Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders
mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
His heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
and he replied ' Well, no dear, both of them are called Daddy
Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having
any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'
Did you hear about the Wisconsin teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "....These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots.My Mom made me wear'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,"....Now, where are your mittens?"
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Wait for it)
...... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a CamoCrew member were at a Rochester golf coarse waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The guy from the CamoCrew fumed, 'What's with those jerks? Were waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'
The guy from the CamoCrew said, 'Why can't they f- - kin' play at night?
A Viking fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Packer fans?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Packer fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Packer fan, and the guy sitting next ot him is 6'5" 280 pounds and he's a packer fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The Viking fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Along with the coffee pots and monogrammed towels? :wink:
They can KEEP the TV remote though - the amount of germs that end up on those things is almost as bad as the holes in a lane-owned bowling ball...
My wife's father was a depression-era kid who was a hopeless pack rat. Never threw ANYTHING away. I catch my wife from time to time bringing home those mini soaps and shampoos from hotels - even though there are already 2-3 bottles stashed in our bathroom somewhere. Just cuz its free doesn't mean you NEED to take them!
Anyone here haul a pile of crap home from the State Fair - just cuz it was FREE?
There's nothing like the love of a good woman ... except, of course, the love of a bad woman.
Question of the Day:
Did anyone else enjoy the irony of a "Flintstones Christmas Special"?
If you can't get the Visine into your eyes, it's probably time to put away the bong.
Question of the Day:
At a concert, the front row is where you'll find the cocaine. Shouldn't that be the nose bleed section?
mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
His heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
and he replied ' Well, no dear, both of them are called Daddy
Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having
any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'
At least the Home Shopping Network doesn't have commercials.
Question of the Day:
Is it time to have a telethon for -- Jerry Lewis?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "....These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots.My Mom made me wear'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,"....Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
George Bush believes in a literal translation of the Bible. He has, however, changed his views about Santa Claus.
Question of the Day:
If God made the Earth for man, how come there's so much water?
It's good to be spontaneous if you can work it into your schedule.
Question of the Day:
Is it possible to flush without looking?
In loving memory of SNOT, another groaner joke...
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Wait for it)
...... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Maybe kings would slim down if they started eating regular-size candy bars.
Question of the Day:
If we're not supposed to have pillow fights - why do they call 'em throw pillows?
rolls eyes
heh
For every great musician, there was a next-door neighbor who said, "Man, I wish that guy would shut up."
Question of the Day:
Why do we call it 'high' school? Because everyone's stoned?
McDonalds is cheap -- until you factor in medical expenses.
Question of the Day:
At what point will we develop solar energy? When Exxon owns the sun?
Never make an assumption. It makes an ass out of you and mumption.
Question of the Day:
Do dyslexics have the right to arm bears?
Even our best friends -- are edible.
Question of the Day:
Why do we say "heads up" when we mean "duck"?
Some people aren't officially angry until everyone knows about it.
Question of the Day:
Do you ever just get the urge to double-click something?
I'm not sure exactly what I want to say here, but you can be sure that it is naughty! :sheepish: :sillygrin: :lipsealed: :goofy:
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
is that a maybe or a willbe, cuz if its the latter i gotta go have an operation done. :smile:
Why are your boobs on your back?'
Well,' says the camel,
I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose wiener is on his face.
What is round on both ends and hi in the middle?
O - hi - O
If someone makes you a free offer - don't buy it.
Question of the Day:
Do we call it Generation X because everyone's divorced?
(well, not EVERY one...) :wink:
Reporting in front of the White House gives credibility to whatever you say.
Question of the Day:
Can you chop UP a tree that's already been chopped DOWN?
Pac-Man is a lot like life: A little guy consuming as much as possible before being cornered by his demons.
Question of the Day:
Why doesn't Nike come out with a condom? They've already got the slogan.
The guy from the CamoCrew fumed, 'What's with those jerks? Were waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'
The guy from the CamoCrew said, 'Why can't they f- - kin' play at night?
the courage to change the things that I can,
and the kind of money where I don't really care either way.
Monday is a cruel thing to do to your weekend.
Question of the Day:
Why does it say "Dodge" on the BACK of the car? Isn't it too late by then?
Catholics can do anything they want -- so long as they feel guilty afterward.
Question of the Day:
Is it illegal to make out with your wife - while the cop writes your ticket?
They can both sell out the Metrodome and they can both make you hang your head and say "Jesus Christ"!
:coolfrown:
Buses WILL drive you directly to your doorstep -- but you have ask with a gun.
Question of the Day:
If mothers all kept their maiden names - wouldn't that topple Internet security?
You are what you read. (Scary thought, ain't it?)
Question of the Day:
Why can't men be sluts? (We're so good at it.)
It only SEEMS like it would be funny to enter a bank wearing a ski mask.
Question of the Day:
 Is it a sin to steal a Bible?
They can KEEP the TV remote though - the amount of germs that end up on those things is almost as bad as the holes in a lane-owned bowling ball...
My wife's father was a depression-era kid who was a hopeless pack rat. Never threw ANYTHING away. I catch my wife from time to time bringing home those mini soaps and shampoos from hotels - even though there are already 2-3 bottles stashed in our bathroom somewhere. Just cuz its free doesn't mean you NEED to take them!
Anyone here haul a pile of crap home from the State Fair - just cuz it was FREE?
Hey I got free toothpaste this year, at least it's a consumable product.
The friend I'm staying with this week gave me an item she got free at the State Fair this year.
It is a foldable mesh grocery bag that says www.REDUCE.org.
I couldn't resist - I asked her if it was a reduce bag.