Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary.
"Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Quick to respond, she says, "I believe you're in my chair."
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide"?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license".
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
You have two cows. Â Your neighbor has none. Â You feel guilty for being successful. Â Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Â Your neighbor has none. Â So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. Â The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Â You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. Â The government seizes both and provides you with milk. Â You wait in line for hours to get it. Â It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Â You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support  a man  in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your  government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for  the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.  You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when one cow drops dead.  You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are  reducing expenses.  Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Â You go on strike because you want three cows. Â You go to lunch and drink wine. Â Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and  produce twenty times the milk.  They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.  Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent  quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.  Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. Â While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. Â You break for lunch. Â Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Â You have some vodka. Â You count them and learn you have five cows. Â You have some more vodka. Â You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. Â The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.  You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.  Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the  hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. Â They go into hiding. Â They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Â Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.  Everyone votes for the best looking one.  Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.  Some people vote for both.  Some people vote for neither.  Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.  Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the  best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows. Â You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd. Â So you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. Â Most are got into the herd illegally. Â Arnold likes the ones with the big teets.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer/Chief who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The retiree got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Chief MasterSergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief Master Sergeant to drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief Master Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of bonds and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
The Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work politicians. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette. 'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,' his friend says. 'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 'What's phase one?' 'I've quit buying.'
***********************************
Bumper Stickers to start the new year
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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New Years Resolutions What You Say and What You Mean
What you say: "I will go to the gym more." What you mean: "I will use their shower when the water heater is broken in my apt."
What you say: "I plan on eating healthy." What you mean: "I plan on downshifting from venti to grande fudge brownie frappucino. No whipped cream."
What you say: "I'm going to do something productive with my life." What you mean: "I'm going to elaborate my stories, so to sound more interesting to my friends."
What you say: "I will try better to keep in touch with my mother." What you mean: "This is the year that I finally send my mom to the home."
What you say: "I should be nicer to my little sister." What you mean: "I will only take five dollars from her piggy bank a week, instead of the usual ten."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Â Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.  He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a   prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe  again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he  guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I
want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, Â dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I  not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."  The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need  you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her  give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you  say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE OUT THERE,Bill Gates' Speech to MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, CA.
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this speech, huh!
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachers created a generation of kids with NO CONCEPT reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the real world. (How TRUE and SO SAD!)
Rule 1: Life is not fair - - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, BUT LIFE HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This does not bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one!!
On the internet, whenever some bit of folksy wisdom is attributed to someone famous, you can usually assume that that they didn't really say it, especially if it's George Carlin. So for next time, now you can say you've been told :-P
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is approaching you screamingobscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? _________________________________________________________________
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?Could we run away? What does my wife think?What about the kids? Would a stray bullet hit them? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? You know, he has not actually committed a crime, yet.Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing ME? Does he definitely want to kill us or would he just be content with wounding us?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends who haven't a clue either for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...snap...cachunk (sound of old clip being ejected, fresh clip insertion and gun mechanism re-loading itself)
Texan's Wife: "Darlin', he looks like he's still moving, what do you think, kids?"
Clue, it's silly but it made me laugh - and that's what counts.
BTW, that photo of the cars isn't really from New Hampshire (I was just joshing due to their weather). I believe it is from a home in Canada where the owners left town and didn't turn off their water to the garage.
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary.
"Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Quick to respond, she says, "I believe you're in my chair."
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the
pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide"?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her
husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have
mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against
the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license".
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed
it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 You feel guilty for being successful.
 Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
 The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
 You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
 The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
 You wait in line for hours to get it.
 It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
 You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
 The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
 a man
 in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your
 government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
 The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for
 the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
 You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
 You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
 You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
 You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized
and
are
 reducing expenses.
 Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
 You go on strike because you want three cows.
 You go to lunch and drink wine.
 Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
 You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and
 produce twenty times the milk.
 They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
 Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
 You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent
 quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
 Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
 While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
 You break for lunch.
 Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
 You have some vodka.
 You count them and learn you have five cows.
 You have some more vodka.
 You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
 The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
 You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
 Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the
 hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
 They go into hiding.
 They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
 Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
 Everyone votes for the best looking one.
 Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black
one.
 Some people vote for both.
 Some people vote for neither.
 Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
 Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
 best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
 You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd.
 So you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
 Most are got into the herd illegally.
 Arnold likes the ones with the big teets.
HeeHee! Good one!
Tragedy: Six Killed in traffic accident.
shouldnt have been drinking and driving ;p
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to
offer
an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer/Chief who volunteered
for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his body. The retiree got to choose what those
two
points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Chief MasterSergeant who, when asked where
he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my
testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;
explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief Master Sergeant to
drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the
tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief Master Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Very offensive, but funny, christmas song.P.S. You need volume.
MEMO - 2004 Re-Organisation & Re-Alignment
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's
loss
of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping
TV
channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market
share.
He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of
the
profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late
model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher
and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated.
Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas
and
solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed.Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance
abuse.
Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his
share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's
helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are
known
to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced
the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.
The
positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals, as well as a mix of bonds and high technology stocks,
appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity.
Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets
will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby
enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The
more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps
The Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
expense
of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work politicians. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback
on
new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right
to
the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship
in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
a
decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.
Should
that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow
White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit
smoking,' his friend says.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.
'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'What's phase one?'
'I've quit buying.'
Bumper Stickers to start the new year
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
New Years Resolutions
What You Say and What You Mean
What you say: "I will go to the gym more."
What you mean: "I will use their shower when the water heater is broken in my apt."
What you say: "I plan on eating healthy."
What you mean: "I plan on downshifting from venti to grande fudge brownie frappucino. No whipped cream."
What you say: "I'm going to do something productive with my life."
What you mean: "I'm going to elaborate my stories, so to sound more interesting to my friends."
What you say: "I will try better to keep in touch with my mother."
What you mean: "This is the year that I finally send my mom to the home."
What you say: "I should be nicer to my little sister."
What you mean: "I will only take five dollars from her piggy bank a week, instead of the usual ten."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
 Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
 He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a
  prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
 again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before,
he
 guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I
want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
 dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
CHINESE SICK LEAVE
I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I
 not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
 The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need
 you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her
 give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you
 say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE OUT THERE,Bill Gates' Speech to MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, CA.
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this speech, huh!
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachers created a generation of kids with NO CONCEPT reality and how this concept
sets them up for failure in the real world. (How TRUE and SO SAD!)
Rule 1:
Life is not fair - - get used to it!
Rule 2:
The world won't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3:
You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger
flipping-they called it opportunity.
Rule 6:
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7:
Before you were born,
your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.
So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's
generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners
and losers, BUT LIFE HAS NOT.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you
as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This does not
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested
in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life.
In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one!!
How is this for reality???
Great words, but it's not from Bill Gates.
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/b/billgatesspeech.htm
Now ya tell me :) Oh well, whoever said it hit the nail on the head!
Now ya tell me :)
How was I supposed to tell ya before?
I'm not a mind reader ya know?!!
I'm not a mind reader ya know?!!
Ahh Haa! There is something that THX can't do.
;+)
On the internet, whenever some bit of folksy wisdom is attributed to someone famous, you can usually assume that that they didn't really say it, especially if it's George Carlin. So for next time, now you can say you've been told :-P
I just found this board...so where are the laughs?
Having you here, Tess, is a real hoot!
Tess, there's a reason it's been dumped into "The Old Thread Nursing Home".
JBo, you're cute. Like a pitbull.
Tess, there's a reason it's been dumped into "The Old Thread Nursing Home".
Just asking. We could all use more laughs.
so the next question is this: does anyone know where that picture was taken? i do.....
Damn that looks like a West Bush Lake Road bridge over 494? I like the Minnesota license plate.
look closer....
<edit>Going East?
ahh but which way on 494?
Damn! At least it happend to a Porche and a Saab
looks like a water main broke somewhere.
Welcome to New Hampshire
Holy Moley!
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is approaching you screamingobscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? _________________________________________________________________
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?Could we run away? What does my wife think?What about the kids? Would a stray bullet hit them? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? You know, he has not actually committed a crime, yet.Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing ME? Does he definitely want to kill us or would he just be content with wounding us?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends who haven't a clue either for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...snap...cachunk (sound of old clip being ejected, fresh clip insertion and gun mechanism re-loading itself)
Texan's Wife: "Darlin', he looks like he's still moving, what do you think, kids?"
Texan's Son: "Mom's right Paw, I seen it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Texan's Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"
JBo, you're cute. Like a pitbull.
A compliment. How precious!
Not a joke but kinda fun nonetheless.
Doughboy
Joe
JOE!
THIEF!
yoink.
well techniqually his hole is down there ;p
Clue, it's silly but it made me laugh - and that's what counts.
BTW, that photo of the cars isn't really from New Hampshire (I was just joshing due to their weather). I believe it is from a home in Canada where the owners left town and didn't turn off their water to the garage.
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, People will think we're nuts."
Ahahahaha!