A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and the following exchange occurs: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!? Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It is valid.
Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Gun? What gun? There's no gun in there.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there. Driver: I said what???
And of course, there is no body in the trunk.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, rum an coke, or a dish of Breyer's ice cream, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case, and I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
A bunch of doctors are gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices too, and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. "Sure," the woman says. "Let me go wash my hands first."
After she washes her hands, they have sex. Once they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This really starts to annoy the male doctor, so he says, "You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands."
Angry at this remark, the woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!"
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall.
He said to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure, why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in, so he asked his father where the Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he bought a new rooster from the local rooster emporium and turned him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster saw the young one strutting around and he was a little worried about being replaced. He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win, easy!"
So the two roosters went over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race began and all the hens started cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped a little -- but he was still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap, he was just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer heard the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shotgun and ran into the barnyard, figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Here's what I'll be doing in a few hours. Wish me luck. haha
Tonight's South Park was a riot! It started with Cartman eating all the skin from the entire bucket of KFC that was brought home for the gang. It even included Butters getting 'tested'.  I don't care who ya are, now that's funny.
[Edited 4 times. Most recently by on Apr 13, 2005 at 08:54pm.]
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?"
His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 17. It's a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around. 11. He had to stretch to get it in. 10. He gets penetration in the backfield. 9. He blows them off (at the line). 8. He bangs it in. 7. He could go all the way. 6. He gets it off just in time. 5. He goes deep. 4. He found a hole and slid through it. 3. He pounds it in. 2. He beats them off (the line) 1. He's got great hands.
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
Your dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.
You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.
You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.
Your dog has its own webpage.
You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.
You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.
Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"
The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.
You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.
Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You start using smileys in your snail mail
You bring a bag lunch to the computer.
You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You type faster than you think.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 WPM.
You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.
You go into withdrawals during dinner.
You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.
You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.
You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.
The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.
You have more browsers than friends in the real world.
You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.
You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.
You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
You're on the phone and say BRB.
The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.
An older white-haired man walked into a jeweler store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.
" I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued  by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly  unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her  marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, Â you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
hahahaha that is horrible! If he sees her as ugly when he has been drinking than chances are she is uglier when he wasn't drinking!
and if she was buying romaine lettuce than I highly doubt she was buying a CANof coffee- --more like coffee beans or ground Millstone or Starbucks. ;) I should know
A Cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm. "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas.
So the dentist stepped out and comes back with a glas of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks. "What is it?"
The doc replies "Viagra."
The man looks surprised.
"Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL! FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
Guts vs. Bravery  Who's got the guts or the balls? Guts -is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"  Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!!!"
A new hooker had just finished her first trick and when she came down the street, the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.
She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular, handsome sailor."
"Well, what did he want you to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him missionary-style sex would be $100, but he didn't have that much. Then I told him oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I asked him how much money he had."
The sailor said, "I have $25."
So the hooker said, "Well, for $25, all I can do is service you by hand."
The hooker went on the explain that, "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God," they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge, then what did you do?"
A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap. All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."
One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.
...true story??
[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on May 3, 2005 at 02:45pm.]
A man was having premature ejaculation problems, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
The doctor replied, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter's pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out, he ran home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovered his wife in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two began, they found themselves in the "69" position. The man, moments later, felt the building urge to climax. So in order to startle himself, he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
"Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit three inches off my penis and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
A man and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.
"Not tonight, dear," she says. "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow." So the husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.
"Honey, stop," she says. "I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning."
"I know," he answers. "But you don't have to go to the dentist, do you?"
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa. "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their Creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."Â
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.Â
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"Â
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I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!Â
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A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're doggone right it is!" replied the old man. That's why I want it lowered!"Â
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An elderly woman from Bexley decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart "Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
One day at school, the science teacher decided that she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom just got two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves)
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF.......
Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. ....
You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside.”.....
You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g. boiled peanuts). ....
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits. ...
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. To commemorate his profession, a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside the heart, then it closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At this point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist.
Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
Â
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
we used to roll bowling balls down E 7th St hill when we were kids. From about hazelwood St heading west towards Johnson Pkwy.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and the following exchange occurs:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It is valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun? There's no gun in there.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: I said what???
And of course, there is no body in the trunk.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
we used 33 1/2Â records and 45s as frisbees out the 3rd story window of my apartment 15 years ago.
wow, it doesnt seem that long ago.
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under
no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on
it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a
cold beer, rum an coke, or a dish of Breyer's ice cream, it should be
presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is
reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to
pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special
law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the
health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a
permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case, and I
don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for
their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics
with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my
behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his
or her existence a living hell.
HA!!
A bunch of doctors are gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices too, and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. "Sure," the woman says. "Let me go wash my hands first."
After she washes her hands, they have sex. Once they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This really starts to annoy the male doctor, so he says, "You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands."
Angry at this remark, the woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!"
That was a good one Kitch:)
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing.
As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall.
He said to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure, why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in, so he asked his father where the Volkswagen was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."
hahahahaha - That chemical is in pill form, known on the market today as Viagra- perfect!
[Edited by on Apr 11, 2005 at 08:50am.]
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he bought a new rooster from the local rooster emporium and turned him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster saw the young one strutting around and he was a little worried about being replaced.
He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win, easy!"
So the two roosters went over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race began and all the hens started cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped a little -- but he was still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap, he was just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer heard the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shotgun and ran into the barnyard, figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Here's what I'll be doing in a few hours. Wish me luck. haha
Tonight's South Park was a riot! It started with Cartman eating all the skin from the entire bucket of KFC that was brought home for the gang. It even included Butters getting 'tested'.  I don't care who ya are, now that's funny.
[Edited 4 times. Most recently by on Apr 13, 2005 at 08:54pm.]
glad to see your keeping your sense of humor CM.
http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/JackSchitt/Jack_Schit.htm
yikes
jackpot joe!
I love it 3M!
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?"
His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."
OMG!
[Edited by on Apr 16, 2005 at 06:46am.]
20 Football Terms that sound dirty but aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
You don't know Jack Schitt
http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
Your dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.
You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.
You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.
Your dog has its own webpage.
You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.
You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.
Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"
The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.
You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.
Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You start using smileys in your snail mail
You bring a bag lunch to the computer.
You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You type faster than you think.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 WPM.
You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.
You go into withdrawals during dinner.
You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.
You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.
You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.
The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.
You have more browsers than friends in the real world.
You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.
You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.
You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
You're on the phone and say BRB.
The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.
An older white-haired man walked into a jeweler store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,"
the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take
it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated by check.
" I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's
no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you
imagine the weekend I had?"
Little three-year old Johnny was in the bath examining his testicles.
"Mommy," he said. "Are these my brains?"
Replied Mommy; "Not yet, dear."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in
front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single".
 The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
 by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
 unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
 marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
 you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
hahahaha that is horrible! If he sees her as ugly when he has been drinking than chances are she is uglier when he wasn't drinking!
and if she was buying romaine lettuce than I highly doubt she was buying a CANof coffee- --more like coffee beans or ground Millstone or Starbucks. ;) I should know
My wife buys romaine and canned coffee. Sometimes at the same time!
A Cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines
him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot
of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's
arm. "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of
days. I'm not having gas.
So the dentist stepped out and comes back with a glas of water. "Here,"
he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks. "What is it?"
The doc replies "Viagra."
The man looks surprised.
"Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to
while I pull your tooth!"
A girl brought her fiancé home for dinner. After dinner, the fiancé and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiancé.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiancé.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."
I like both of those Kitch! especially the last one.
My wife buys romaine and canned coffee. Sometimes at the same time!
There MUST be a test with this type of question on it to tell you what type of person you are.
Â
Â
Â
Â
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00
between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next
door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double
shots of Jack Daniels.
Scott said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know
how much trouble we will be in? We haven't
got any money to pay for
this!"
Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan.
Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
on your knees
and put it in
your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk! , and threw
them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do
this anymore.
My mouth
is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
[Edited 4 times. Most recently by on Apr 24, 2005 at 07:18pm.]
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. They have breasts.
hahahahaha-
THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided
the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just
wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step
up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just
by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL! FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes
back to bite you!
Guts vs. Bravery
Â
Who's got the guts or the balls?Â
Guts -is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"Â
Â
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!!!"
A new hooker had just finished her first trick and when she came down the street, the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.
She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular, handsome sailor."
"Well, what did he want you to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him missionary-style sex would be $100, but he didn't have that much. Then I told him oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I asked him how much money he had."
The sailor said, "I have $25."
So the hooker said, "Well, for $25, all I can do is service you by hand."
The hooker went on the explain that, "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God," they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she exclaimed.
thank god I don't write them...
to me that is normal size
ya......I was thinking the finger tip to palm as well....
I have no idea what you're talking about but I was thinking more along the lines of fist to shoulder myself
A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.
All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."
One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.
...true story??
[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on May 3, 2005 at 02:45pm.]
HAHAHAHA that is fuuny
I had to make up for my prior one..
A man was having premature ejaculation problems, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
The doctor replied, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter's pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out, he ran home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovered his wife in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two began, they found themselves in the "69" position. The man, moments later, felt the building urge to climax. So in order to startle himself, he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
"Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit three inches off my penis and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
yikes!
A man and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.
"Not tonight, dear," she says. "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow." So the husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.
"Honey, stop," she says. "I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning."
"I know," he answers. "But you don't have to go to the dentist, do you?"
Â
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa. "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their Creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
THE WOMEN WON.
Thoughts About AgingÂ
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--------------------------------------------Â
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."Â
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.Â
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"Â
----------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!Â
----------------------------------------------
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're doggone right it is!" replied the old man. That's why I want it lowered!"Â
---------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Bexley decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart
"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
One day at school, the science teacher decided that she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom just got two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves)
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF.......
Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. ....
You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside.”.....
You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g. boiled peanuts). ....
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits. ...
You don't know what a moon pie is. ....
You've never had an RC Cola.....
You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled. ....
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.....
You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips....
You have no idea what a polecat is. ....
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog. ...
You don't have bangs. ....
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. ....
You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"-instead of "Cokes." ....
You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich. ...
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show....
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. ....
You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. ...
The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. ....
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores....
You have more than one professional sports team in your home state....
You call binoculars opera glasses.....
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. ....
You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)....
You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie) ....
You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's. ...
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. ....
None of your fur coats are homemade......
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. To commemorate his profession, a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside the heart, then it closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At this point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist.
This is when the proctologist fainted.
Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
ÂThe pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."