BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
SARAH PALIN: Where's MY gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RNC Protestor: The chicken is yet another immigrant forced into a risky journey to the other side by desperate economic conditions bred by rampant globalization.
Treehugger protestors: This is yet more evidence that global warming is causing increased chicken crossings, melting glaciers, rising sea levels, stronger hurricanes, and increased ice cream sales.
RNC welcoming committee: The fact that we do not know why the chicken crossed the road is a scandal. The reasons for chicken crossings, which affect us all, must be published and verified in a process involving all stakeholders.
ECONOMIST: We have undertaken a spectral deviation cross sectional double least squares analysis of chicken crossings over the period 1971 to 2004 (the most recent year for which data are available). Our conclusion is that in at least 95% of cases the chicken crossed the road because it wanted to get to the other side. Our study has avoided the data biases associated with the Henn and Pecking study (Journal of Poultry Dynamics, November 1996), since we have adjusted for the number of chickens that did not successfully complete the crossing due to encounters with large vehicles. We have applied for a further grant from the Poultry Economics Trust Fund to develop a Chicken Crossing Motives Index, based upon a survey of expert chicken crossing observers in 22 countries.
There’s an inconvenience factor for the chicken there, and if it's going to uproot it's life, then let’s hopefully make a real big dent in what it means to be on the other side of the road.”
That is why I am here, because that chicken is the only one in this who understands that. That before we can work on the problems, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation.
“For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of that chicken,”
MARK WALBERG: ...."Hey chicken, hows it hangin'? Lot o people want to eat you but I just want to talk to you, ok. We should do a film together. What do you think? Chicken I'm not joking around ok. This is the real thing I mean this could be huge. Alright. Well think about it. Say hi to your mom for me. Alright...."
"You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? The truth is out there"
HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
GILLIGAN:
The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail - the chicken would be lost.
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws road crossings from chickens forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. ' Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kitch and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
My favorite is those peanut butter taffy things wrapped in black and orange paper.. I almost bought a bag today, but then I realized I'd be the only one eating them.
“Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.” - Kathleen Mifsud
"Denny Crane, President" would be a hard sell for traditionalists. I don't think Denny Crane would agree to be President, once he found out they always announce the office BEFORE the name. Bring it on! LOL :goofy:
Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!
Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
LMAO I added it like 10 times and was getting ready to tell you just what i thought of your little math question, decided to be safe and use the calculator...I'll be darned it was right...I got 3 right anyways.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
SARAH PALIN: Where's MY gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Did I miss one?
Treehugger protestors: This is yet more evidence that global warming is causing increased chicken crossings, melting glaciers, rising sea levels, stronger hurricanes, and increased ice cream sales.
RNC welcoming committee: The fact that we do not know why the chicken crossed the road is a scandal. The reasons for chicken crossings, which affect us all, must be published and verified in a process involving all stakeholders.
ECONOMIST: We have undertaken a spectral deviation cross sectional double least squares analysis of chicken crossings over the period 1971 to 2004 (the most recent year for which data are available). Our conclusion is that in at least 95% of cases the chicken crossed the road because it wanted to get to the other side. Our study has avoided the data biases associated with the Henn and Pecking study (Journal of Poultry Dynamics, November 1996), since we have adjusted for the number of chickens that did not successfully complete the crossing due to encounters with large vehicles. We have applied for a further grant from the Poultry Economics Trust Fund to develop a Chicken Crossing Motives Index, based upon a survey of expert chicken crossing observers in 22 countries.
There’s an inconvenience factor for the chicken there, and if it's going to uproot it's life, then let’s hopefully make a real big dent in what it means to be on the other side of the road.”
That is why I am here, because that chicken is the only one in this who understands that. That before we can work on the problems, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation.
“For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of that chicken,”
just because I stumbled accross an awesome site...
the first of many:
your daily Chuck Norris fact:
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/mark-wahlberg-talks-to-animals/727504/
:goofy:
"You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? The truth is out there"
HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
GILLIGAN:
The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail - the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws road crossings from chickens forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
And so, my fellow americans: ask not how the chicken can cross the road - ask how the road can be crossed by the chicken.
A lot of educated people are morons.
Question of the Day:
How come trick-or-treaters never settle for a trick?
(especially the ladies in the slutty nurse outfits)
I think I was hooked on pot... but I can't remember.
Question of the Day:
Did lawyers create legal-sized paper because they're not already a big enough pain in the ass?
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Hookers can really suck the money out of you.
Question of the Day:
We hang pictures of food in the kitchen. Why not porn in the bedroom?
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. ' Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kitch and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
http://i100.photobucket.com/albums/m26/blickers_2006/oral_sex.jpg :smile:
careful at work
Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $350.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $150.00
Putting you & your girlfriends photo on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS
I'm not spoiled -- I just smell that way.
Question of the Day:
If you eat lots of alphabet soup, will you have more vowel movements?
Seasonal Add-On Question of the Day:
Pumpkins are ugly, foul-tasting, and filled with slime. Why do we call our loved ones "pumpkin"?
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
or so good I reposted it :smile: with the real name :wink:
I did see a bag and bought them, because this is the only time of year I see em :smile:
I just threw a few of those in the trash...
Line of the Day:
“Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.” - Kathleen Mifsud
Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.
Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.
They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )
First Question :
You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<
Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?
Scroll down for the correct answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100 ..
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it ?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...
Fourth Question
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene,
3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!
Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!
PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Or is It just a moosedemeanor.....
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”