5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says, "Bend Over"
 6. Musical recliners
 7. Simon says something incoherent
 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale
 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them
 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze
OLD IS WHEN
 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face
 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today
 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot
 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND
 1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
 3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
 4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
 5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
 6. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
 7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
 8 . Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.
The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'
Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks " who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in. To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him?" She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" and he opens the gate once again and says "You're right. Go on in."
A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "damn! missed the bugger!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Damn! Missed the bugger!"
If you are 30 or older or know someone who is... you will think this is hilarious!!!!
If you are younger then 30 and you can relate then..you're almost 30..or you just act like it.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually talked over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a
copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your
IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot asks ... real slowly... "So ...... ya gonna ... vote for ... Bush again?
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
"Could you please come over here and help me? I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says,"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend goes over to help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand."Secondly, Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then...He says with a deep sigh, glancing back at the table,"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."
So he sends his Mom an email:
Dearest Mama,
I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it, I'm just saying that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Mama:
Figlio mio,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fasttalking sales guy had told ME last year,.....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
When given a choice - always order beer
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
 1. Sag, you're It
 2. Hide and go pee
 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
 4. Kick the bucket
 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says, "Bend Over"
 6. Musical recliners
 7. Simon says something incoherent
 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale
 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them
 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze
OLD IS WHEN
 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face
 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today
 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot
 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND
 1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
 3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
 4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
 5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
 6. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
 7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
 8 . Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart!
The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'
Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a
package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his gorgeous nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort
her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual
urges."
The social worker continues, "also, you'll have a two-bedroom loft in
Manhattan and the starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullsh&ttin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it...."
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for
many years. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such
value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life
isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies (don't spend more than you
earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after
lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer
aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the
Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived
by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not
many attended his funeral because so few realized he
was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on;
if not, join the majority and do nothing.
 :smile:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I
could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make
somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of them
out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.
If you are younger then 30 and you can relate then..you're almost 30..or you just act like it.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how
hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually talked over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a
copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
-The 30 plus Crowd
heh :grin:
Although I think those are all the good things that the kids today are missing.
Kinda like standing in line for concert tickets ....
and NO microwave popcorn will ever be as good as my friends Dad's homemade stuff with extra butter and salt - that stuff rotted your gut!
my
luck!
Heres
the
pot
at
the
end
of
my
rainbow.
 :frown: :angry:
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your
IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot asks ... real slowly... "So ...... ya gonna ... vote for ... Bush again?
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
'Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket."
 After a moment of silence, he farted.
however, I woulda gotten the blanket for him
...then hold his head under the covers and fart at him :ooh: :sillygrin:
speaking of farting, the world's first hybrid motorcycle:
http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm
I read that the government passed a bill enabling the creating on an "H Prize" modeled after the Ansari X-Prize.
http://wired.com/news/wireservice/0,70873-0.html?tw=wn_technology_1
guess that's kinda a joke, but I gotta get working on some kinda hydrogen engine now... least the worst I could do is blow something up... heh.
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
"Could you please come over here and help me? I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says,"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend goes over to help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand."Secondly, Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then...He says with a deep sigh, glancing back at the table,"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."
So he sends his Mom an email:
Dearest Mama,
I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it, I'm just saying that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Mama:
Figlio mio,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama
MORAL: Never lie to your Mother
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fasttalking sales guy had told ME last year,.....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.