Jokes

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
he found four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask
them only
one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get
the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's
on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know
of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't

 
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.

Old Bubba iz the new "Greeter" at the Lake Elsinore Walmart.

[Edited by on Jan 20, 2005 at 05:02am.]

[Edited by on Jan 20, 2005 at 05:18am.]

[Edited by on Jan 20, 2005 at 05:19am.]

[Edited by on Jan 21, 2005 at 06:05am.]

[Edited by on Jan 21, 2005 at 06:05am.]

[Edited by on Jan 21, 2005 at 06:06am.]

mrmnmikey 1/21/05 6:04am

LOL!!

LOL!!!

Thank God that tree is there for support.

ROFLMAO!

OMG

 A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

  He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my
grandpa!"

  The cop asked, "What's he like?"

 The little boy replied, "Canadian Club "Dark" and women with big
boobs."

 


Subject:How do you decide who to marry?
 



 
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
>
>( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
>stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
>that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
>and dip coming.
>-- Alan, age 10
>
>( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
>they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
>and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
>-- Kirsten, age 10
>
>
>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
>the person FOREVER by then.
>-- Camille, age 10
>
>( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
>a fool to get married.
>-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
>
>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
>( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
>seem to be yelling at the same kids.
>-- Derrick, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
>( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
>
>-- Lori, age 8
>
>
>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
>( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
>them to get to know each other. Even boys have
>something to say if you listen long enough.
>-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
>
>( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
>lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
>go for a second date.
>-- Martin, age 10
>
>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
>SOUR?
>
>( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
>call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
>me in all the dead columns.
>-- Craig, age 9
>
>
>WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
>( 1 ) When they're rich.
>-- Pam, age 7
>
>( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
>wouldn't want to mess with that.
>-- Curt, age 7
>
>( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
>then you should marry them and have kids with them.
>It's the right thing to do.
>-- Howard, age 8
>
>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
>( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
>one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
>don't want to be all grossed out.
>-- Theodore, age 8
>
>( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
>boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
>-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
>
>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
>MARRIED?
>
>( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
>wouldn't there?
>-- Kelvin, age 8
>
>And the #1 Favorite is........
>
>HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
>( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
>she looks like a truck.
>-- Ricky, age 10

[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on Feb 16, 2005 at 09:26pm.]

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if

she looks like a truck.

LOL!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
>stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
>that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
>and dip coming.

Not a problem

2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
>they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
>and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. 
 

wow- I guess

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.

I wish I woulda met him at 23  

 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.

I guess I learned this a little too late

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 

 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. 

or trying to get away from the same kids (sorry officer) 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. 

or someone elses kids

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 

 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
>them to get to know each other. Even boys have
>something to say if you listen long enough. 

I've been listening and reading every word

 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
>lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
>go for a second date.

WOW - and our first date-he was late ;)

 
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
1 ) When they're rich. 

rich in the heart and soul 

3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.

I agree

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
>one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
>don't want to be all grossed out. 

Yikes! so just pretend they're who you really want to be with.

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

don't fall in love with anyone else

signs you drink a little 2 much.

10-You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
9-Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday.
8-Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
7-You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6-Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5-Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4-The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3-Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions.
2-Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1-You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challange.

 "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

eeeeewwwwwwwww

[Edited by on Feb 24, 2005 at 06:55am.]

LOL!!!!

Subject: FW: Five Questions most Feared by Men

Five Questions most Feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. _______________________________________________

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you." ___________________________________________

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? ____________________________________________________

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ____________________________________________________

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ____________________________________________________

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: ( makes audible groan ) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: shit

THX...you should move this thread back to "wompeters, foma, & loons"

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

new boyfriend/spouse  = new bed... PERIOD

she's left-handed  -I AM LEFT HANDED ;)

 

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!"

I will tell you right now- after the man responds with the 'correct' answer...he should be ravishingher- then he wont have to answer anymore questions.

[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on Feb 26, 2005 at 11:09am.]

I like a woman who can switch hands.

Nice one Kitch

I like a woman who can switch hands.

I just happen to be ambidextrious with a few things ;)
Does that mean YOU can go the distance?

Does that mean YOU can go the distance?

That's a little personal isn't it?  Although I was in track for many years.

Hopefully you weren't a pole vaulter.

::swoosh::

LOLOLOL

::swoosh::

TMK has left the building

Two college roommates are about to go to bed.

The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code.

His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster.

As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce,lettuce, tomato, tomato!"

The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonaise in my eye!"

...i know...i know...but I had 2....

>A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request.
>
>Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running a long and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.  She replied, "He went that way."  After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
>
>The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of testicles you've ever seen!  I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

  Women's Ass Size Study
            There is a new study out about women
            and how they feel about their asses! The results of this study are pretty interesting:

 

           1. 85% of women think their ass is too big...
           2. 10% of women think their ass is too little...
           3. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him,
               he's a good  man, and  they would have married him anyway.

[Edited by on Mar 1, 2005 at 07:34am.]

 

 

THE LOOKOUT

Mike and Becky decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his
parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt is riding a new
bike."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too."

[Edited by on Mar 4, 2005 at 12:07pm.]

This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders
three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass
until they are empty and calls the bartender for three
more. The bartender says, "hey, pal, I don't mind
bringing one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold."

"Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time.
You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub
and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia,
the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we
split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental
thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is
known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the
Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls
over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something
happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars
corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find
out what happened.

With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two
pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer
my sincerest condolences. What happened?"

The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment.
When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing.
"No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see,
I've given up drinking for Lent."

Bwaaaaah2!

Hmmm, might as well take this 700 post joe (did I mention I was close to 700 cache finds?)

What religion is your (or your wife's) Bra ?
> >
> >A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to
> >the woman behind the counter and said,
> >"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
> >
> >What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
> >
> >Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
> >
> >Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
> >shape, size, color and material imaginable.
> >
> >Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of
> >bras to choose from.
> >
> >Relieved, the man asked about the types!    The sales lady replied: There
> >are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
> >the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.  Which one would you prefer?
> >
> >Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
> >
> >The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
> >The Catholic type supports the masses.
> >The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
> >The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
> >The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
> >
> >Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
> >used to define bra cup sizes?
> >
> >If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
> >for?   It is about time you became informed!
> >
> >(A} Almost Boobs...
> >{B} Barely there.
> >{C} Can't Complain!
> >{D} Dang!
> >{DD} Double dang!
> >{E} Enormous!
> >{F} Fake.
> >{G} Get a Reduction.
> >{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
> >They forgot the German bra.  Holtzemfromfloppen!

bwaaah

That's good mmm!

Holtzemfromfloppen!

LOLOLOL!!

Important Instructions from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

_____________________________________________

(*John Cleese, for the 97.85% of you who don't know , is a British actor and comedian who originally became famous as a member of the original Monty Python group and has made many British and American movies. )

The guys a genius. Funny stuff PM

lover john cleese but i guess he's kinda old for me er somethin. funny stuff!!!

Computer Hard and Software:

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other ystem>activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to
keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
suggest installing the ackground application &;Yes Dear&; to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to
be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook
It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag
9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0
is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
5.0! WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

HAHA!  Classic

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on them without calling you
a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Don't forget that if one dog gets sick the other dog will try to kill it.  That alone should trump all the other reasons.  :P

[Edited by on Mar 9, 2005 at 05:59pm.]