I am so sorry to hear this. You must be just in shock about now. I hope you are able to get an agreement for counseling so you can try to get some answers.
I'm not sure what Minnesota divorce law is, but if you have no children and the wife wants the divorce, why do you have to leave the house and she gets to stay?
I hope she changes her mind about counseling. I remember you talking about your church. Would she be willing to talk to your pastor?
Forgive me if I don't give any extra details - suffice it to say I AM still in shock and am trying to deal. The only thing I can do right now is work on Plan B. I'm probably going to go over to North Valley Disc Golfing this afternoon to burn off some steam. It's too nice a day to stay inside and feel sorry for myself.
Understood. Only reason why I asked is so we can help you find a place - some places take pets and some don't. It's obvious how much you love the dog so getting a pet friendly place seems paramount.
Nothing like being gang raped. What a sad way to do it. Unless you beat the woman I don't see why this couldn't have been done in private between the two of you. And since she has all this support maybe she should be the one finding a place to go. Sorry about the crap dumped on you dude. I thought you two were in good shape as well. :frown:
I talked to Dan for a bit yesterday. The good news is he was able to arrange a place to stay if it comes to that; he also was able to speak to a lawyer to protect his rights if it came to that as well - he's not sure if it will, but at least he's thinking in the right ways, both positive and tactically. Here's hoping it will all get worked out for the best for all involved.
very good point, mike. so for the record, the advice is don't leave the house until after you've talked with a lawyer and cleared it that it's safe to do so. otherwise, i like the idea that if she wants out, she should get out.
Not trying to poke fun, but I'm already starting to get cynical about 'advice' since damn near everyone has some. Mom just sent me over a grocery list of things to say/not say to the Mrs about three pages long.
Every phone call she has made to me since sounds like she's reading from a script, and probably is. The hard part is that I know she is definitely not coordinated enough to do this on her own, and somebody has a hand up her ass right now pulling strings.
But a lot of us have been there, done that, and I think the overall message is to get your lawyer's advice about this kind of stuff, so you don't find yourself screwed even worse later on.
The stuff previously nice and rational people do (especially when they are being manipulated, as it sounds like she probably is) just makes my jaw drop.
Geo was lucky his ex had no filter, and she actually told people she was going to lure him over to get his stuff, then call the cops, saying he had attacked her. He got word, and took the cops WITH him! Since he used to testify for the local cops in pharmacy fraud cases, they knew him well and were glad to accompany him.
If it were me (and it was, once upon a time) I'd be proactive, watch my back, and get witnesses to be present for any encounters. Document, document, document. Dates, times, circumstances, quotes.
I often complain about my girlfriend to some of my friends and in their eyes, she must be the worst girlfriend in the world because all they ever hear is the bad stuff. Conversely I've had people complain to me about their significant others and it makes me wonder why they stay with them. But of course the other person doesn't really get the whole story as they're not usually told about the good parts.
If I had to make a guess as to what's going on, it's that your wife probably was complaining about you to someone and maybe there were some legitimate things to complain about (there are in any relationship). Perhaps this person (or group of people) formed an incomplete picture of the relationship and then convinced her that she needed to get out of it as a result. My advice then would be to find out if this is really what SHE wants, or is it just what other people have convinced her she should do based on incomplete information. It's quite possible that with the reality of it now setting in, she may be having some regrets about letting it go so far.
your wife probably was complaining about you to someone and maybe there were some legitimate things to complain about (there are in any relationship). Perhaps this person (or group of people) formed an incomplete picture of the relationship and then convinced her that she needed to get out of it as a result.
Bingo. Namely her close (and over-protective) family. She's the youngest of seven kids and all the siblings live within minutes of our house. I'm sure only a few of them are guilty of this crime, but I have to consider them ALL guilty of not telling me anything was wrong.
My advice then would be to find out if this is really what SHE wants, or is it just what other people have convinced her she should do based on incomplete information. It's quite possible that with the reality of it now setting in, she may be having some regrets about letting it go so far.
Bingo again. We've got an appointment to talk with a professional. If she's a no-show, or if she brings her lawyer or other family member in tow, I have my answer.
Bingo again. We've got an appointment to talk with a professional. If she's a no-show, or if she brings her lawyer or other family member in tow, I have my answer.
depending on the professional, you may have veto power over whether or not said person can be in on the session. hipaa and all that. of course, like you said, if that happens, then you'll know.
I agree with this.... sleep on the couch or another bedroom in the house.
If you don't go back right away and you decide to stay away and this goes to court be prepared for the judge to ask why you moved out so quickly. I think I would claim shock and loss and I just didn't know what to do.
my problem was/is that I trusted my x too much NOT to do something so vindictive. And as for advice, I agree, most of us have been there... take it from the people who have been through it.
The thing about getting advice from your lawyer... mine was/is emotionless as they are supposed to be to look out for your best interest HOWEVER, they are also NOT in your shoes and DO NOT know both parties personally and treat ALL CASES as a business transaction. So the first meeting will probably be free and seem as if they care and have heard it all ... if I want advice now, Im afraid to call because I know I will get billed for every minute and if I talk for 10 minutes I'm billed for a quarter of an hour. I don't know usually what it is I'm trying to ask because I don't know what is truely best for everyone involved.
So have your questions written down before calling and talking with a lawyer every time. I wish I had a family member as my lawyer who knew me and my x to know what was legally and non legally best for all of us.
hugs maddog -
there are different feelings on this topic ~ I'm sure TMK AND East Side Digger may chime in with a mans view ~ as I'm interested in the guys side of things as well. Personally I have not heard the men fighting to hang on... it seems that once the woman says it's over things are just over. cut and dry and no emotion. ??? or maybe it is just not showing. Not that it needs to, this is a personal private topic but there are some in need of advice and/or stories.
I agree with you AW about friends not always seeing the good with the bad. Maddog has always spoke of his sweetheart in high standards around me.
I think some women say they want a divorce when what they really want is the attention of the man and realize there is a problem for her.
We have to take driving classes but we really arn't required to take partner classes.
I am sorry to any of my friends for anytime I complained about Mark in any way that would make you dislike him. He was and is a good guy! Bottom line, I tried like hell for years, in the end...we didn't bring out the good in eachother, among other really deep things that are kept between he and I. I will always have a place for him in my heart. I appreciate you listening to my happinesses and frustrations... I now have an amazing best friend that makes me feel high every day. yes, cluey, it's you :wink:
2 Tickets to Barenaked Ladies Concert - Monday Night (May 17th) at the Orpheum
Floor seats on an aisle about 1/2 way back
– Got no "date" (obviously)
- Got a charitable fundraiser I could donate them to on Sunday, but who would bid on tickets for something that is the very NEXT evening or they are worthless?
I was able to sell tickets to the DQ Sports event at UofM on a Saturday morning Silent Auction and the only date the tickets were still good was that Sunday...
So Yes - if you wanted to donate someone would bid on them...
And you can claim the deduction on your taxes for the donation.
We need a couple more able-bodied Men for Tuesday Night Men's League Softball in Woodbury
Two games every Tuesday - Double-header style one after the other - Main softball diamonds at the Wdby Bielenberg Sports complex. Times are usually 6:15 and 7:15 for early games, and 8:15 and 9:15 for late games. Fairly competitive.
Ray-Js is our sponsor and we usually go there after games to drown our losses/bask in victories.
Buddy of mine has had a drinking problem for years. He's always said that his wife and he had a bad relationship. A few months ago he told me he cheated on her. I told him I didn't want to know anything about it and to keep me away from it.
A week ago last Thursday night he calls, drunk, says the wife has read his e-mails and found about the affair.
A week ago last Friday his wife calls me, tells me that he's continued the affair for months, and the affair-ee was actually with her boss's wife. She works in a company of 10 people, so it's sort of known what's going on in everybody's life. She asks me to join an intervention. I can't because i'm in LaCrosse, but I get home about 2 hours into the intervention. She calls and says he'll go if I take him. So I go over, he's hammered beyond belief, and says he won't go until he can talk to his son in person. Son is 4. Everybody says no. He starts throwing things. I tell him to stop. He challenges me to a fight. My forearm explains to him that that is a bad idea. He starts crying madly and agrees to go.
In the car, 1/2 way to detox, he says politely, "Do you have a piece of gum?" I say sure and give him one. He starts chewing the gum, then takes some pills from his pocket, wraps them in the wrapper, then pulls down his pants (while I'm driving) and sticks the package in his ass.
The next day he calls from detox and asks me to call the girlfriend and let her know where he is. I say no.
The next day he calls from detox and asks me to get a message to her. i say no. he begs, then says "let the adults handle the adult problem."
Meanwhile, his very nice wife has told me that her only focus right now is to get him healthy, and seeing the girlfriend is counterproductive since she tried to commit suicide the night before he went into detox. It's at this point in my story I start thinking about the two guys who dress up as insane clowns as "the normal friends."
I told him time and time again that I didn't want to help him get in contact, that his wife was moving heaven and earth to help him and he should focus on that. Yesterday I finally tattled to the wife. Turns out he'd been begging her for reconciliation and also asking me to get him in touch with the girlfriend.
He was not pleased with my actions. Told me to stay away from his house otherwise he's going to sue and said I can't keep him away from his true love (girlfriend.) OH! He's at hazelden right now. His wife paid cash for him to be there. $30,000. And he wants the dang girl?
(Fortunately any contact I have had with his wife has been with other people, never alone.)
Anyway, I'm sure I did the right thing, but I'm always open to suggestions.
no, you definitely did the right thing, bear. if he wants to be with the g/f, that's fine, but he's got to deal with problems like that one at a time. in his state he sounds like he's not capable of making a rational decision.
She should have had him committed to a treatment facility lesser than Hazelden for the first time since it'll just be a waste of money this early in the game.
And who's the girlfriend> I might know someone who might need one soon anyway. :litesmile:
He will fail. That's how the game goes the first time through. That is the life of an alcoholic. If it's his first time it is a total waste of money putting him in a place as nice as Hazelden. Been there done that.
But as TV says, I truly hope he sobers up and sees the light early on. It's a destructive road.
Actually CM, I know at least three people who stayed sober after the first time through, my dad included. For him it was that he was so miserable going through the withdrawal that he said he never wanted to be that miserable again so he stayed clean.
I know it doesn't always take the first time, but it can.
Hopefully you guys can work it out. I've been hearing way too much about divorces lately.
I'm not sure what Minnesota divorce law is, but if you have no children and the wife wants the divorce, why do you have to leave the house and she gets to stay?
I hope she changes her mind about counseling. I remember you talking about your church. Would she be willing to talk to your pastor?
I can't believe what I just read! Maddog man, ::shakes head::
I thought everything was great between you two, you always speak of her in a loving wonderful way I would never think this!
I AM TERRIBLY SORRY ~ from experience....it's one of the worst feelings in the world!!! BIG HUG!!!!!
wth happened?
Every phone call she has made to me since sounds like she's reading from a script, and probably is. The hard part is that I know she is definitely not coordinated enough to do this on her own, and somebody has a hand up her ass right now pulling strings.
But a lot of us have been there, done that, and I think the overall message is to get your lawyer's advice about this kind of stuff, so you don't find yourself screwed even worse later on.
The stuff previously nice and rational people do (especially when they are being manipulated, as it sounds like she probably is) just makes my jaw drop.
Geo was lucky his ex had no filter, and she actually told people she was going to lure him over to get his stuff, then call the cops, saying he had attacked her. He got word, and took the cops WITH him! Since he used to testify for the local cops in pharmacy fraud cases, they knew him well and were glad to accompany him.
If it were me (and it was, once upon a time) I'd be proactive, watch my back, and get witnesses to be present for any encounters. Document, document, document. Dates, times, circumstances, quotes.
Maybe that's an area where you needed some improvement? :eek: :wink: :smile:
You gotta pay double for that in Beverly Hills.
If I had to make a guess as to what's going on, it's that your wife probably was complaining about you to someone and maybe there were some legitimate things to complain about (there are in any relationship). Perhaps this person (or group of people) formed an incomplete picture of the relationship and then convinced her that she needed to get out of it as a result. My advice then would be to find out if this is really what SHE wants, or is it just what other people have convinced her she should do based on incomplete information. It's quite possible that with the reality of it now setting in, she may be having some regrets about letting it go so far.
damn fine point though. definitely something to think about. at the same time, if she's hell bent on doing this, there's not much you can do about it.
Bingo. Namely her close (and over-protective) family. She's the youngest of seven kids and all the siblings live within minutes of our house. I'm sure only a few of them are guilty of this crime, but I have to consider them ALL guilty of not telling me anything was wrong.
My advice then would be to find out if this is really what SHE wants, or is it just what other people have convinced her she should do based on incomplete information. It's quite possible that with the reality of it now setting in, she may be having some regrets about letting it go so far.
Bingo again. We've got an appointment to talk with a professional. If she's a no-show, or if she brings her lawyer or other family member in tow, I have my answer.
depending on the professional, you may have veto power over whether or not said person can be in on the session. hipaa and all that. of course, like you said, if that happens, then you'll know.
Just trying to lighten the mood for ya bro. It would be her loss. Don't forget it.
If you don't go back right away and you decide to stay away and this goes to court be prepared for the judge to ask why you moved out so quickly. I think I would claim shock and loss and I just didn't know what to do.
The thing about getting advice from your lawyer... mine was/is emotionless as they are supposed to be to look out for your best interest HOWEVER, they are also NOT in your shoes and DO NOT know both parties personally and treat ALL CASES as a business transaction. So the first meeting will probably be free and seem as if they care and have heard it all ... if I want advice now, Im afraid to call because I know I will get billed for every minute and if I talk for 10 minutes I'm billed for a quarter of an hour. I don't know usually what it is I'm trying to ask because I don't know what is truely best for everyone involved.
So have your questions written down before calling and talking with a lawyer every time. I wish I had a family member as my lawyer who knew me and my x to know what was legally and non legally best for all of us.
hugs maddog -
there are different feelings on this topic ~ I'm sure TMK AND East Side Digger may chime in with a mans view ~ as I'm interested in the guys side of things as well. Personally I have not heard the men fighting to hang on... it seems that once the woman says it's over things are just over. cut and dry and no emotion. ??? or maybe it is just not showing. Not that it needs to, this is a personal private topic but there are some in need of advice and/or stories.
Anyone have any?
I think some women say they want a divorce when what they really want is the attention of the man and realize there is a problem for her.
We have to take driving classes but we really arn't required to take partner classes.
I am sorry to any of my friends for anytime I complained about Mark in any way that would make you dislike him. He was and is a good guy! Bottom line, I tried like hell for years, in the end...we didn't bring out the good in eachother, among other really deep things that are kept between he and I. I will always have a place for him in my heart. I appreciate you listening to my happinesses and frustrations... I now have an amazing best friend that makes me feel high every day. yes, cluey, it's you :wink:
Shhhhhh - Marley's gonna wonder where his cut is :cool:
tyl
2 Tickets to Barenaked Ladies Concert - Monday Night (May 17th) at the Orpheum
Floor seats on an aisle about 1/2 way back
– Got no "date" (obviously)
- Got a charitable fundraiser I could donate them to on Sunday, but who would bid on tickets for something that is the very NEXT evening or they are worthless?
- $50 a seat - cost me $130 with fees
So Yes - if you wanted to donate someone would bid on them...
And you can claim the deduction on your taxes for the donation.
Two games every Tuesday - Double-header style one after the other - Main softball diamonds at the Wdby Bielenberg Sports complex. Times are usually 6:15 and 7:15 for early games, and 8:15 and 9:15 for late games. Fairly competitive.
Ray-Js is our sponsor and we usually go there after games to drown our losses/bask in victories.
Derek is team captain - send him an e-mail at: derekjohnson12@msn.com
Buddy of mine has had a drinking problem for years. He's always said that his wife and he had a bad relationship. A few months ago he told me he cheated on her. I told him I didn't want to know anything about it and to keep me away from it.
A week ago last Thursday night he calls, drunk, says the wife has read his e-mails and found about the affair.
A week ago last Friday his wife calls me, tells me that he's continued the affair for months, and the affair-ee was actually with her boss's wife. She works in a company of 10 people, so it's sort of known what's going on in everybody's life. She asks me to join an intervention. I can't because i'm in LaCrosse, but I get home about 2 hours into the intervention. She calls and says he'll go if I take him. So I go over, he's hammered beyond belief, and says he won't go until he can talk to his son in person. Son is 4. Everybody says no. He starts throwing things. I tell him to stop. He challenges me to a fight. My forearm explains to him that that is a bad idea. He starts crying madly and agrees to go.
In the car, 1/2 way to detox, he says politely, "Do you have a piece of gum?" I say sure and give him one. He starts chewing the gum, then takes some pills from his pocket, wraps them in the wrapper, then pulls down his pants (while I'm driving) and sticks the package in his ass.
The next day he calls from detox and asks me to call the girlfriend and let her know where he is. I say no.
The next day he calls from detox and asks me to get a message to her. i say no. he begs, then says "let the adults handle the adult problem."
Meanwhile, his very nice wife has told me that her only focus right now is to get him healthy, and seeing the girlfriend is counterproductive since she tried to commit suicide the night before he went into detox. It's at this point in my story I start thinking about the two guys who dress up as insane clowns as "the normal friends."
I told him time and time again that I didn't want to help him get in contact, that his wife was moving heaven and earth to help him and he should focus on that. Yesterday I finally tattled to the wife. Turns out he'd been begging her for reconciliation and also asking me to get him in touch with the girlfriend.
He was not pleased with my actions. Told me to stay away from his house otherwise he's going to sue and said I can't keep him away from his true love (girlfriend.) OH! He's at hazelden right now. His wife paid cash for him to be there. $30,000. And he wants the dang girl?
(Fortunately any contact I have had with his wife has been with other people, never alone.)
Anyway, I'm sure I did the right thing, but I'm always open to suggestions.
And who's the girlfriend> I might know someone who might need one soon anyway. :litesmile:
You did fine Bear. Great story writing as well.
His wife obviously cares deeply about him. I hope he sobers up, wises up, and makes better choices for himself and his family.
But as TV says, I truly hope he sobers up and sees the light early on. It's a destructive road.
I know it doesn't always take the first time, but it can.
that is very hard to stand up to. physically and mentally.
She better put that $30 grand on the home equity and take it out of his hide at the divorce.