Chuck Norris doesn't wait in line for the paper, the papers wait in line for him.
Chuck Norris is the one who moved the medallion at Phalen.
Since the beginning of time, Chuck Norris has found every medallion, since the early 1950's he's given up the practice to spend more time roundhouse kicking blocks of ice into sculptures.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off thefurniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off thefurniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
sometimes i think we could use a sign like that on our front door :smile:
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right, and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5- INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you, Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless!
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, & and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME!
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!! And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The Pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
There are hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes....
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." ==========================================
The following is a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder, as a gesture of friendship, and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?' The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it. '"
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
------------
At a cocktail party, one man said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman."
------------
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"
-------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--------------
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
------------
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
--------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
---------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
---------------
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
-----------------
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death!
----------------
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?
The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife" "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
as well as a local realtor was sending me junk constantly - close to everyother day.
Plus he had adds in all the coupon packs etc.
I kept it all up for a month - and on a sunday morning -went and dropped it all into his mail slot all over the floor of his office - with a little sticky note that said - I used to use your mail to line my guinea pig cage, but now they are dead. I don't this anymore.
I'm not on his list now,, although I still see his smiling add in the coupon envelope.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke,when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
Chuck Norris is the one who moved the medallion at Phalen.
Since the beginning of time, Chuck Norris has found every medallion, since the early 1950's he's given up the practice to spend more time roundhouse kicking blocks of ice into sculptures.
Ha!Ha!
Last night, my blond friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt,
Grabbed the eighty bucks,
and left!!!!
look like they have mexican jumping beans in their pants
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE LEARNING
CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Monday, Jan. 16, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at
2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
:pbpt:
as well as the unannounced class 15: when no one is in the room, turn the lights off.
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was
hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
YOU'RE FROM RURAL MINNESOTA (or Wisconsin) IF................
The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.
You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
FFA was the most popular club in high school.
You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception.
You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
You can recognize someone from Iowa by their driving.
You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.
You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair
You know that "combine" is a noun.
You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
You know that creek rhymes with pick.
Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.
A Friday night date is taking you girlfriend shining for deer. Saturday you go the the local bowling ally.
There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning...phew!
You have driven your car on a lake.
You can make sense out of the word "upnort" and "batree."
You always believed that vacation meant "going up North."
At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey pokey & the chicken dance.
Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
The local gas station sells live bait.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know exactly what she means.
You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
Pop is not only what you call your dad, but is the ONLY name for soda.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your
Minnesota (and Wisconsin)friends.
:smile: :cool: :goofy: :pbpt: :sillygrin:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off thefurniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
LMAO @ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off thefurniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
sometimes i think we could use a sign like that on our front door :smile:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and! see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these
kinds of contests.
Stage 1 - FEELING CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right, and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5- INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"
Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless!
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess you had to have been there one time or another...
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and
a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once. Hmn.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For
the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you
take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your
teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has
lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You
don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in
your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your
butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, & and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME!
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!! And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The Pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Beer
If Big Breasted Women Work At Hooters,
Where Do One Legged Women Work?
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder, as a gesture of friendship, and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?' The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it. '"
~God Bless America~
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
------------
At a cocktail party, one man said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman."
------------
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"
-------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--------------
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
------------
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
--------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
---------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
---------------
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
-----------------
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death!
----------------
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell
up."
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?
The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife" "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue."
working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story
of a Crestview couple who drove their car to
Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the
parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with
the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a
pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public
ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing
idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in
his forehead.
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone,
you
know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently
completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real"
sales
person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is
to
immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as
quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and
it
kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have
your
name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return
these
"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk
mail
away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away
the
return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they
receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50
cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In
that
case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in
these
cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a
pizza
coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just
send
them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything
you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep
them
guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently
getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to
OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk
mail,
and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
as well as a local realtor was sending me junk constantly - close to everyother day.
Plus he had adds in all the coupon packs etc.
I kept it all up for a month - and on a sunday morning -went and dropped it all into his mail slot all over the floor of his office - with a little sticky note that said - I used to use your mail to line my guinea pig cage, but now they are dead. I don't this anymore.
I'm not on his list now,, although I still see his smiling add in the coupon envelope.
smoke,when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.