Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Question of the Day:
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
From my mother in law, an allegedly true story (my apologies for shouting as i cut and pasted):
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON, HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.'
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTI ON TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. 'SEX! YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!'
Basically it means your core operating system cannot function. Your computer cannot even boot up to run anything. It has tripped on its own tongue.
Non-computer savvy people that get this error freak out because they cannot find the "any" Key. :wink: Macs have their own crash window, too...
The 'Sad' Mac crash icon disappeared with the new OS X software. Usually restarting gets you back to normal, but whatever you were just doing goes bye-bye.
CNN has reported that gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens at the gas pumps so you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you are!!
The only time I've had a Mac crash is when I tried deliberately to install software that is too 'advanced' for the computer hardware I was working on.
I think the BSOD shows up in Windows for basically the same reason - trying to overload an older model computer with newer software (or too much software) it cannot handle.
Sorry about the whole thing not posting! Here's the rest:
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize> surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your n ether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! ! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL HERE .......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath..."
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Ramsey County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Question of the Day:
How can there be self-help groups?
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Question of the Day:
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Broken glass?
On the other hand ---- you also have five fingers.
Question of the Day:
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Question of the Day:
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
You look like a million - every day of it.
Question of the Day:
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON, HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.'
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTI ON TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. 'SEX! YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!'
Ive actually heard that before, too...
Life --- is sexually transmitted.
Question of the Day:
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Maybe the dog prefers *fresh* air??? :sillygrin:
Make you wonder what doggies consider "good" breath - probably something that smells like undercooked steak.
It is perhaps the people breath that the dog objects to, when blown in his face!
BWAHHHH!!!! :sillygrin:
what does that exactly mean?
do you lose everything? or is there hope?
They're just not blue.
Non-computer savvy people that get this error freak out because they cannot find the "any" Key. :wink: Macs have their own crash window, too...
The 'Sad' Mac crash icon disappeared with the new OS X software. Usually restarting gets you back to normal, but whatever you were just doing goes bye-bye.
I think the BSOD shows up in Windows for basically the same reason - trying to overload an older model computer with newer software (or too much software) it cannot handle.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
Question of the Day:
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize> surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your n ether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! ! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL HERE .......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Question(s) of the Day:
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we 'clean' when we use them?
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
Question(s) of the Day:
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Question(s) of the Day:
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
"Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog
Question(s) of the Day:
Why do they report power outages on TV?
He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath..."
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
    answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
    over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n): a humorous question on an exam.
 &nb sp;
12. Rectitude (n): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
       proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n): a person who sprinkles his conversation with
       Yiddishisms.
        ;
15. Frisbeetarianism (n): (back by popular demand): The belief that,
       when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
      Jewish men .
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
    bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
    little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
    getting laid.
        &nb sp;
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
    subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
    person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
   ; late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these
    really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
    like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.):< /B> The grueling event of getting through the day
      consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
      when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
      you've accidentally walked through a spider  ; web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
      bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
      the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
Question(s) of the Day:
Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?
Decafalon (n.):< /B> The grueling event of getting through the day
      consuming only things that are good for you.
and
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
hehe
 :grin:
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Make Love, Not War. (Hell, do both: Get Married)
Question(s) of the Day:
Why do scientists call it re-search when looking for something new?
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Ramsey County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Question(s) of the Day:
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Don't be afraid to talk to yourself. It's a good way to find out what you think. -- And don't start any arguments!
Question(s) of the Day:
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?
Take my advice -- I'm not using it.
Question(s) of the Day:
Instead of talking to your plants - what if you yelled at them - Would they still grow?
- Yes, but they'd grow up troubled and insecure.
No one pays attention until you make a mistrake.
Question(s) of the Day:
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I think those other pennies are the pennies you find on the ground...
My Penny's from heaven :cool: