I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr.. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Seagrams, a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, 8 Ice Houses, 4 Coors Lites, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Viagra prescription, 2 1/2 joints, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a
box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
I gotta send that to my mom. She just got a book from my sister yesterday that explains dreams. Man I hope she doesn't say she had that same dream. :lipsealed:
In a bid to speed up their pit stops, the Dale Earnhardt Jr #88 team sacked their entire pit crew and replaced them with local gang members who, it was said, could get the wheels off a car in less than three seconds without any proper equipment.
Come the day of the next Nascar and the gang members, working in the pits, did indeed change the tires on Dale's car in under three seconds. But there was a problem: within ten seconds they had resprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Mark Martin team.
A guy and his girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all.
So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working. She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
With a smile on my lips, and a tear in my eye------
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Thanks, mucluck - not sure I can take credit for that, though - seems like I might have heard it somewhere a long time ago...think I'll google it and see.
What is the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?...The Northern fairy tale starts out "Once upon a time..." and the Southern fairy tale starts out with
When the graveside service had no more than just finished there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder and more lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there!"
I met a guy who had one of those businesses. His last name is Anderson. His wife told him there was no way he could used initials for his sewer service business on the side of the trucks.
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following, "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr.. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Seagrams, a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, 8 Ice Houses, 4 Coors Lites, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Viagra prescription, 2 1/2 joints, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a
box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
peace!!!
Beavis - 12:30am Feb 1, 1998 CST (#2906 of 8457)
ahhh what the poop, another poem
Here I sit, same as ever. Took a dump, pulled the lever. Toilet clogged, water flowed. Look out world, it's a "mother lode" Edit MessageDelete Message
Beavis - 12:16am Feb 1, 1998 CST (#2894 of 8457)
ok, I'm back... now for a poem (this one is pretty stupid)
A B C, L S D, gummy bears are chasing me. Some are red, some are blue, the yellow one just stole my shoe. Edit MessageDelete Message
I didnt come out with the ICEMAN tell I know it was time!! and I liked to heckle you guys alot I was a Old Skool form of Shackbash!! back in the day!!
But yes I have been around for a few years Green rembers me as my old name thats the funny part!! :cool: :coolfrown:
Cool that it was you :smile:
I am still that bad just ask tim!!!
the rest of you have just learned to live with me and know that I am not going away any time fast!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
and my sister is good dream analist :smile:
I've got three nights of unsettling dreams to decipher.
I've got a good idea what they mean, but looking to confirm or additional insight.
Thanks.
Come the day of the next Nascar and the gang members, working in the pits, did indeed change the tires on Dale's car in under three seconds. But there was a problem: within ten seconds they had resprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Mark Martin team.
So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working. She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant,
love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the
Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward
to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (
e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the
brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The
brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesar ian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
How can you turn this man's life into a joke? He tought us what it's all about for God's sake.
Maybe you might need to think about turning yourself around TV
That would be me.
What If The Hokey Pokey Is All It Really Is About? Lyrics
The universe is runnin' away
I heard it on the news just the other day
There's this new stuff called dark energy
We can't measure and we can't see
It's some elemental mystery
Train that we can't catch
But our heads are in the oven
And somebody's 'bout to strike a match
Meanwhile back on our big round ball
Things are getting serious as cholesterol
Permutations, calculations,
Greedy piggies at the trough
Arrogance and ignorance
Just to top it off
I just can't keep up with the Nasdaq
Who got sold and bought
I've got to take my lunch break
But I'll leave you with a little for thought
Maybe it's all too simple
For our brains to figure it out
What if the hokey pokey
Is all it really is about
What if life is just a cosmic joke
Like spiders in your underwear or olives in
your coke
My life can get as messy as a day old sticky bun
So I arm myself with punch lines and a big ol'
water gun
They say it's not that simple but just maybe it
should be
It's time to change the subject, would you join me
in a cup of herbal tea?
Maybe it's all too simple
For our brains to figure it out
What if the hokey pokey
Is all it really is about
I still believe in rock 'n' roll
It pays my bills and soothes my soul
There really really isn't
A whole lot more around
Except for Frank Sinatra and the Big
band sound
I want music in the music
I want chicken in the soup
I want caffeine in my system let's revive
the hula hoop
Maybe it's all too simple
For our brains to figure it out
What if the hokey pokey
Is all it really is about
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so
he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was Paul, and very fine specimen he was,
but on this particular morning John noticed Paul's bell hadn't rung at all.
John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Paul had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.
John was so proud of Paul, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and
he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Paul the No Bell Piece Prize
but they awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.
THAT joke gets a rim shot for being so Punny!
"You ain't gonna believe this crap..!"
When the graveside service had no more than just finished there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder and more lightning.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there!"
A. S. S.
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
sir? please step away from the goat
but I have said "#9"
Q: What do you do if you break your arm in two places?
A: Well, for starters, don't go back to those two places!