I just had a visual of rubbing two dried marijuana stalks together to get fire. I think I would even keep rubbing long after the fire started. I wouldn't know how to stop. :goofy:
I had no idea how true that was until a couple years back. My fatherinlaw was selling his mustang convertable. A woman called. She asked what color it was and he HUNG UP ON HER!!!!!
We had to tell him how important that was to women! He really thought she wouldnt be good for the car because she wanted to know the color and didnt ask engine details!!!! :eyeroll: :eyeroll: :eyeroll: :eyeroll: OMG!!!!
I have to note - the only thing that kinda red flags me about her blog... is she doesn't address his addiction which makes me really curious. (heroin and cocaine OD is how he died) I realize that when people die, you usually want to just remember the good, but life with someone who is an addict isn't always as sunny as she makes it sound. I don't mean I want to hear about how he crashes and burns, but acknowledging it at least.. maybe?
A Florida senior citizen bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down I - 75, speeding at 85 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, as he roared down the highway. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror, and discovered a Florida State Patrol officer right behind him, blue lights flashing, and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man. He pushed the gas pedal all the way to the floor, and flew down the highway at 100 mph, then 110, and 120. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." So he pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the officer to catch up with him. The officer pulled in behind the Corvette, and calmly walked up to the driver's door. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 20 minutes. If you can explain why you were speeding away from me, with an excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the officer and said, "Ten years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Patrol Officer, and I thought you were bringing her back."
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy."I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
It's 1 am there - shouldn't you kids be in bed?
oh, and I happen to like Owen Broken Nosed Wilson :wink: ..he's gotta certain charm about him ... very few beat matthew mcconaughey though ... HOTTTT
the whole moves and the muscles... too close to the governator for me.
dbslove, "Jokes, Laughs, and Giggles" #284, 24 Mar 2006 5:29 am
Hell and second chances
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they
arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first
guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing
but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs
into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my
wife."
The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked
women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there
for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and
he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door.
The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot
tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death
bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian
style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three
men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an
empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or
showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll
never drink again!" he says.
The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to
give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even
faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams.
The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and
gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has
changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was
100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.
"You gotta a light man?"
:frown: :frown: :frown: :frown: :coolfrown:
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today".
:pbpt: :goofy: :cool: :sillygrin: :wink: :smile: :grin:
IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD.....
IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD.....
I had no idea how true that was until a couple years back. My fatherinlaw was selling his mustang convertable. A woman called. She asked what color it was and he HUNG UP ON HER!!!!!
We had to tell him how important that was to women! He really thought she wouldnt be good for the car because she wanted to know the color and didnt ask engine details!!!! :eyeroll: :eyeroll: :eyeroll: :eyeroll: OMG!!!!
by the way... it was a nice shade of baby blue
Mitch - I will drink my drinks tonight with boyant limes in your honor.
You either got the joke or you didn't and there wasn't a bunch of lead up for disapointment.
He was a Ramsey County boy.
unfortunately I can relate
Some of the ones about her just breaking down in the laundry soap isle at target really got to me.
It's the little things.
they seemed cute together
it's an ok blog -I was expecting tons of emotion
some of the older ones were better.
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
When does this first part happen??
And there were a few that didn't apply to me. :smile:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
4. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
6. Don't use any punctuation.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."
9. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
#10 is dumb- I like #3, #4 and #5
I already do #6 alot
The man looked at the officer and said, "Ten years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Patrol Officer, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the officer.
I like your tag LL
but....
if he had to wait for the officer to catch up to him why didn't he find a nice quaint place to exit the freeway....
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
- Mark Twain
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
- Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Gabor
- Alex Levine
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
- Mark Twain
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
HEH!
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy."I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"