I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement today of winners of the MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNINGS PROGRAMS held on 10TH of August 2006.Your company or your personal e-mail address, is attached to ticket number 9901-0148-790-691, with serial number 66109-17 drew the lucky numbers 990-11-815-37-10-83, and consequently won the lottery in the 2nd category.
You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,000,000.00 in cash credited to file Ref: BTD/968/05 This is from total prize money of US$16,000,000.00 shared among the sixteen(16)international winners in this category.All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn form 25,000 names from Australia, New Zealand,America, Europe, North America and Asia, as part of International Promotions Program, which is conducted annually.
Your fund has been deposited in an escrow account and insured in your name.Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this award strictly from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to your account.
This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants of this program. We hope with a part of your prize, you will participate in our year high stakes US$1.3 billion International Lottery. To claim your winning prize, you must first contact the claims department via email/fax or phone for processing and remittance of your prize money to you.The claims officer contact email is:
You are to forward the required details listed below to your claims officer.This would be required for processing your claims file and swift delivery of your winning funds.
DECLARE THAT THE ABOVE DATA ARE TRUE. THAT MY CLAIMS AGENT SHALL ACT AS A FACILITATOR IN THE TRANSFER OF THE TOTAL FUND TO ME.
DATE........................
Endeavour to furnish your claims officer with the information listed above and also make sure that you give constant attention to your email messages so a steady correspondence could be made.
NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in all correspondences with this office.
Furthermore, should there be any change of your address, do inform us as soon as possible.
Congratulations again from all our staff for being part of our promotions program.
N.B. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result in disqualification and any winner below the age of 16years is automatically disqualified.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"?
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick, " he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do. "Honey, " I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh, " my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce, " I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know, " she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress, " I noted. "It's breech, " my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911, " my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet, " I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe, " he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze, " his mother noted to him.
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly, " the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited, " my wife offered.
"Exactly, " the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough, " I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad, " he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea, " Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless
Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma Complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities Turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a Man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in Show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough And Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by His elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. ! My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? IÂ’ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are yhou doing here?: he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to a movie."
A because I had a rotti, I thought this was funny...
teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
and before he could say "F@ck," the rottweiler ate him!"
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To
her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.
You see, another deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference
as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
see-through blouse on. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not
to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You
gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to
her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose
buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening !
MICROSOFT AWARD TEAM
Microsoft Corporation
One Microsoft Way
Redmond, WA 98052.
Ref:BTD/968/05
Batch:409978E
PRIZE AND AWARD NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement today of winners of the MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNINGS PROGRAMS held on 10TH of August 2006.Your company or your personal e-mail address, is attached to ticket number 9901-0148-790-691, with serial number 66109-17 drew the lucky numbers 990-11-815-37-10-83, and consequently won the lottery in the 2nd category.
You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,000,000.00 in cash credited to file Ref: BTD/968/05 This is from total prize money of US$16,000,000.00 shared among the sixteen(16)international winners in this category.All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn form 25,000 names from Australia, New Zealand,America, Europe, North America and Asia, as part of International Promotions Program, which is conducted annually.
Your fund has been deposited in an escrow account and insured in your name.Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this award strictly from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to your account.
This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants of this program. We hope with a part of your prize, you will participate in our year high stakes US$1.3 billion International Lottery. To claim your winning prize, you must first contact the claims department via email/fax or phone for processing and remittance of your prize money to you.The claims officer contact email is:
Mr Mark O'Reilly
Fiduciary Agent/Spokesperson
Microsoft Lottery Dept.
United Kingdom
Email:ms.agentreilly12@yahoo.co.uk
       :microsoftawar2@aim.com
Fax:+44-707-505-5831
Fax:+44-871-247-3323
You are to forward the required details listed below to your claims officer.This would be required for processing your claims file and swift delivery of your winning funds.
1.Full Names...............................................
2.Sex:.....................................................
3.Date of Birth........................................
4.Contact Phone and Fax Numbers............................
5.Residential Address......................................
6.Bank Address/Bank Name...................................
7.Occupation............................................. .
8.Nationality..............................................
9.Next of Kin............................................
DECLARATION:
I...............................................................HEREBY
DECLARE THAT THE ABOVE DATA ARE TRUE. THAT MY CLAIMS AGENT SHALL ACT AS A FACILITATOR IN THE TRANSFER OF THE TOTAL FUND TO ME.
DATE........................
Endeavour to furnish your claims officer with the information listed above and also make sure that you give constant attention to your email messages so a steady correspondence could be made.
NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in all correspondences with this office.
Furthermore, should there be any change of your address, do inform us as soon as possible.
Congratulations again from all our staff for being part of our promotions program.
.................................................................................................
N.B. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result in disqualification and any winner below the age of 16years is automatically disqualified.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Msg sent via YemenNet-Mail - http://www.yemen.net.ye/
http://fun.from.berdyczow.org/2004-05-26/posmeraj-goscia-w-nos.swf
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -
 b a c k?
type in " failure "
1st listing of over 5 million
So I call'd home and told the wife I'm going to pick up some import beer.
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I should quit drinking anyways..
Then I asked her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
click
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
"Yep, three males, two females."
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles. "
With that the bartender opens the door to look in and says... "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"?
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our
prayers have been answered."
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick, " he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do. "Honey, " I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh, " my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce, " I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know, " she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress, " I noted. "It's breech, " my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911, " my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet, " I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe, " he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze, " his mother noted to him.
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly, " the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited, " my wife offered.
"Exactly, " the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little... " she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough, " I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad, " he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea, " Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless
Moral of the story -
finish biology class -
lizards lay eggs!
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma Complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities Turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a Man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in Show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough And Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by His elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
A Misdewiener!
That's so clean Terry I feel like bathing in mud just to feel OK for laughing at it.
:wink:
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
Look carefully at the picture.
The only possible answers are "left" or "right."
Think about it
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Still don't know?
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Okay, I'll tell you. ...
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The pre-schoolers all answered "left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?"
they answered:
"Because you can't see the door."
Feel pretty stupid now, don't you?
I know, me too.
Yes I do. Nice
I was first thinking it was traveling away until you clarified.
couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to
his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
a-hole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"*
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. ! My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? IÂ’ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are yhou doing here?: he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to a movie."
teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
and before he could say "F@ck," the rottweiler ate him!"