A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle
white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Catgut is the name applied to cord of great toughness and tenacity prepared from the intestines of sheep/goat, or occasionally from those of the hog, horse, mule, pig, and donkey.
The term camel hair is very misleading. Camel hair brushes actually consist of various inexpensive hair types like Asian pony, bear, sheep or lesser grade squirrel hair. There is not a single hair from a real camel in a camel hair brush.
incase your like me...I've had a few variations of the quiz.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is
much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad.. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
! Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
When my son was a teen, he dated a girl who said the following:
1) I make $10 an hour. I make $5 dollars an hour at (fast food place) and $5 an hour at (retail place), so that's $10 an hour. Nothing we said could convince her that unless she was working them both simulataneously, she was NOT making $10 an hour.
2) I need to stop at the post office and buy some stamps. (I offered to give her a few of mine, since she was walking and it was cold, and the post office was out of her way). She said, "but don't your stamps have your name on them?"
3) We went up to _______'s uncle's cabin and we had fish from water! (I asked where she usually has fish from.) She said, "from the freezer".
4) We pulled up to the video store and I asked her to put the video in the return slot. She said she didn't know how, that her mother had never showed her how to do that.
5) On driving to her house one evening, I commented on the full moon I could see as we came over a hill. She said, "oh yeah, and there was one by your house, too".
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
     He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
    "I'm a whore," she says.
     The acountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
     The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call gril."
    "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
     They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
     The accoutant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'
     "Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would
just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The Purina DietI was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was inline to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was startingThe Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up inthe hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in anintensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV'sin both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying itI told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it worksis to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or twoevery time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionallycomplete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by nowenthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and wasthat why I ended up in the hospital.I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing." After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me,"
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A father and son went hunting together, for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET, I'll be across the field." A little while later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well ... I guess,I just panicked."
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, but not too old to really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, enjoy, reflect and remember what real comedians were like. Those of you who are too young to remember this hilarious duo should make every attempt to watch their videos, DVD's or search for them on the "oldies" TV channel. It will be worth your time to really laugh.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have gone something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
that hasto be one of the best whos on first renditions I have seen!!!!!!!!!
I love that skit to pass time my ex and I on roadtrips would do that skit to a tee! in our happyer times we had it down I have the video as my screen saver every now and agin!!!!!!!!! WE USE to watch it all the TIME!!!!! and listen to a hand full of there other ones on cd! for long trips also!!!!!!!!!
A man is riding an elevator when a blonde gets on. She smiles and says T.G.I.F.! He smiles ack and says S.H.I.T.! The woman is a little put off, but smiles and says again T.G.I.F - matching her tone the man replies S.H.I.T!
The doors open and the man gets off - determined the woman says one more time - T.G.I.F - Thank god it's Friday!! The man smiles and says - S.H.I.T, Sorry honey it's Thursday!
Sadly it doesn't work for transpacific.
It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid by this chick...
"I really don't like this song," she answers. "And even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
"I guess you didn't hear me over all the noise. I said you look fat in those pants."
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
Please answer all questions before scrolling down for the answers.
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal
do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
:ooh: What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check
your answers below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) >From which animal do
we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
:ooh: What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course.
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too. (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they can feel rotten,
too.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle
white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
The term camel hair is very misleading. Camel hair brushes actually consist of various inexpensive hair types like Asian pony, bear, sheep or lesser grade squirrel hair. There is not a single hair from a real camel in a camel hair brush.
incase your like me...I've had a few variations of the quiz.
but of course..."i'm feeling lucky" :wink:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is
much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad.. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of
the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners
were hung everywhere!
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and,
eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they
had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called her husband and asked how things were going. He
told her the saga of the rotting house, she listened politely and said that
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,
including the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don't you?
 :grin:
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
! Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
jk IM - you good people
Joh!
thats dislexeay for ya!!!
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and
told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money
back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what
she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back
again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane .
.............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed
me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said,
"Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."
...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF
ALL...................................they VOTE!
was NOT happy.
She told him:
"When I wake up in the morning, there had better be
something new and shiny in the driveway, that I can
make go from 0 to 200 in five seconds."
The next morning, there, in the driveway, was a shiny
new bathroom scale.
When my son was a teen, he dated a girl who said the following:
1) I make $10 an hour. I make $5 dollars an hour at (fast food place) and $5 an hour at (retail place), so that's $10 an hour. Nothing we said could convince her that unless she was working them both simulataneously, she was NOT making $10 an hour.
2) I need to stop at the post office and buy some stamps. (I offered to give her a few of mine, since she was walking and it was cold, and the post office was out of her way). She said, "but don't your stamps have your name on them?"
3) We went up to _______'s uncle's cabin and we had fish from water! (I asked where she usually has fish from.) She said, "from the freezer".
4) We pulled up to the video store and I asked her to put the video in the return slot. She said she didn't know how, that her mother had never showed her how to do that.
5) On driving to her house one evening, I commented on the full moon I could see as we came over a hill. She said, "oh yeah, and there was one by your house, too".
computers.
Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...
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Look down, not scroll down, dummy! :wink:
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?"
She says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the
pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he
sighed, and said, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes
back in the box."
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strang e question from somebody whose wiener is on his face."
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
After the waiter arrives the man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest
Porterhouse steak."
The waiter replies: "Monsieur.....what about ze mad cow?"
The man replies: "She'll have a salad."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
     He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
    "I'm a whore," she says.
     The acountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
     The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call gril."
    "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
     They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
     The accoutant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore call girl?'
     "Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
     "Good enough."
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would
just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The first dwarf, however, is
unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries
of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE...UHH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get up on the bed."
Subject: Purina Diet
The Purina DietI was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was inline to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was startingThe Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up inthe hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in anintensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV'sin both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying itI told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it worksis to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or twoevery time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionallycomplete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by nowenthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and wasthat why I ended up in the hospital.I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You listened to this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you
And that's the truth! :goofy:
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing." After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing!
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me,"
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A father and son went hunting together, for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET, I'll be across the field." A little while later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well ... I guess,I just panicked."
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, but not too old to really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, enjoy, reflect and remember what real comedians were like. Those of you who are too young to remember this hilarious duo should make every attempt to watch their videos, DVD's or search for them on the "oldies" TV channel. It will be worth your time to really laugh.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have gone something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START."
I love that skit to pass time my ex and I on roadtrips would do that skit to a tee! in our happyer times we had it down I have the video as my screen saver every now and agin!!!!!!!!! WE USE to watch it all the TIME!!!!! and listen to a hand full of there other ones on cd! for long trips also!!!!!!!!!
He came over to me and said, "I'm not happy".
So I said, " Well then, which one are you?"
The doors open and the man gets off - determined the woman says one more time - T.G.I.F - Thank god it's Friday!! The man smiles and says - S.H.I.T, Sorry honey it's Thursday!