A panda walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he's done, he shoots everyone except the bartender. "What was that for?" said the bartender. "It's bad for business!" "Look me in the encyclopedia," said the panda and leaves. So the bartender pulls out an encyclopedia "panda, eats: shoots and leaves."
A father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and see lots of animals. Eventually, they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it, and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That, son, is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
After a short, awkward silence, she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not satisfied with his mother's answer, asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No, at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask, son?"
"Well, mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
The father replies, "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus … so shut the hell up.”
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
 I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again??
 Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!
An executive had to get rid of one of his staff and narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. They were both equally qualified and did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning which ever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, “Debra, I’ve never done this before; but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Debra replied, “Could you jack off? I feel like shit.”
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. Talk turns to their adventures at sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. The seaman asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies: “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?” “Well…” replies the pirate: “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!” remarks the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?” “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replies the pirate. “You lost your eye to seagull dropping?” the sailor asks incredulously. “Well…” says the pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
Fine This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
So he could learn to make a van go.
just 'cuz me2 will look it up http://www.britannica.com/ebc/article-9374472?query=panda&ct=
"panda, drinks: shoots and leaves" right?
are you making this joke up yourself? nice try :confused:
That joke just doesn't make sense the way it is.
I had it first!
I was home sick yesterday, so I wasn't really online.
Therefore Ares must not have noticed.
I'll change mine.
I tire of my taglines quickly.
Therefore Ares must not have noticed.
yup. i didn't notice until after it was done. when i did i didn't really care :smile:
you guys so smart...and no I didn't write it...
her class that she is a Green Bay Packers Fan. She asked her students to
raise their hands if they are Packers fans too.
Not really knowing what a Packer fan is, but wanting to be liked by
their teacher, their hands all fly into the air.
However, there is one exception. A little boy named Timmy has not gone
along with the crowd.
The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a Packer fan." says Timmy.
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
Timmy says "I am a proud Vikings fan!"
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Timmy why he is a Vikings fan.
"Well, my Mom and Dad are Vikings fans so I'm a Vikings fan, too," Timmy
responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if
your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot?
Timmy smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Packers Fan."
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2) Click on “Language Tools”
3) Type “Britney’s mom is very nice” in the Translate Text box.
4) Select “English to Spanish” in the combo below.
5) Press Translate and wait for the translation.
6) Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the Translate text box below.
7) Select “Spanish to English” in the combo below.
kinda funny when you use "scribe"...
Too many steps...I may never know.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, they run, or they don't fit right in the crotch!
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That, son, is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
After a short, awkward silence, she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not satisfied with his mother's answer, asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No, at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask, son?"
"Well, mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
The father replies, "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus … so shut the hell up.”
and also, if he would have put a rubber on the end of his 'stick' than he would have enough money for a car instead of riding the bus!! DOH!
President Bush: Personally, I donÂ’t care how those poor people get out of New Orleans.
:pbpt:
And funny :smile:
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
 I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again??
 Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said, “Debra, I’ve never done this before; but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Debra replied, “Could you jack off? I feel like shit.”
The pirate replies: “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?” “Well…” replies the pirate: “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!” remarks the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?” “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replies the pirate. “You lost your eye to seagull dropping?” the sailor asks incredulously. “Well…” says the pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
since today is talk like a pirate day...
Fine This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.