minute. Now $6000 per hour Ride is open from 9 am to midnight = $90,000 per day x 12 days of the fair = $1,080,000 per year- I don't think the family has any other job year round-I wouldn't! I think it was my sister that said we should go to another state and start up our own Giant Slide!
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the crap kicked out of him.
Two guys from International Falls, MN die and wake up in Hell. The Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesota, the land of snow and ice and, ve're yust happy for a chance to varm up a little bit, ya know."
The Devil decides these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the Devil finds them in lightweight jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking Beer.
The Devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."
The two Minnesotans reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much varm veather up dere in da Falls, so ve've just got to have a fish fry vhen the veather's dis nice."
The Devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. So he decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad they're unable to wail, moan, or even gnash their teeth.
The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Minnesotans. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The Devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong withyou two?"
The Minnesotans look at the Devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know,if hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl."
The following ran in the Atlanta Journal. "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE: Seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm an attractive girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, cozy winter nights by the fire. Candlelight dinner will have me eating our of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours! Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking with the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then a sked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations."
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks" door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
The following is from an actual 1950s home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his s hoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. "
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you. .
Food For Thought "If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much."?
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.
Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
The telephone company was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Polish guys and a team of two Norwegians.
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most telephone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, the Norwegian guys came back and the boss asked them how many poles they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later the Polish guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said the Polish leader, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"
As I've Matured... Â Â I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. Â Â I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. Â Â I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. Â Â I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Â Â I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. Â Â I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. Â Â I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. Â Â I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. Â Â I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Â Â I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. Â Â I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Â Â I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. Â Â I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? Â What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100% How about achieving 103%? Â Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: What makes up 100% in life? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Â Then: Â H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% Â But, Â A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, Â B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. Â A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% Â So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: Â While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, Â And, Attitude will get you there, Â Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants! 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" 4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and buttthead's. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A womans birthday was coming up and she told her boyfriend she would like one of those cute little Mexican hairless dogs. Well, he looked everywhere he could think of but couldn't find one. But, he did find a cute, adorable little Schnauzer. Rather than face her birthday empty handed, he bought it and proudly gave it to her on the big day. Somewhat dejectedly, she accepted it with a smile and was proud of him for trying. Alas, the Schnauzer was cute but she had her heart set on a hairless dog. She got a brainstorm, jumped on her bicycle, and rode down to the corner drugstore. Upon entering, she told the druggist she would like 2 quarts of Nair, that magic hair remover. The druggist was a bit surprised at the amount she wanted and felt obligated to warn her, " Lady, you gotta realize if you use this stuff on your legs, you might not be able to wear stockings for a few days. " She says, " Oh, I'm not going to use it on my legs. " Still trying to help, he says, " Well, if you use this under your arms, you are going to get a little bit raw, and might be holding your arms up in the air for a week or so until you heal. She says, " I'm not going to use it under my arms. I'm going to put it on my Schnauzer. " The scared druggist says, " Holy Moly lady, you won't ride that bicycle for a month!! "
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
Here is a new scam for you. It works this way. A young woman proposes to wash your car window while you wait at the red light, and another one takes advantage of it to open the back door and steal everything she can grab. Be warned, they are very well organized!!! Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light! If your windows get washed . . . Don't look at them, they'll try to distract you .... I know ..... They have gotten me 10 times already. (See attached file: window washing scam.jpg) . . . . . . .
hahahahaa :)---poor kitty! :(
hahahahahaha!
Haaaay!
Olsen Triplet Found
WOW! that would be horrible if it really happened.
if it really happened.
What do you mean IF it really happened? Of course it did. It's on the internet isn't it? ;-)
Somewhere in the deep south Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true
they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true." answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging
their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
'Cause I was thinkin'--maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've
been waken' up with."
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK:
 1. " Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you ".
 2. " You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing ".
 3. " Well this day was a total waste of make-up. "
 4. " Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine? "
 5. " Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. "
 6. " Do I look like a people person? "
 7. " This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. "
 8. " I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. "
 9. " Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You
choose. "
 10. " Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control? "
 11. " I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. "
 12. " Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. "
 13. " Do they ever shut up on your planet? "
 14. " I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable ".
 15. " Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet. "
 16. " Back off!! You're standing in my aura. "
 17. " Don't worry. I forgot your name too. "
 18. " I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. "
 19. " Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. "
 20. " Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. "
 21. " Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done. "
 22. " Ambivalent? Well yes and no. "
 23. " You look like shit. Is that the style now? "
 24. " Earth is full. Go home. "
 25. " Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego? "
 26. " I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. "
 27. " A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
 28. " You are depriving some village of an idiot. "
 29. " If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport.
I love # 14! gotta remember that one for a select few customers of mine!
dizzam... well hey... atleast bubba can hook up with someone even when he does get drunk...
Some of those will make great taglines.
too funny ---the name of the guy in this joke is named Bubba!
dizzam... well hey... atleast bubba can hook up with someone even when he does get drunk... but Bubba wasn't even drunk to figure this one out :)
I saw the end of this coming but it is still funny non the less...
What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed
eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard,"
you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!"
"And since you own a house, and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever
heard
of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?
A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds
paid a`visit to their doctor.
I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"
 said the husband. "My penis is turning blue."
 That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
 The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's penis is blue.
The doctor turns to the wife.
Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
 Yes, I am," she replied.
 And what kind of jelly are you using with it?
 Grape", she said
heres the lyrics:
"Okay class, um...please settle down now.
I'd like to introduce our new student...ah, um, Willy Bubba.
Willy is from Kentucky.
Welcome Willy.
I'll be your teacher, my name is Mrs. Felby."
Well I flopped out of school but I still hang in the halls
So there I was, you'd never guess what I saw
Maybe a chicken, I thought it was a duck
But it was a redneck fuck
So I walked up
"Hey Willy Bubba, Hubba-Bubba-Lubba
My name's Violent J, but my homies call me Chicken Pluka
I been down with the clown since day one...it's day two
I guess I got some plukin' to do
In these parts, we tie you to the desk
And all line up and take blows to your chest
Fists to your chin, kicks to your head
Last year we killed a kid dead
(HAAAA!! Oh, my fault...)
Walked into school, there's hay in the hallway leadin' to your locker
Walk up and sock ya
Then bounce your head around the classroom and act nutty
The teacher walks in and asked everybody...
Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass?
I DID!!
Did you do it right here in the class?
SURE DID!!
Did you punch him in the face?
Did you slap him in the mouth?
Did you kick him in the forehead?
YEAH!! YEAH!!
Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass?
I DID!!
Did you do it right here in the class?
SURE DID!!
Did you punch him in the face?
Did you slap him in the mouth?
Did you kick him in the forehead?
YEAH!! YEAH!!
Nice to get back with the highschool crowd where
you're alive....
Willy Willy Bubba, Hubba-Lubba-Dubba-Dilly
Tell me why you talk so silly...bitch
You sound like you came from he land of the bigot's
Jolly ol' dickens
The land of the chickens
I guess you're in season, I'm packin' me a 4-4
Barrels to your head, and blow your face out your asshole
POW! Bitch...I'm Shaggy 2 Dope
I'm comin' for your kin folk
You get your chin broke
And don't cry, go run to the teach
She can't understand your redneck ass speech
If she could, she wouldn't do a thang
'Cause she's my bitch and she loves to suck my wang
You in trouble Bubba, you better run quick
You too slow Willy, 'cause you a fat bitch
I caught up and got my hands all bloody
Teacher walks in the classroom and asked everybody
Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass?
I DID!!
Did you do it right here in the class?
SURE DID!!
Did you punch him in the face?
Did you slap him in the mouth?
Did you kick him in the forehead?
YEAH!! YEAH!!
Who kicked Willy Bubba's ass?
I DID!!
Did you do it right here in the class?
SURE DID!!
Did you punch him in the face?
Did you slap him in the mouth?
Did you kick him in the forehead?
YEAH!! YEAH!!
HOOOOOLLLLDDDDD UUUUUUPPPP!!!! Check it out.
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
Let's play Willy Bubba
Da-dang-dang-dang-da-dang...
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
Let's play Willy Bubba
And kill the Willy Bubba
very funny---a willy is also a penis --so that song fits the last 2 jokes nicely :p
a willy is also a penis
So is Queen Sophia
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck. The guy had to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting the woman.This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out hiswindow and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass
everyday.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfyingor unrewarding
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
thathas a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... Not even on a bet!!!
I'm scared now. Thanks TV!
Its interesting how many cars are on the road while we are out driving just from work to home and back again.
we were at the state fair and counted how much the GIANT SLIDE was racking in -
took approx at $2 per person (as many as 2-3 riding per turn) = approx $100 per minute. Now $6000 per hour Ride is open from 9 am to midnight = $90,000 per day x 12 days of the fair = $1,080,000 per year-
I don't think the family has any other job year round-I wouldn't! I think it was my sister that said we should go to another state and start up our own Giant Slide!
TerryV 8/27/03 5:35pm
Bwwaaaahhh! That's great.
Bwwaaaahhh!
is that really you THX? or is AW at your house? ;)
is that really you THX? or is AW at your house? ;)
Well, I'm not at home so I don't know if AW is at my house.
Well I'm at AW's house so he isn't here anyway. ;-)
The rabbit isn't at my house!
if he were at my house he would be missing a foot!
Beans wants a rabbits foot. ;p
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the crap kicked out of him.
YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!
Two guys from International Falls, MN die and wake up in Hell. The Devil
stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and
bomber
hats, warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks
them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesota, the land
of snow and ice and, ve're yust happy for a chance to varm up a little bit,
ya
know."
The Devil decides these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat
even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the
Devil finds them in lightweight jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and
drinking Beer.
The Devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you
two seem to be enjoying yourself."
The two Minnesotans reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much varm
veather up dere in da Falls, so ve've just got to have a fish fry vhen the
veather's dis nice."
The Devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been
cold all their lives. So he decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The
next
morning, the temperature is 40 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere,
and people are shivering so bad they're unable to wail, moan, or even gnash
their teeth.
The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Minnesotans. He gets
there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They
are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The Devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong
withyou two?"
The Minnesotans look at the Devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know,if
hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl."
Whoa....
Have a great day!!
The following ran in the Atlanta Journal. "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE: Seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm an attractive girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, cozy winter nights by the fire. Candlelight dinner will have me eating our of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours! Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking with the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador.
Men are so easy!!!
Damn... thats sneaky.
funny!
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then a sked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike
most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people
up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It has been in my family
for six generations."
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch
the watch, watch the watch ." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Sh!t!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater
DOH! "keep it clean" 444 JOE!
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a
phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got
in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his
"barracks" door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open
did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No,
no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel
bags."
he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and
refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses:
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally
the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with
billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can
only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long
as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's
over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say
is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work
again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his
wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and
says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
The following is from an actual 1950s home economics
textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them
how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to
have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know
that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about
his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the
prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon
in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,
and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures
and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor
compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm
drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his s
hoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow
him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him,
but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take
you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead
try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need
to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and
order where your husband can relax. "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The revised version for today's woman
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail
message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time.
This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives
him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter
on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep
you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth.
(Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that
any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be
placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to
watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are
from his previous marriages.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he
arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints.
Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more
attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that
the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket
if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take
you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a
friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding
him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.
Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you. .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Food For Thought
"If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one
week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff
won't matter that much."?
Man I feel sorry for the women who were married in the 50's!
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both
worked full-time, he never helped around the house.
Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children
bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer,
dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who
worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
The telephone company was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Polish guys and a team of two Norwegians.
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most telephone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, the Norwegian guys came back and the boss asked them how many poles they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later the Polish guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said the Polish leader, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"
aaaaaahhh
I thought that was gonna be a joke that the Polish put 'Poles' in the ground -as in putting real Polish guys in the ground
Poles is a nickname for Polish ;)
As I've Matured...
  I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
  I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
  I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
  I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
  I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
  I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
  I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
  I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
  I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
New Philosophy
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?
 What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100% How about achieving 103%?
 Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
What makes up 100% in life?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
 Then:
 H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
 But,
 A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
 B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
 A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
 So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
 While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
 And, Attitude will get you there,
 Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants!
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and buttthead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
hahahahaahahha
#2
A womans birthday was coming up and she told her boyfriend she would like one of those cute little Mexican hairless dogs.
Well, he looked everywhere he could think of but couldn't find one. But, he did find a cute, adorable little Schnauzer. Rather than face her birthday empty handed, he bought it and proudly gave it to her on the big day.
Somewhat dejectedly, she accepted it with a smile and was proud of him for trying. Alas, the Schnauzer was cute but she had her heart set on a hairless dog.
She got a brainstorm, jumped on her bicycle, and rode down to the corner drugstore. Upon entering, she told the druggist she would like 2 quarts of Nair, that magic hair remover.
The druggist was a bit surprised at the amount she wanted and felt obligated to warn her,
" Lady, you gotta realize if you use this stuff on your legs, you might not be able to wear stockings for a few days. "
She says, " Oh, I'm not going to use it on my legs. "
Still trying to help, he says, " Well, if you use this under your arms, you are going to get a little bit raw, and might be holding your arms up in the air for a week or so until you heal.
She says, " I'm not going to use it under my arms. I'm going to put it on my Schnauzer. "
The scared druggist says, " Holy Moly lady, you won't ride that bicycle for a month!! "
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
:O
Here is a new scam for you.
It works this way. A young woman proposes to
wash your car window while you wait at the red
light, and another one takes advantage of it to
open the back door and steal everything she can
grab.
Be warned, they are very well organized!!!
Don't leave your doors or windows open if you
drive up to a red light!
If your windows get washed . . .
Don't look at them, they'll try to distract you .... I know ..... They
have gotten me 10 times already.
(See attached file: window washing scam.jpg)
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Courtesy of Sloop