Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
I hope you can ignore that pesky Congress and Senate ( jeesh, sometimes youÂ’d almost think Democrats were the House majority instead of Republicans!) long enough to sell off our national parks, public forests, mineral rights, chemical companies, petrochemical deposits, nuclear power plants and all of our electrical infrastructure including the Hoover Dam and everything else of value our nation holds sacred to help pay down that federal debt which as of February 17th was $8,248,495,902,663.05
You should also auction off The Liberty Bell and especially The Statue of Liberty. That thing's FRENCH anyway. If you keep on making money to offset that big deficit and pay for the War on Terror this way, then no way can the Congress or Senate fail to make your tax cuts for big business and the wealthiest 5% of Americans permanent. No one will be upset with your giving the Oil companies back all those billions in royalties, either. ( see, heh heh heh, I plan to be in that 5% someday, soon as I pay off all these darn student loans!)
P.S. The Wall Street Journal and the Carlyle Group says this deal should go through and that's all I need to know. I trust your heart, Mr. President. After all, God speaks to you.
Sincerely,
Knuckledrag, TX
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
The major difference between the 2 is that before the ports were managed by a privately owned British company whereas the UAE company is actually owned by the UAE gov't itself. But I agree with you they shouldn't be managed by ANY foreign entities. Outsourcing at it's worse. (I know wrong thread)
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long underwear and dressed quietly.
I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.
Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I went back into the house and turned on the TV to the weather channel. It's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies . . .
.
.
.
.
"Can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in this?"
I'm watching this right now and I'm dying laughing. :sillygrin: :sillygrin: :sillygrin: :sillygrin:
It's the first movie I've seen rated U and is protected by the 1st Amendment. It's the most vulgar thing I've ever heard. I love it!
It's even worse that the South Park movie or that scene in Team America.
Don't rent it if your squeamish. It's just a bunch of comedians filling in the middle of a common joke. But it's pretty tough at times. It's friggen hilarious to say the least!
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act just like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldnÂ’t decide which one to take so I told her weÂ’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all, dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?”
I then said, “Honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womanÂ’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldnÂ’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womanÂ’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Woo F'ong Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, down on your hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, ! "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "JUST ONE?? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing."
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
vino's
ian's email
cm's page
heh
RE: Sale of our Ports to Arab Sheik owned company
Dear President Bush,
This is outstanding news!
I hope you can ignore that pesky Congress and Senate ( jeesh, sometimes youÂ’d almost think Democrats were the House majority instead of Republicans!) long enough to sell off our national parks, public forests, mineral rights, chemical companies, petrochemical deposits, nuclear power plants and all of our electrical infrastructure including the Hoover Dam and everything else of value our nation holds sacred to help pay down that federal debt which as of February 17th was $8,248,495,902,663.05
You should also auction off The Liberty Bell and especially The Statue of Liberty. That thing's FRENCH anyway. If you keep on making money to offset that big deficit and pay for the War on Terror this way, then no way can the Congress or Senate fail to make your tax cuts for big business and the wealthiest 5% of Americans permanent. No one will be upset with your giving the Oil companies back all those billions in royalties, either. ( see, heh heh heh, I plan to be in that 5% someday, soon as I pay off all these darn student loans!)
P.S. The Wall Street Journal and the Carlyle Group says this deal should go through and that's all I need to know. I trust your heart, Mr. President. After all, God speaks to you.
Sincerely,
Knuckledrag, TX
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
- Theodore Roosevelt
Fuck Bush
Personally I think no country should own any of our ports. Whats wrong with American run ports.
Sorry this is in the wrong thread.
(This isn't really funny is it?)
well said, mikey.
So 2 Arabs walk into a bar....... :goofy:
I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.
Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I went back into the house and turned on the TV to the weather channel. It's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies . . .
.
.
.
.
"Can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in this?"
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
3 men walked into a bar.......
the 4th one ducked
 whirled to OZ.
 They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great
 Wizard.
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
 Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
 Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.........I.......I think I need a
 heart."
 "Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and
 powerful Oz?"
 Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American
 people
 that I need a brain."
 "I've heard - it's true!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
 There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing
 there,
 looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally
 asks, "What do you want?"
"Is Dorothy here?", queried Bill.
party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband
didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun
by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"
he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really
silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my
costume to your brother, and apparently he had the time of his life."
It's the first movie I've seen rated U and is protected by the 1st Amendment. It's the most vulgar thing I've ever heard. I love it!
It's even worse that the South Park movie or that scene in Team America.
Don't rent it if your squeamish. It's just a bunch of comedians filling in the middle of a common joke. But it's pretty tough at times. It's friggen hilarious to say the least!
http://www.thearistocrats.com/
 I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
 tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
cup of tea, and then .." He sighed..."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act just like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."
You are correct sir. Thanks Mommy :smile:
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman : I froze to death.
2nd woman : How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldnÂ’t decide which one to take so I told her weÂ’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all, dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?”
I then said, “Honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently IÂ’m not having sex tonight eitherÂ….
The doctor told the husband that they couldnÂ’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womanÂ’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, down on your hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, ! "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll keep you happy,
and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii
would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the
ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dartmouth ferry."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "JUST ONE?? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing."
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her
breasts. Dr. Phil told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples
and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great
boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she
had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs
if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle
aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Phil 's by any
chance?"
"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."
That's something we all struggle with. He has that thing about him. I can't quite place it. :sheepish: :pbpt:
And sorrow neglect you,
And bad luck to the one
That doesn't respect you.
  guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
  We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view…
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
  Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
  down.
       We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
       about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
  that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
       Subtle hints do not work!
       Strong hints do not work!
       Obvious hints do not work!
        Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
       what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
       fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
  to
       act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
       makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
  done.
       Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
  yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
       commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
       Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
  fruit!
       We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
       nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
  the
       hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
  you
       don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
       fine...Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!
cause thats the great wife/woman I am
 :cool: :wink:
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
heh