Giving her the finger would mean I'd have to let go of my shaver and/or cell phone. I'd have to take my knee off the steering wheel to catch the falling object in my lap. For a guy that's just too much to do at one time. :wink:
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill replied "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
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On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread"
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
Please excuse the rough language in the following story. . I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
'Well,' said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!'
Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . . PLEASE MAMA!'
'Sarah, Sarah,' her mother said, 'calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?'
'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter, 'I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!
'Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!'
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama . . . he used words like: dust,wash, iron, and cook ..'
'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said the mother.
Line of the day:
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Question of the day: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
why can't a couple be married and be his girlfriend and mistress all wrapped in to one?
come on guys answer me!
Cubicle - a padded cell without a door.
Question of the Day:
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
Question of the Day:
Can Atheists get insurance for Acts Of God?
Two guys walk into a bar. They said, "Ouch" because it hurt.
Question of the Day:
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Question of the Day:
How many roads must a man travel down...
before he admits he is lost?
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Question of the Day:
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Question of the Day:
Why is it, that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Question of the Day:
Back up my hard drive? -- How do you put it in reverse?
Word Definitions:
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians
Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring
Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official
THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.
' Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons
and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so
"The same thing we do every morning, Pinky; We're going to post a joke."
Line of the Day:
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
Question of the Day:
If procrastinators had a club; would they ever have a meeting?
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill replied "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
.
.
.
. SCROLL DOWN
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread"
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with Battery...
Question of the Day:
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
men drivers :eyeroll:
Who is General Failure and why did the military take over my hard disk?
Line of the Day:
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise MY hand.
Woooow. O.K., you can put in down now...
C'mon - it's hard to type with one hand...
Please? :neutral:
Help! :ooh:
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other; "Funny, I smell carrots too."
Question of the Day:
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Duh!
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
"The stork, dear."
"Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?"
"The police, dear."
"Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mommy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mommy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Question of the Day:
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
C'mon - it's hard to type with one hand...
HEH! :sillygrin:
When everything's coming your way -- you're in the wrong lane!
Question of the Day:
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Question of the Day:
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Question of the Day:
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Question of the Day:
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
Thanks for the good hearty laugh!
I saw a bumper sticker yesterday:
Dyslexic satanists worship Santa.
A magician was driving down the road.. then he turned into a driveway...
Question of the Day:
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!.:smile:
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
'Well,' said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!'
Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . . PLEASE MAMA!'
'Sarah, Sarah,' her mother said, 'calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?'
'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter, 'I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!
'Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!'
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama . . . he used words like: dust,wash, iron, and cook ..'
'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said the mother.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Question of the Day:
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?