I love that one! I'm going to tell it to my 7 year old grandson so he can tell it to his oh so Irish grandpa.
Have to share this. Last night my daughter took him to urgent care because he had a rash and a fever and a headache. He called me later and told me he got A's on all of his tests. But he didn't like it when they had to look at his "growing". He meant his groin. :sillygrin:
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:
'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
I was thinking earlier today how I wished the "world" to view me AFTER I'm gone. How life is too short and how do I really want to live..... needless to say, it wasn't like these lawyers, even though they probably had fun doing what they did..... and it really doesn't matter what everyone thinks about my life as long as I can live with my decisions and I love, I'm loved, and me and the kids and friends are happy. But it's still a very big question that everyone probably asks themselves at some point in their lives. What do I want? and then that leads in to "You don't always get what you want" Zepp ....aint that the truth. I just don't understand why everything has to be so damn difficult, like I said earlier lifes too short ~ but rarely do people really take heed, even myself. It's taken me a long time to get here and a long ways to go. I've got my thumb out if anyone wants to stop and let me on your ride for awhile. blah blah blah - should be blogging.
What do I want? and then that leads in to "You don't always get what you want" Zepp ....aint that the truth. I just don't understand why everything has to be so damn difficult.
just talking it all out outloud. I'm not complaining, just more observations and decision making. Life is hard no matter how wonderful it can be. just talking it through is all....or typing it through. thanks though - I'll take ALL the hugging I can ever get.
The Catholic Priest was about to leave his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree.
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
written through the eyes of women- these are pretty right on by how we feel about you guys -
1. Men are like .. Laxatives.... They irritate the crap out of you. (this one isn't true).
2. Men are like. ...Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. (I don't know if this is true or not but do love a mushy guy!)
3. Men are like ....Weather.... Nothing can be done to change them. (thats ok, if you love them than you can compromise and accept all the baggage that comes with them-this should go both ways)
4. Men are like .... Blenders.... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. (I know why)
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars ...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. (all I can say is mmmmmmmmmmm)
6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. (if its intimacy related than I find this mostly true)
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off! (COOL!)
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. (I like some imaturity in a man, just not always 'prematurity')
9 . Men are like ..... Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .........(mmmmmmm, yup - seems ok if they get emotional, not ok though if the woman gets emotional)
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. (funny, see #6 and #9, fix those and then there wouldn't be a problem...and since men llllove to fix things....WHY is there a ^%*(^*)@&^ problem?)
11. Men are like ....Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. (aaaah, buts that a big part of the fun of it all - I love snowstorms)
12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright. actually I like a smart guy who has mmmmoves like a lava lamp on the dance floor. HOTT!
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. There are good ones? just kidding, I know there is at least one out there - but a woman shouldn't have to constantly convince the man to accept them. Either they want them or they don't...and not just physically! This goes both ways too.
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips> facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Shera, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!! ! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK , back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip..it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your n ether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call thenumber on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub som
and FYI- I know about that waxing stuff and I know she almost did it right! I bought the organic honey stuff that you can actually eat.
I heard laser hair removal from those lower back areas are popular in Japan.
- all of the above cm, all of the above. You try it once, I dare yah. Oh, you have to have hair first though otherwise it's like smooth candle wax sticking to your finger. :sheepish:
hey now --- hahahaha - its a sugary honey substance that has been used in the middleeast for centuries. Do you think women walked around with hairy legs way back in the days? They do in Europe today...its supposed to be sexy to have hairy armpits.
You don't really eat it. You just could.
you don't lick the strips after you rip the hair off silly boys.
and what funny is it was named after a daughter of the owner - Natalie - so they call it NADS! hahahaha funny stuff.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa . He told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from California . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Woman from Minnesota . He told her that in addition to being half-contributor to the two-family income, her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he couldn't see anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything. By the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher..........................
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK ). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER ).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Have to share this. Last night my daughter took him to urgent care because he had a rash and a fever and a headache. He called me later and told me he got A's on all of his tests. But he didn't like it when they had to look at his "growing". He meant his groin. :sillygrin:
wow..musta stole the photos from the cooler at one point or another i've seen all of these..
oh...NSFW
I looked over to my left and saw a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don’t scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My cellphone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn Women Drivers!!!
given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob
this bank?' the man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the
temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple and asked
the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'No sir, I
didn't, but my wife did.'
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:
'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
I was thinking earlier today how I wished the "world" to view me AFTER I'm gone. How life is too short and how do I really want to live..... needless to say, it wasn't like these lawyers, even though they probably had fun doing what they did..... and it really doesn't matter what everyone thinks about my life as long as I can live with my decisions and I love, I'm loved, and me and the kids and friends are happy. But it's still a very big question that everyone probably asks themselves at some point in their lives. What do I want? and then that leads in to "You don't always get what you want" Zepp ....aint that the truth. I just don't understand why everything has to be so damn difficult, like I said earlier lifes too short ~ but rarely do people really take heed, even myself. It's taken me a long time to get here and a long ways to go. I've got my thumb out if anyone wants to stop and let me on your ride for awhile. blah blah blah - should be blogging.
(((((me2)))))
And if you try, sometimes, you get what you need.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree.
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."
The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
1. Men are like .. Laxatives.... They irritate the crap out of you. (this one isn't true).
2. Men are like. ...Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. (I don't know if this is true or not but do love a mushy guy!)
3. Men are like ....Weather.... Nothing can be done to change them. (thats ok, if you love them than you can compromise and accept all the baggage that comes with them-this should go both ways)
4. Men are like .... Blenders.... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. (I know why)
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars ...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. (all I can say is mmmmmmmmmmm)
6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. (if its intimacy related than I find this mostly true)
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off! (COOL!)
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. (I like some imaturity in a man, just not always 'prematurity')
9 . Men are like ..... Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .........(mmmmmmm, yup - seems ok if they get emotional, not ok though if the woman gets emotional)
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. (funny, see #6 and #9, fix those and then there wouldn't be a problem...and since men llllove to fix things....WHY is there a ^%*(^*)@&^ problem?)
11. Men are like ....Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. (aaaah, buts that a big part of the fun of it all - I love snowstorms)
12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright. actually I like a smart guy who has mmmmoves like a lava lamp on the dance floor. HOTT!
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. There are good ones? just kidding, I know there is at least one out there - but a woman shouldn't have to constantly convince the man to accept them. Either they want them or they don't...and not just physically! This goes both ways too.
I don't think what your calling "mushy" is what they meant by "less firm"
i'm just teasing you is all :smile:
http://railsenvy.com/tags/Commercials
Dear Bob:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Bob
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
:cool:
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips> facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Shera, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!! ! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK , back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip..it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call thenumber on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub som
Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
Bwah!! :sillygrin:
I thought she wasn't expired anymore :frown:
and FYI- I know about that waxing stuff and I know she almost did it right! I bought the organic honey stuff that you can actually eat.
I heard laser hair removal from those lower back areas are popular in Japan.
- all of the above cm, all of the above. You try it once, I dare yah. Oh, you have to have hair first though otherwise it's like smooth candle wax sticking to your finger. :sheepish:
I need to go toss some cookies now...
umm.... hair removal product that you can eat....
I think I'll file that under useless inventions.
Now what? :frown:
You don't really eat it. You just could.
you don't lick the strips after you rip the hair off silly boys.
and what funny is it was named after a daughter of the owner - Natalie - so they call it NADS! hahahaha funny stuff.
Here are some funny infomericals from Hell on it:
http://www.infomercial-hell.com/nads/
Ingredients
1 cup sugar
Half a lemon for the juice
1/4 cup honey
A little bit of Molasses if you have any like a drizzle
Cornstarch (to powder with for tautness making it more effective)
Who says I haven't tried it? :pbpt:
I stepped on a Tetanus shot needle. Now what?
BWAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the new tagline MD~! :sillygrin:
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa . He told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from California . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Woman from Minnesota . He told her that in addition to being half-contributor to the two-family income, her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he couldn't see anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything. By the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher..........................
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK ). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE ) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER ).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that
night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend
came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.
He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made
love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his
office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my
eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word.
We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his
mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey
Batman, what's for dinner?"