A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. Sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "Why don't you please shut up?!?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"
Two neighborhood ladies were in their own backyards speaking over the fence. Tanya said to Lori, "I heard you have a new man. So do I! My man's name is Danny."
Lori replied, "Oh yeah, my man's name is Hennessey."
"Hennessey? Isn't that some kind of fancy liquor?"
A couple was going out for the evening. They got ready, put the dog out, and were ready to go. When the taxi arrived, the dog shot back in the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again either!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did, and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here -try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Jill says nothing; she takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will!!
notice these characters are NOTÂ Cinderella and her Prince Charming
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
Get that Italian accent going to read this!thanks Artemis
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.
Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' "
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.' "So, we go to club car."
"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.'
"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' "
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided to go buy a can of Coke. She went to the Coke machine and when she put her money in, a can of Coke came out -- so she kept putting money in.
Now since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy in line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"
Two border patrol agents are at the border of Texas and Mexico on a scorching summer day. The air conditioning is out in their truck, so they are trying to take refuge from the sun under the only tree in the area. All of a sudden, they see three Mexican men jumping the fence into Texas. Neither of the agents wants to leave the shade, but they agree that they have to.
They go over to the three men and try to make a deal, ensuring that they'll be able to return to the shade quickly without having to do any paperwork.
The first agent says to the men, "If you can say a sentence in English that consists of the words 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow', then we'll let you cross without any hassle. If not, then you'll all have to return to Mexico without a fuss."
The first man thinks for a few minutes, but comes up with nothing. The agents send him back.
The second man sounds out the words, but can't put them in a sentence. The agents send him back as well.
The third man thinks for a couple of minutes, and then a big smile covers his face. "Okay, okay, I have one. When the phone 'greens', I 'pink' it up and say 'yellow'."
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry, your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
One day, mom was cleaning Junior's room and she found a bondage S&M magazine in the closet. This was highly upsetting for her. When her husband got home, she showed it to him.
He looked at the magazine and handed it back to her without saying a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. Taken aback, the loan officer requested collateral, so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave the man $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. "Yes," she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. So the man picked her up at 6 a.m. the next morning, to go fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down?" being considerate, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they got dressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down?" and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed.
A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river. As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down?" "Down!" the woman replied. A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a few hours of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down?" the man asked. "Up!" the woman said.
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "Yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said f*** or drown!"
A woman and her daughter spent the day shopping together for the perfect dress for her to wear as mother-of-the bride at the daughter's wedding next month. They had wonderful luck and emerged from the day ecstatic over the purchase, having found "the perfect dress". The next weekend the daughter visited her dad and the woman he was dating (who was, of course, considerably younger than her mother). She was appalled when her father's girlfriend showed her the dress she was planning to wear to the wedding. It was identical to the one they had just bought for her mother! The daughter tells the girlfriend what has happened and asks her to return it to the store and choose something else. "I certainly will NOT", the girlfriend replied, "I look absolutely stunning in this dress...it shows off my fabulous figure and the color accentuates my suntan perfectly. No way am I taking it back!" Heartsick, the daughter broke the bad news to her mother, who responded, "No problem, honey, I'll wear something else. This will be the most special day of your life, and I want it to be absolutely perfect for you." "Mom, you're the greatest . . . so understanding and supportive. I sure hope you don't have any trouble getting a refund on the dress." "Oh, I'm not returning the dress", the mother answered. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner!"
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on Apr 2, 2005 at 05:48am.]
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataract is so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Phil and Jill have been married for many years, but they are now in divorce court. The judge asks, "Phil, is it true that during the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes, your Honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her, your Honor."
> Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder : > >> > > a) For those with no children - this is > totally > >> > > hysterical! > >> > > b) For those who already have children past > this > >> > > age, this is hilarious. > >> > > c) For those who have children this age, > this is > >> > > not funny. > >> > > d) For those who have children nearing this > age, > >> > > this is a warning. > >> > > e) For those who have not yet had children, > this is > >> > > birth control. > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > The following came from an anonymous Mother > in > >> > > Austin, Texas... > >> > > > >> > > Things I've learned from my boys (honest): > >> > > > >> > > 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water > to fill > >> > > a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 > >> > > inches deep. > >> > > > >> > > 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies > and run > >> > > over them with Roller > >> > > blades, they can ignite. > >> > > > >> > > 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than > 200 > >> > > adults in a crowded > >> > > restaurant. > >> > > > >> > > 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling > fan, the > >> > > motor is not strong > >> > > enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing > Batman > >> > > underwear and a Superman cape. It > >> > > is strong enough, however, if tied to a > paint can, > >> > > to spread paint on all > >> > > Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. > >> > > > >> > > 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when > the > >> > > ceiling fan is on. When using > >> > > a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw > the ball > >> > > up a few times before you > >> > > get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball > a long > >> > > way. > >> > > > >> > > 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) > doesn't > >> > > stop a baseball hit by a > >> > > ceiling fan. > >> > > > >> > > 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the > phrase > >> > > "uh oh", it's already too > >> > > late. > >> > > > >> > > 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes > smoke, and > >> > > lots of it. > >> > > > >> > > 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with > flint > >> > > rock even though a > >> > > 36-year old man says they can only do it in > the > >> > > movies. > >> > > > >> > > 10.) Certain Legos will pass through the > digestive > >> > > tract of a 4-year old Boy. > >> > > > >> > > 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be > used in > >> > > the same sentence. > >> > > > >> > > 12.) Super glue is forever. > >> > > > >> > > 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a > >> > > swimming pool you still can't > >> > > walk on water. > >> > > > >> > > 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. > >> > > > >> > > 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches > even > >> > > though TV commercials show > >> > > they do. > >> > > > >> > > 16.) Garbage bags do not make good > parachutes. > >> > > > >> > > 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise > when > >> > > driving. > >> > > > >> > > 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what > that odor > >> > > is. > >> > > > >> > > 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn > it on; > >> > > plastic toys do not like > >> > > ovens. > >> > > > >> > > 20.) The fire department has a 5-minute > response > >> > > time. > >> > > > >> > > 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine > does not > >> > > make earthworms dizzy. > >> > > > >> > > 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. > >> > > > >> > > 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight > when > >> > > dizzy. > >> > > > >> > > 24.) 80% of Men who read this will try > mixing the > >> > > Clorox and brake fluid. > >> > > > >> > > 25.) Women will pass this on to almost all > of their > >> > > friends,with or without > >> > > kids.
There was a family of four boys who lived behind my parents house when I was growing up. They used to launch golf balls over our house and down toward Grand Avenue. They were trying to hit the river they said. I wonder how many unsuspecting motorists had golf balls land on their cars! This is the same group who shot arrows out of their yard and one summer we had four arrows sticking up out of our roof.Â
I know someone who needs to get a dog -goodness
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. Sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "Why don't you please shut up?!?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Two neighborhood ladies were in their own backyards speaking over the fence.
Tanya said to Lori, "I heard you have a new man. So do I! My man's name is Danny."
Lori replied, "Oh yeah, my man's name is Hennessey."
"Hennessey? Isn't that some kind of fancy liquor?"
"Um hmmm," replied a smiling Lori.
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01
1. CLICK ON THE LINK
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
* ENJOY! Don't forget to click on
< APRIÂ > at the end.
Â
A couple was going out for the evening. They got ready, put the dog out, and were ready to go. When the taxi arrived, the dog shot back in the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again either!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Â
Â
Wedding Night
Jack was going to be married to Jill,
so his father sat him down for a
little fireside chat.
He says "Jack, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants and handed them to your mother,
and said, "Here - try these on." She did, and
said, "These are too big, IÂ can't wear them."
I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this familyÂ
and I always will. Ever since that night we
have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might
be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon
Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,
"Here -try these on." She does and says,
"These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Jill says nothing; she takes off her pants and hands
them to Jack and says, "Here, try on mine." So he does and says,
"I can't get into your pants." Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't
change your smartass attitude, you never will!!
notice these characters are NOTÂ Cinderella and her Prince Charming
[Edited by on Mar 13, 2005 at 03:19pm.]
HA!!
Happy St Paddy's Day to You!
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter,
dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at
this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember
20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not
coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
of my car making love?" Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied
softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten
out today."
Â
Like any of us are actually politically correct around here...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
Â
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."Â
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."Â
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."Â
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."Â
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."Â
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."Â
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLYÂ EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."Â
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."Â
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME". He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE ROUTES AND DESTINATIONS."Â
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."Â
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLYÂ FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Â
Get that Italian accent going to read this!thanks Artemis
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice
cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.
Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da
luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say,
'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' "
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga
luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by
again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a
car.' "So, we go to club car."
"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.'
"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to
bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' "
"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus."
[Edited by on Mar 19, 2005 at 12:27pm.]
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided to go buy a can of Coke. She went to the Coke machine and when she put her money in, a can of Coke came out -- so she kept putting money in.
Now since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy in line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"
And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
Â
Two border patrol agents are at the border of Texas and Mexico on a scorching summer day. The air conditioning is out in their truck, so they are trying to take refuge from the sun under the only tree in the area. All of a sudden, they see three Mexican men jumping the fence into Texas. Neither of the agents wants to leave the shade, but they agree that they have to.
They go over to the three men and try to make a deal, ensuring that they'll be able to return to the shade quickly without having to do any paperwork.
The first agent says to the men, "If you can say a sentence in English that consists of the words 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow', then we'll let you cross without any hassle. If not, then you'll all have to return to Mexico without a fuss."
The first man thinks for a few minutes, but comes up with nothing. The agents send him back.
The second man sounds out the words, but can't put them in a sentence. The agents send him back as well.
The third man thinks for a couple of minutes, and then a big smile covers his face. "Okay, okay, I have one. When the phone 'greens', I 'pink' it up and say 'yellow'."
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry, your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a leek?
A: A bunnion.
(I just don't recall any easter jokes...sorry)
One day, mom was cleaning Junior's room and she found a bondage S&M magazine in the closet. This was highly upsetting for her.
When her husband got home, she showed it to him.
He looked at the magazine and handed it back to her without saying a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
OMG I spit out my pop!!!
Â
OMG I spit out my pop!!!
better than spitting out something else ;)
spanking is considered S&M? ooohhhh DOH!
[Edited by on Mar 26, 2005 at 08:06pm.]
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
Taken aback, the loan officer requested collateral, so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave the man $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close.
One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. "Yes," she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. So the man picked her up at 6 a.m. the next morning, to go fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down?" being considerate, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they got dressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down?" and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed.
A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river. As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down?" "Down!" the woman replied. A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a few hours of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down?" the man asked. "Up!" the woman said.
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "Yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said f*** or drown!"
and she still wanted to fish with him the next day after she thought he was threatening her? ohmy
and she still wanted to fish with him the next day after she thought he was threatening her? ohmy
A guy would never have thought of that...heh
A woman and her daughter spent the day shopping together for the perfect dress for her to wear as mother-of-the bride at the daughter's wedding next month. They had wonderful luck and emerged from the day ecstatic over the purchase, having found "the perfect dress".
The next weekend the daughter visited her dad and the woman he was dating (who was, of course, considerably younger than her mother). She was appalled when her father's girlfriend showed her the dress she was planning to wear to the wedding. It was identical to the one they had just bought for her mother!
The daughter tells the girlfriend what has happened and asks her to return it to the store and choose something else. "I certainly will NOT", the girlfriend replied, "I look absolutely stunning in this dress...it shows off my fabulous figure and the color accentuates my suntan perfectly. No way am I taking it back!"
Heartsick, the daughter broke the bad news to her mother, who responded, "No problem, honey, I'll wear something else. This will be the most special day of your life, and I want it to be absolutely perfect for you."
"Mom, you're the greatest . . . so understanding and supportive. I sure hope you don't have any trouble getting a refund on the dress."
"Oh, I'm not returning the dress", the mother answered. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner!"
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on Apr 2, 2005 at 05:48am.]
hehehehe -how do people come up with these ideas?
true stories....
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataract is so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Phil and Jill have been married for many years, but they are now in divorce court.
The judge asks, "Phil, is it true that during the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?"
Phil replies, "Yes, your Honor, that is correct."
"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.
Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her, your Honor."
> Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder :
> >> > > a) For those with no children - this is
> totally
> >> > > hysterical!
> >> > > b) For those who already have children past
> this
> >> > > age, this is hilarious.
> >> > > c) For those who have children this age,
> this is
> >> > > not funny.
> >> > > d) For those who have children nearing this
> age,
> >> > > this is a warning.
> >> > > e) For those who have not yet had children,
> this is
> >> > > birth control.
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > The following came from an anonymous Mother
> in
> >> > > Austin, Texas...
> >> > >
> >> > > Things I've learned from my boys (honest):
> >> > >
> >> > > 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water
> to fill
> >> > > a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
> >> > > inches deep.
> >> > >
> >> > > 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies
> and run
> >> > > over them with Roller
> >> > > blades, they can ignite.
> >> > >
> >> > > 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than
> 200
> >> > > adults in a crowded
> >> > > restaurant.
> >> > >
> >> > > 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling
> fan, the
> >> > > motor is not strong
> >> > > enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing
> Batman
> >> > > underwear and a Superman cape. It
> >> > > is strong enough, however, if tied to a
> paint can,
> >> > > to spread paint on all
> >> > > Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
> >> > >
> >> > > 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when
> the
> >> > > ceiling fan is on. When using
> >> > > a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
> the ball
> >> > > up a few times before you
> >> > > get a hit. AÂ ceiling fan can hit a baseball
> a long
> >> > > way.
> >> > >
> >> > > 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane)
> doesn't
> >> > > stop a baseball hit by a
> >> > > ceiling fan.
> >> > >
> >> > > 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the
> phrase
> >> > > "uh oh", it's already too
> >> > > late.
> >> > >
> >> > > 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes
> smoke, and
> >> > > lots of it.
> >> > >
> >> > > 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with
> flint
> >> > > rock even though a
> >> > > 36-year old man says they can only do it in
> the
> >> > > movies.
> >> > >
> >> > > 10.) Certain Legos will pass through the
> digestive
> >> > > tract of a 4-year old Boy.
> >> > >
> >> > > 11.)Â Play dough and microwave should not be
> used in
> >> > > the same sentence.
> >> > >
> >> > > 12.)Â Super glue is forever.
> >> > >
> >> > > 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
> >> > > swimming pool you still can't
> >> > > walk on water.
> >> > >
> >> > > 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
> >> > >
> >> > > 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches
> even
> >> > > though TV commercials show
> >> > > they do.
> >> > >
> >> > > 16.) Garbage bags do not make good
> parachutes.
> >> > >
> >> > > 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise
> when
> >> > > driving.
> >> > >
> >> > > 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what
> that odor
> >> > >Â is.
> >> > >
> >> > > 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn
> it on;
> >> > > plastic toys do not like
> >> > > ovens.
> >> > >
> >> > > 20.) The fire department has a 5-minute
> response
> >> > > time.
> >> > >
> >> > > 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine
> does not
> >> > > make earthworms dizzy.
> >> > >
> >> > > 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
> >> > >
> >> > > 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight
> when
> >> > > dizzy.
> >> > >
> >> > > 24.) 80% of Men who read this will try
> mixing the
> >> > > Clorox and brake fluid.
> >> > >
> >> > > 25.) Women will pass this on to almost all
> of their
> >> > > friends,with or without
> >> > > kids.
Â
bwwwaaah!!! omg ..I already had it cut and ready to paste that I wanted to see if this is true!!!
now that's funny!!!
plus I wonder what marbles sounds like...I can't believe that the gas wouldn't baffle the sound as rolling thru a liquid would be slow.
http://fringe.davesource.com/Fringe/Explosives/Simple_Smoke_Bomb
I can't look at work...
it just says brake fluid and clorox, nothing else.
weird...
I must have been lucky, raised three boys and only experienced
"When you hear the toilet flush and the phrase
"uh oh", it's already too late."
Lots of times!!
I would like to add:
Using the back yard as a driving range is not a good idea when there is an apartment building behind your fence with twelve windows facing your yard.
True story.
Did u know that shingles off a roof make really good frisbes...
There was a family of four boys who lived behind my parents house when I was growing up. They used to launch golf balls over our house and down toward Grand Avenue. They were trying to hit the river they said. I wonder how many unsuspecting motorists had golf balls land on their cars! This is the same group who shot arrows out of their yard and one summer we had four arrows sticking up out of our roof.Â
[Edited by on Apr 4, 2005 at 02:05pm.]
You should ask OTiS what happens when you throw a road flare in a pool:)
You can ask me what a glow stick does when you microwave it.
And floor tiles work just as good as shingles when used as a frisbee. Just be sure to use them outside and away from chandeliers.
[Edited 3 times. Most recently by on Apr 4, 2005 at 03:32pm.]
oohhh a glowstick in the microwave...havent heard of that before!!
Â
I prefer Peeps in the microwave :)
I did know that glowsticks stuck in hot water get brighter.
peeps in the microwave is a fun thing....boys loved it!!
Peep Jousting!!! wooohooo!!!!
you stick a toothpick in 2 peeps......line them up facing each other in a microwave.....bet on which one Kills the other with the toothpick....
brb
dang, why did ya haveta say all that cool stuff about peeps now? I suppose the stores are all sold out till next easter...
I wonder if you can put a marshmellow in and it would do the same thing...
probably, but the peeps would make it more interesting.