Life is like the Internet: You begin with a logical direction, but one link leads to another and before you know it you can't remember where you were going or how to get back.
Question of the Day:
Would "C" batteries even exist but for the adult toy industry?
> The Broken Lawn Mower > > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always > right, and the other is usually the husband. > > When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept > hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I > always had something else to take care of first: the truck, > the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. > > Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. > > When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall > grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. > > I watched silently for a short time and then went into the > house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I > handed her a toothbrush. > > 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as > well sweep the driveway.' > > The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly . Peter, Peter, something or other.."
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex!
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
If you go by the captions, I think they got the sexes mixed up on that silverware. I'd think most guys would prefer a good forking over spooning any day of the week.
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said,' That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in Warroad,Minnesota and I worked both sides of Lake Of The Woods.'
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
Question of the Day:
I'm out of bed and dressed; What more do you want?
 :sillygrin: :wink:
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Question of the Day:
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
Something extra to think about:
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Another stray thought:
Consecutive stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
I have both a poster and a mirror with that saying on it hanging in my game room
and no, Homer is not smart, he drinks beer not makes it.
I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
Question of the Day:
As they fall asleep at night, do farmers count sheep ... differently?
Doors don't open themselves. Well, electric ones do, but that ruins the saying.
Question of the Day:
Is it time to rename the "glove compartment" the "gun compartment"?
   1. Innovative
   2. Preliminary
   3. Proliferation
   4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
   1. Specificity
   2. Aluminum Can
   3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
   1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
   2. Nope, no more beer for me.
   3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
   4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
   5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Thank God for science.
Question of the Day:
Why do we say "eats like a bird" when every day a bird eats its own weight in food?
Time used to fly; now it's afraid of terrorists.
Question of the Day:
What is Denny's like when you're sober?
does Denny's actually exist, when you're sober?
I want to be the most non-competitive person in the world.
Question of the Day:
If you have to ask if her boobs are real -- does it really matter?
this guy is a joke...
Men are like coolers ... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Question of the Day:
What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in common?
Answer:
Both were intended for children, but it's the father who plays with them.
heh
We ridicule the homeless, but we're the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.
Question of the Day:
Why do they call it weed when it's so hard to grow?
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't drown it without taking grief from PETA.
Question of the Day:
When you leave a brothel, do they thank you for coming?
Maybe 50% of marriages end in divorce because 30% begin in pregnancy.
Question of the Day:
Why not making hockey more interesting and use a white puck?
Every once in a while, when you're feeling good and the time is right ... buy yourself the expensive toilet paper.
Question of the Day:
What's the point in asking someone if they lie?
Dory: IT WAVES!
Life is like the Internet: You begin with a logical direction, but one link leads to another and before you know it you can't remember where you were going or how to get back.
Question of the Day:
Would "C" batteries even exist but for the adult toy industry?
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly . Peter, Peter, something or other.."
_______________________________________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
_______________________________________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
_________________________________________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
________________________________________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex!
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get sh*tty ideas from.
Question of the Day:
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog? A. Where you left it.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Question of the Day:
Does the remote control go? Inside the dinner knife or outside the soup spoon?
Chinese skywriters must get especially dizzy.
Question of the Day:
Does an angel get its wings at the end of every round of boxing?
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said,' That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in Warroad,Minnesota and I worked both sides of Lake Of The Woods.'
Line of the Day:
If you can't spell vasectomy, you may need one.
Question of the Day:
What style do missionary dogs use?
and kids :wink: :smile:
"not kid friendly"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nojWJ6-XmeQ