>> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a >> little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that >> we >> CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... >> >> A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One >> day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the >> empty lot >> >> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest >> in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day >> observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them >> gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project >> mascot. >> >> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had >> coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there >> to make her feel important. >> >> At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay >> envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home >> to >> her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and >> suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the >> bank the next day to start a savings account. >> >> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and >> asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at >> such a young age. >> >> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew >> building the house next door to us." >> >> "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on >> the >> house again this week, too?" >> >> The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever >> deliver the fuckin sheet rock..." >> >>Â Kind of brings a tear to the eye...
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, the Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I was young and full of beauty again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful face returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years, and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to run through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again, "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over at Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish for you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup, that when he stood before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leaned close to her ear and whispered with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 8 just outside of Lindstrom one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching
drivers. Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in history of the highway.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.
"Okay, so what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And Lena replied, "Vell, officer....... dose are my emergency flashers!"
This could happen to you: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person said, "So, what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At this point, I was thinking this was too bizarre, so I said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could, when I heard another question. "Can I come over?"
Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the madam, drops $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a Devon sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
or just take a ladys way and a mans way and put them in the shower at the same time....hmmmm....with that soap ;) ........That'll help "Keep it semi clean"in here!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Poor Billy-Bob.  One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing  on except his boots.   The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking  around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we  did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and  things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her  clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes  except my boots. Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay  Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blond chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
thanks CM...but you gotta post them here when this funny.
Paula I, "*~* You Don't Say! *~* Rants & Raves" #5, 19 Jun 2005 8:27 pm
After extensive testing, the following drugs have been released for sale to the general public (women). Some will be quite helpful in the reduction of stress.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA'SWORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTITALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
yeah pretty stupid. You know, she coulda raised the money just from people feeling sorry for her and her son's plight and saved herself from getting a tattoo...
I know where I would place my tatoo and its not there!!
I wouldn't go to that casino just out of spite for them only giving her $10 grand. A billboard on highway 52 for 3 months cost $10 grand. They cheated her even if that was the amount she was asking for. She may not have truly known better. I think its tasteless of the company. She should get royalties for life on top of the 10 grand.
Anyway - Nope - I've made that mistake many times Kitch. I never cease to amaze myself on how much I think I'm gonna drink on a Saturday night only to find out that I've beat even my own expectations.
Plus it's a cool excuse to go hang out at the beach and have a few on the way back from Prescott. :cool:
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says,
"Sir, did you call for me?" Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
"Listen lady, I am 40 years old. I get a hard-on once a month---but I fart 15 times a day!"
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Micky's. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your butt.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile, Moorhead, Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Up here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your butt.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time (Jesse Ventura) but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt back to Arkansas.
6) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we'll kick your butt.
7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your butt.
:ooh: Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 below zero then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you hog the heater in the fish house we'll kick your butt.
11) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes, we actually have around 22,000, so if you whine we'll kick your butt all the way back to Cleveland.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the north woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your butt.
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the Vikings and the Twins suck (only Minnesotans and true fans can knock'em down). If you do, this will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your butt.
>> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
>> little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
>> we
>> CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
>>
>> A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One
>> day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
>> empty lot
>>
>> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
>> in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day
>> observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
>> gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project
>> mascot.
>>
>> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
>> coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
>> to make her feel important.
>>
>> At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
>> envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home
>> to
>> her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
>> suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the
>> bank the next day to start a savings account.
>>
>> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
>> asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at
>> such a young age.
>>
>> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
>> building the house next door to us."
>>
>> "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
>> the
>> house again this week, too?"
>>
>> The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
>> deliver the fuckin sheet rock..."
>>
>>Â Kind of brings a tear to the eye...
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, the Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I was young and full of beauty again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful face returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years, and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to run through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again, "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over at Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish for you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup, that when he stood before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leaned close to her ear and whispered with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
heh
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
In honor of tonight's release of the last Star Wars movie
Redneck Jedi
You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".
* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".
* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
* When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.
* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"
* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"
Â
infinity samich Joe
[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on May 17, 2005 at 09:52pm.]
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
Heh.
Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 8 just outside of Lindstrom one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching
drivers. Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in history of the highway.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.
"Okay, so what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And Lena replied,
"Vell, officer....... dose are my emergency flashers!"
Haha... damn.. good stuff in here.. gotta read it more often...
Â
A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her.
 "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.
"Well, every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."
[Edited 2 times. Most recently by on Jun 1, 2005 at 11:43am.]
This could happen to you: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person said, "So, what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At this point, I was thinking this was too bizarre, so I said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could, when I heard another question. "Can I come over?"
Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
[Edited by on Jun 1, 2005 at 11:58am.]
lol cell phones....
BTW I believe they just sank to a new low if people are usin em in the bathroom....
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne.
He walks straight up to the madam, drops $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a Devon sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
that is actually a cool joke Kitch. I really like it
Â
Â
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A LADY
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
It you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental n o te to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, long loofah, wide loofah
and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower .
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Â
Â
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror .
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee .
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
"woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I love that...woo woo:):)
How to really shower!!!
http://www2.pulsetv.com/st/prodinfogoogle.asp?number=2109
or just take a ladys way and a mans way and put them in the shower at the same time....hmmmm....with that soap ;) ........That'll help "Keep it semi clean"in here!
[Edited by on Jun 3, 2005 at 09:27pm.]
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Poor Billy-Bob.  One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing
 on except his boots.   The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking
 around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we  did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and  things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her  clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes
 except my boots. Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay  Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
:-)
Man I need my sock cooked. :wink:
would scare the heck outta me...
I'd jump back and make a big mess....
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blond chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
thanks CM...but you gotta post them here when this funny.
Paula I, "*~* You Don't Say! *~* Rants & Raves" #5, 19 Jun 2005 8:27 pm
After extensive testing, the following drugs have been released for sale to the general public (women). Some will be quite helpful in the reduction of stress.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA'SWORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTITALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
http://meanderings.typepad.com/meanderings/2005/06/new_drugs_for_w.html
I remember the auction on ebay...but geez...
I know where I would place my tatoo and its not there!!
I wouldn't go to that casino just out of spite for them only giving her $10 grand. A billboard on highway 52 for 3 months cost $10 grand. They cheated her even if that was the amount she was asking for. She may not have truly known better. I think its tasteless of the company. She should get royalties for life on top of the 10 grand.
AT WORK - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
   IN PRISON - you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK - you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for
it.
   IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK - you get more work for good behavior.
   IN PRISON - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK - you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
yourself.
   IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
   IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.
AT WORK - you have to share with some idiots who pee on the seat.
   IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK - you can't even speak to your family.
   IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
   IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
   IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens and guards.
AT WORK - they are called managers.
No Wonder the Prison's are full !!!!
1. The weather is usually 80% of your conversation.
2. When you say "down south" you're referring to Iowa.
3. You call highways "freeways."
4. Snow tires came standard on your car.
5. You've never taken public transportation.
6. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.
7. "Perkins" was the only hangout option in high school.
8. You assume when you say "The Cities" people know where you're talking about.
9. You can list all the "-dales."
10. People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s in them.
11. In a conversation you've heard someone say "yah sure, you betcha" and you didn't laugh.
12. You hate the movie "Fargo" but realize you and your entire family have that same accent.
13. You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.
14. You know what Mille Lacs is and how to spell it.
15. You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly.
16. You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.
17. Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a MN car.
18. The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks.
19. You're a loyal Target shopper.
20. You've frozen your tongue on a metal handrail before.
21. You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4 wheel drive vehicle.
22. You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees outside in March, but you bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.
23. You have gone trick-or-treating in 3 feet of snow.
24. You've not only walked across a lake, you've driven across one.
25. Everyone you know has a cabin or, at least, access to one.
26. You know that Lake Wobegon isn't real and you know who made it up, where they live, and exactly what you want to do about it.
27. You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.
28. You consider a six inch snowfall a blessing for "the cities" because it provides instant urban renewal.
29. You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it ain't worth taking them off for only two months.
30. Your local Dairy Queen is closed from December through February.
31. You believe the only REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.
32. You consider snow banks to be "just another rough" on the golf course.
33. You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
34. You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday. Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival."
35. The temperature in March is above freezing for three days in a row, and you think it's summer.
36. You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire East Coast.
37. You think happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore."
38. You never meet any celebrities except The "BODY"
39. You know what and where "Dinkytown" is.
40. When you talk about "opener" you are not talking about cans.
41. You have refused to buy something because it's too "spendy."
42. You believe that the Vikings would have won four Super Bowls by now if they were still playing in Metropolitan Stadium.
43. You are convinced the Twins will never win the pennant because the owners are too cheap to pay the good players, so they all leave.
44. Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
45. You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.
46. Your gas station thinks "full service" means filling your gas tank, washing the windshield, checking the oil and being friendly to the customers.
47. You (or your parents) voted for Mondale.
48. You've seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in Uptown.
49. You know that everyone has a city preference -- Minneapolis or St. Paul.
50. You can honestly claim Germanic / Scandinavian ancestors, and have been known to say "ya" instead of "yes"
55. Upon seeing an ocean for the first time, you say, "Hey! That looks like Lake Superior!"
56. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Minnesota.
Those are great- about 98% are true -I always spell Mil(le) Lacs incorrectly :frown:
I hate it when the DQ is closed in December!
18. The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks. .... and to watch the Vikings kick some Packer ass!!!
48. You've seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in Uptown. ~~~YUP!
(Brad):
Hey Janet
(Janet):
Yes Brad
(Brad):
Ive got something to say
(Janet):
Yes
(Brad):
I really love the skilful way
You beat the other girls to the brides bouquet
The river was deep but I swam it -Janet
The future is ours so lets plan it -Janet
So please dont tell me to can it -Janet
I've one thing to say and that's...
Damn it - Janet - I love you
The road was long but I ran it -Janet
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it -Janet
If theres one fool for you then I am it -Janet
I've got one thing to say and that's...
Damn it - Janet - I love you
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no Joker
There's three way's that love can grow
That's good - bad - or mediocre
Oh Janet - I love you so
(Janet):
Oh it's nicer than Betty Monroe had -Oh Brad
Now were engaged and I'm so glad -Oh Brad
That you've met mom and you know dad -Oh Brad
I've one thing to say and thats...
Brad - I'm mad - for you too
Oh Brad
(Brad):
Oh damn it
(Janet):
I'm mad
(Brad):
Oh Janet
(Janet):
For you
(Brad):
I love you too
Theres one thing left to do and that's...
Go see the man that began it -Janet
When we met in his science exam it -Janet
Made we give you the eye and then panic -Janet
Now I've one thing to say and that's...
Damn it - Janet - I love you
Damn it Janet
(Janet):
Oh Brad I'm mad
(Brad):
Damn it Janet
(Brad & Janet):
I love you
Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos
damn straight!
rookies...I bet "clue master" has only made this mistake 1.
Anyway - Nope - I've made that mistake many times Kitch. I never cease to amaze myself on how much I think I'm gonna drink on a Saturday night only to find out that I've beat even my own expectations.
Plus it's a cool excuse to go hang out at the beach and have a few on the way back from Prescott. :cool:
metoo?
That wouldn't happen to be a nude beach? :sheepish:
a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach,
he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs
bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber
the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in
the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many
of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His
mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber
the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns
to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned
again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking
to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says,
"Sir, did you call for me?" Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
"Listen lady, I am 40 years old. I get a hard-on once a month---but I fart 15 times a day!"
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Micky's. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your butt.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns: Fertile, Moorhead, Climax, Cummings, Gentilly, or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Up here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your butt.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time (Jesse Ventura) but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt back to Arkansas.
6) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we'll kick your butt.
7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your butt.
:ooh: Don't try to fake a Minnesota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" as that will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Northwest Airlines is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 below zero then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, if you hog the heater in the fish house we'll kick your butt.
11) Don't complain that Minnesota doesn't really have 10,000 lakes, we actually have around 22,000, so if you whine we'll kick your butt all the way back to Cleveland.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the north woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your butt.
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the Vikings and the Twins suck (only Minnesotans and true fans can knock'em down). If you do, this will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your butt.