We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than is wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So next Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to support for all American women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your effort to root out terrorist and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity. God Bless America!!!!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store...I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three.
She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now."
You should have seen her face...it went completely blank.
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
Dear Lord, I pray for:  Wisdom, To understand a man  Love, To forgive him and  Patience, For his moods  Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength  I'll just beat him to death.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Reply from the Technical Side :-
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Â Â Â Â Â Â Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her  and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to  assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
The Mailman One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I." The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?" Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Mormons down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
My Oath toMy Drinking Buddies ~When you are sad, I will give you a beer, slap you, and say, "Cry me a fucking river you fat fucking baby... Now drink up."
~When you are scared, I will comfort you... and try to convince you that they will not search the trunk.
~When you are worried, I will buy not one but two thirty packs. That ought to hold us until 8pm.
~When you are lost, I will lead you back to your room... so that you can pass out with your boy/girlfriend and they can take care of you.
~When you are hungry, I will be a true friend... and keep you from adding on to your fat ass and hide the post-drinking munchies.
~When you are delirious with superhuman strength, I will sit your ass on the couch... and keep you from getting your drunk ass kicked..
~When you are confused, I will explain to you how sometimes ugly people look like supermodels when you are drunk.
This is my oath... I pledge until the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my drinking friend!
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks I pray that he is gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets. killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral d id your daddy teach you from that horrible story?:
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
While I was driving down the road the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a "Rectum Stretcher," I responded.
The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic ticket: $95.00 Court costs: $45.00 Look on cop's face ... Priceless
Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.. he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Nuts about You - My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a
while, so I asked him if he needed to go,and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you ! predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too! They were laughing so
TOP 10 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WIFE
10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22. 9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD. 8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES. 7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP. 6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO. 5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE. 4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH. 3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" 2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT. and, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman 1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN
Two Mama Whales were makin' their way north when they spot the whalin' ship that took their male a season past. They agree to rally beneath and capsize the ship by blasting water from their spouts. As the crew hit the water & tried to swim away, Martha sez to Gertrude, "Lets eat them." Gertude looks Martha down & whines, "Really Martha, a blowjob is one thing, but I won't swallow sea-men."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
that makes me want to 'light up'... NOT!
Gives a whole new meaning to the term "cigarette butt." heeheehee
cigarette butt
ohhh geeesh! boooooooooooooo!
I guess you wouldn't want to kiss that mouth ---- I dont think that would taste like "kissing an ashtray"
Are you sure you don't mean ASStray?
Not really a joke, but a cool trick.
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it!
does don't it!
We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than is wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So next Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to support for all American women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your effort to root out terrorist and applauds your participation in this antiterrorist activity.
God Bless America!!!!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON
You can count on me!
FROM A MAN!!!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store...I
walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three.
She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen
her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash
register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now."
You should have seen her face...it went completely blank.
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the
spring of 2008.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:
 Wisdom, To understand a man
 Love, To forgive him and
 Patience, For his moods
 Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
 I'll just beat him to death.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Reply from the Technical Side :-
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
heh.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
      Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
        Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
        They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
        You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
       Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
        Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
        A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
        Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
        Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
        Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
        Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
        Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
       A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
        Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
        Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
        Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
        Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
        The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
        Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
        A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
       A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
        Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.
I heard one somewhere today.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the raccoons it could be done.
hehe!
What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
Beef jerky.
This joke courtesy of the Laffy Taffy I ate this afternoon.
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Hee! I've seen that before Terry, but I still like it.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
 I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and
shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
 and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
 assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back
in the box."
HA!!!
The Mailman
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the
driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with
a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The
Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is
the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the
Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that
around
midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the
bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only
our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds,
"your name was guessed four or five times."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Mormons down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Cuz it was dead. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
this is the year of the monkey
The DEAD monkey!
better than the dead cat I found last year!
LOL! I forgot about that! I will ask THX to add a thread to keep track of all the interesting "other" things we find during the hunt this year!
Notice the woman never actually makes it to the Gap?
funny-she really never makes it out of the mall either :)
My Oath toMy Drinking Buddies
~When you are sad, I will give you a beer, slap you, and say, "Cry me a fucking river you fat fucking baby... Now drink up."
~When you are scared, I will comfort you... and try to convince you that they will not search the trunk.
~When you are worried, I will buy not one but two thirty packs. That ought to hold us until 8pm.
~When you are lost, I will lead you back to your room... so that you can pass out with your boy/girlfriend and they can take care of you.
~When you are hungry, I will be a true friend... and keep you from adding on to your fat ass and hide the post-drinking munchies.
~When you are delirious with superhuman strength, I will sit your ass on the couch... and keep you from getting your drunk ass kicked..
~When you are confused, I will explain to you how sometimes ugly people look like supermodels when you are drunk.
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's
handsome, smart and strong, One who's loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks I pray that he is gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen
Since it's the last day of the palace I thought this was appropriate
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
ouch!
Moral of the story
The teacher gave her fifth grade an assignment
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol
was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail
out
over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a
pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so
it
wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in
the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the
gun
until she ran out of bullets. killed four more with the knife, 'till
the
blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral d id
your
daddy teach you from that horrible story?:
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
An Old Saying Made New
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the
milk
for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are
against marriage.
Why? Because women realize "its not worth buying an entire Pig,
just to get
a little sausage."
Subject: Priceless!
Subject: Crawl and hide
TOP 10 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WIFE
10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON
THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET
YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK
UP.
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
and, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman
1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN
The Man Song :)
http://www.semmel.us/mansong.html
Two Mama Whales were makin' their way north when they spot the whalin' ship that took their male a season past. They agree to rally beneath and capsize the ship by blasting water from their spouts. As the crew hit the water & tried to swim away, Martha sez to Gertrude, "Lets eat them." Gertude looks Martha down & whines, "Really Martha, a blowjob is one thing, but I won't swallow sea-men."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
heehee!