My best star viewing was last August out in Montana. I was on an overnight backpacking trip and woke at 3 AM to see the big dipper literally sitting between two mountain peaks. The stars felt so close that I felt like I could reach out and touch them. It made the whole 12 mile hike worth it. A moment I'll never forget ~ I can't wait to go back! :smile:
I can't tell if things are better or worse or the same. Still too numb. But my drive home from work isn't 100% filled with tears anymore. I still have many daily episodes and can't control when they come as much as I could before but I seem to be able to control the episode itself anyway. I feel as if I'm in a movie most of the day. I also wonder if it's me lying in a hospital bed and others are coming to visit me while I'm in a coma or something. I don't feel focussed enough to feel clear and alive. I do have some nice dreams though.
I do want to take this time to thank all of you once again for all of your support. You are all the best and a person couldn't ask for more.
There not fairytale type dreams but dreams like we're going through our regular daily routine. Just talking about Ali, bills or vacation plans. Not actual memories rather what it would be like if she was here today.
Anything to try and cover up those visuals of the final hours in the hospital. I'm still scared as hell and get chills everytime one of those pictures enters my head. That's another reason why I haven't had much sleep in months. :frown:
Thanks Bear but Kitch in tights can't possibly make anyone feel better. :smile:
But I do have some other crap going on today. On the way in to work my entire headlight housing unit came off slamming against my car and then falling and smashing to the highway. I backed up and had to wait to run out into the middle of hwy 52/55 to pick it up. Damn!
Then I get to work and have two employees and their families waiting to meet with me complaining about one of the supervisors. Just before I met with them my mom called and said that Ali was having a real rough day today and not listening or behaving well at all. So I tried fixing that enough so I could meet with the group outside my office. The phone was ringing off the hook the whole time I was meeting with the employees.
I think I finally fixed the issue with Ali after a long conversation with her and same with the workers. We'll see on both counts.
Either way my car needs work and I'm sure it's not cheap as I'll need both driver and passenger housing units along with some other work I've been putting off. :eyeroll: :eyeroll:
You ever get those times in your life where the stress level is so great that you can see it from outside yourself? That's how it was earlier. I'm tired and worn out now. :neutral:
I did have a very nice conversation with the organizer of IGH Days. I'm donating some $ for fireworks in Amy's name and she's going to have it mentioned in their IGH Days brochure. Then we talked more and discovered that she just lost her brother a few months ago. We hit it off pretty good after that. We blabbed so much that I was late getting out the door for work.
Only to loose my headlight and become even later than I already was. :eyeroll:
She did say that she wants Ali and her friends to help hand out glow necklaces before the fireworks this year. Which is an honor because every kid wants to be your friend when you're handing those things out. Especially because she didn't get any last year because they thought she was over 10 years old because of her height. :eyeroll:
The girls were happy when I told them about that. They're actually going to double the amount of necklaces and also increase the show from the 22 minute firework standard to 28 minutes because of the growing enthusiasm and money generated. It's actually put on by a fireworks club and not a company so she says they get a $20k show for about $10k. :cool:
She also wants me to send her some photos I have of previous shows to include in the brochure too. :smile:
You ever get those times in your life where the stress level is so great that you can see it from outside yourself?
yes :frown: I have too
I tried to explain it to kitch one day how I couldn't understand how my body hadn't shut down already and had its own heart attack from hurting so deeply over some things. sometimes you can't do it on your own though sweetheart.....God gave you friends that love you for a reason...
ditto with eags: You keep posting, OK? We'll keep being here.
about ali handing out glownecklaces.... that is the best news in a while! I love things that glow -they lift spirits and thats soooo cool that she gets to be apart of it. AND YOU! MR HOTSHOT photographer! thats wonderful
You ever get those times in your life where the stress level is so great that you can see it from outside yourself? That's how it was earlier. I'm tired and worn out now.
oh sweetie... I am soo sorry you feel this way!! this is every freaking day of my life, well actually every day I feel like I'm two steps ahead of getting run over by a steam roller... but close.
oddly enough - my best advice is - go home and organize a cupboard in your kitchen, or a shelf in your bathroom. you will feel instantly better.
I'm not sure why, but it's like you get that 5 minutes, and somehow as you reorganize it, you are also reorganizing your brain, like the index cards are all going back into alphabetical order.
Thanks Vino. I know what you mean about organizing a drawer, closet or cupboard. Most of my house is almost there but I'm still saving some for those times because it definitely works. You just engulf yourself in something so mundane and it seems to help.
The "therapy" that surprised me the most was working jigsaw puzzles. It seemed mindless at the time, and it kept me from thinking 24/7. However, somewhere along the line, I realized that I was subconsciously working out other puzzles, in my mind, at the same time. There were still moments, while I was working on a puzzle, when the tears would start to flow. I'd just push back from the table so I didn't cry all over the puzzle pieces.
my therapy is the beach down by the cliff house in SF - sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in - then walking over to where the Sutro Baths once stood, looking at the ruins.
when I need to get away from feelings, I do the clean out thing - or I run. I run until I can't think, I can't breathe, I can see straight - then when I calm down a little - I run some more.
Funny how you mention a cliff and waves as I was just looking for a picture of where Amy wants her ashes spread. I did find one picture but I think I have a better one from our first anniversary. Very soothing
It's even better with sound. It's a small cliff peninsula sticking out from the Bluefin Bay resort. We used to go up there all the time and stay at the various resorts along Lake Superior. But she always said that she wanted to be spread over the lake by that small cliff or Palisade Head. We would just love watching the waves come crashing in hour after hour. I was looking at making reservations already even though it's 8 months away.
I could probably do it myself but it ripped out my wiring harness too (which I just replaced because it fried from putting in those high-intensity lights) plus I need other work done and don't know what the codes mean.
- or I run. I run until I can't think, I can't breathe, I can see straight - then when I calm down a little - I run some more.
I was doing that but I would think sooo much when I was running that it began to bring me down even more that I had to stop.
my therapy is the beach down by the cliff house in SF - sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in. - That sounds wonderful right now. I know of 2 people headed to the north shore soon and I'm just yearning to go up and spend hours searching for agates and strange rocks along the lake while enjoying the day and the breeze and watching the ships and the waves. I love to do that.
There are a alot of various issues associated with the certain engine code that was pulled up where I need to go to a dealer to find out exactly what it is.
That's what all my southern work brothers drink. I've tried it a couple of times in the past but can't remember how it was. It looks like I'll need to go on that taste test challenge too.
I can't tell if things are better or worse or the same. Still too numb. But my drive home from work isn't 100% filled with tears anymore. I still have many daily episodes and can't control when they come as much as I could before but I seem to be able to control the episode itself anyway. I feel as if I'm in a movie most of the day. I also wonder if it's me lying in a hospital bed and others are coming to visit me while I'm in a coma or something. I don't feel focussed enough to feel clear and alive. I do have some nice dreams though.
I do want to take this time to thank all of you once again for all of your support. You are all the best and a person couldn't ask for more.
nice
[Peter slightly nods]
Tinkerbell: ... That's were I'll always love you Peter Pan.
Anything to try and cover up those visuals of the final hours in the hospital. I'm still scared as hell and get chills everytime one of those pictures enters my head. That's another reason why I haven't had much sleep in months. :frown:
awesome! :frown: :frown:
ty
Peter Pan: I am not a pirate. It so happens that I am a lawyer.
Lost Boys: Kill the lawyer!
Peter Pan: I'm not that kind of lawyer!
I sure understand what you're describing.
You keep posting, OK? We'll keep being here.
Da Yooper and I were fascinated by dreams. He used to say to me, "someday maybe we'll be in the same dream".
And we have been, only little did I know it would be with him on the other side of the veil.
(Where are the crying smileys???)
you should have seen me last night.
:chagrin:
(That one was to make you feel better, Clue-Man)
But I do have some other crap going on today. On the way in to work my entire headlight housing unit came off slamming against my car and then falling and smashing to the highway. I backed up and had to wait to run out into the middle of hwy 52/55 to pick it up. Damn!
Then I get to work and have two employees and their families waiting to meet with me complaining about one of the supervisors. Just before I met with them my mom called and said that Ali was having a real rough day today and not listening or behaving well at all. So I tried fixing that enough so I could meet with the group outside my office. The phone was ringing off the hook the whole time I was meeting with the employees.
I think I finally fixed the issue with Ali after a long conversation with her and same with the workers. We'll see on both counts.
Either way my car needs work and I'm sure it's not cheap as I'll need both driver and passenger housing units along with some other work I've been putting off. :eyeroll: :eyeroll:
You ever get those times in your life where the stress level is so great that you can see it from outside yourself? That's how it was earlier. I'm tired and worn out now. :neutral:
Only to loose my headlight and become even later than I already was. :eyeroll:
She did say that she wants Ali and her friends to help hand out glow necklaces before the fireworks this year. Which is an honor because every kid wants to be your friend when you're handing those things out. Especially because she didn't get any last year because they thought she was over 10 years old because of her height. :eyeroll:
The girls were happy when I told them about that. They're actually going to double the amount of necklaces and also increase the show from the 22 minute firework standard to 28 minutes because of the growing enthusiasm and money generated. It's actually put on by a fireworks club and not a company so she says they get a $20k show for about $10k. :cool:
She also wants me to send her some photos I have of previous shows to include in the brochure too. :smile:
yes :frown: I have too
I tried to explain it to kitch one day how I couldn't understand how my body hadn't shut down already and had its own heart attack from hurting so deeply over some things. sometimes you can't do it on your own though sweetheart.....God gave you friends that love you for a reason...
ditto with eags:
You keep posting, OK? We'll keep being here.
about ali handing out glownecklaces.... that is the best news in a while! I love things that glow -they lift spirits and thats soooo cool that she gets to be apart of it. AND YOU! MR HOTSHOT photographer! thats wonderful
 :ooh:
Sorry to hear about your bad day! :frown: Hang in there, the good memories will last a lifetime and hopefully the sad memories will fade with time.
I backed up and had to wait to run out into the middle of hwy 52/55 to pick it up. Damn!
52/55??? where do you live? You drive within a few miles of my house on your way to work...
I live up on the Concord side
oh sweetie... I am soo sorry you feel this way!! this is every freaking day of my life, well actually every day I feel like I'm two steps ahead of getting run over by a steam roller... but close.
oddly enough - my best advice is - go home and organize a cupboard in your kitchen, or a shelf in your bathroom. you will feel instantly better.
I'm not sure why, but it's like you get that 5 minutes, and somehow as you reorganize it, you are also reorganizing your brain, like the index cards are all going back into alphabetical order.
hugs. :cool:
or sometimes at night, hanging out on top of the waterfall, at Phalen with a few beers.
when I need to get away from feelings, I do the clean out thing - or I run. I run until I can't think, I can't breathe, I can see straight - then when I calm down a little - I run some more.
Split Rock Cliff (not lighthouse)
Thats cool that Ali gets to hand out the necklaces. She'll enjoy that.
Try going to Abra autobody in Woodbury off Old Hudson Rd. They fixed mine way cheaper than anybody else I talked to. Maybe they can hook you up too.
Isn't that what Google is for? Cadillac codes (year of car).
Edit: Personal Joe! *thanks CM*
I was doing that but I would think sooo much when I was running that it began to bring me down even more that I had to stop.
my therapy is the beach down by the cliff house in SF - sitting in the sand, watching the waves come in. - That sounds wonderful right now. I know of 2 people headed to the north shore soon and I'm just yearning to go up and spend hours searching for agates and strange rocks along the lake while enjoying the day and the breeze and watching the ships and the waves. I love to do that.
There are a alot of various issues associated with the certain engine code that was pulled up where I need to go to a dealer to find out exactly what it is.
that's a good place to think too.
:smile: think. drink. drink. drink. oh yeah... think... :smile:
Bon Jovi - (You Want To) Make a Memory Lyrics
Hello again, it's you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life's mysteries
How's your life, it's been a while
God it's good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave
If you don't know if you should stay
If you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
You wanna make a memory?
I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It's bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don't wanna ask
If you go now, I'll understand
If you stay, hey, I've got a plan
We're gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory?
If you don't know if you should stay
And you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be
We Should be
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines
You wanna make a memory? (x2)
Okay ~ time to find a different radio station!
 :eyeroll:
ya'll will have to wait til i come back to see the magic that is me in mexico.
lots and lots of it (goes in my 401k)
but forget that tecate stuff (I don't get a cut.. )
I like negra modelo the best - with orange slices rather than lemons.
pacifico tastes great as a chaser to good tequilla.
or Premium, because its local, and has its own taste.
Sounds nummy!