got this in an e-mail, thought it was funny (even though I dont hit that age, til march)
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
Uphill...
Barefoot...
BOTH
waysÂ… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my
kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
 But now, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen!
  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps
were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission
to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the
DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
 There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..
 We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished,
and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause,
hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house,
you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had
to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think
of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And
then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You
kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection
agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!
 And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just
like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You
had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world
coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.
 Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if
you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom t hr ew you in the back seat and
you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm"
across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly,
and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for
calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See!
 That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have
got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't
have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
There is no logic in the Pioneer Press. Somehow this has gotten beyond funny so it's going in the jokes thread.
Yesterday we got the PiPress newspaper delivered to the top - not inside - our newspaper box. Today the PiPress was delivered to our front step. Note that neither time it was in the box. Our next door neighbors with the same box had theirs delivered in their box.
We never ordered a paper. I don't want the paper delivered for the simple reason they can't seem to deliver it where it's supposed to go.
So how did we get the paper in the first place? The same way we got it last time.
Someone by the name of Tyrone ordered and paid for the paper with our address attached - for the second time in the past few months. Either Tyrone doesn't know where the H he lives, or someone at the PiPress has poor hearing.
The first time this happened, the representative at the PiPress told us don't you want it? It's already paid for. So if Tyrone were to come looking for his paper at our place, that would not be too smart to tell him we were just taking advantage of his not knowing where he lives.
Today the PiPress just said they would stop the delivery.
Terry, some people don't know their addresses. There's a four-plex with the same address number only South instead of North. I get their mail all the time. This winter they advertised a vacancy in the paper using my address. I had five different people knock on my door asking about the apartment for rent.
But the worst was when I came home one evening and when I walked in my back door I heard voices in the house. I called out hello thinking it might be someone in my family and walked into the living room to find strangers checking out the "rental". Freaked me out that anyone would actually just walk into someone's house when the door wasn't answered.
And I can't even begin to count how many pizza deliveries have been misdirected to my house.
What's weird is we don't have an east or west to our address. We are the only one with this address and we've had it since 1980. I suspect whoever Tyrone is, has given them the wrong street name or the PiPress isn't understanding the address. They must understand the credit card number though he's giving them.
Being this has happened in the not so distant past, I suspect that Tyrone has an accent that the subscription people can't understand. This neighborhood is very diverse with many different first languages not being English.
The oddest part to me is that the delivery person who also delivers next door can't get the paper in our box, but gets in the neighbors same box every time. The fact he put it on top of the box once this time is truly weird. That was a first.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the shit out of them."
A man was stopped by a game-warden recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
Uphill...
Barefoot...
BOTH
waysÂ… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my
kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
 But now, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
with a pen!
  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps
were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission
to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the
DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
 There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..
 We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished,
and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause,
hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house,
you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had
to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think
of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And
then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You
kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection
agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!
 And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just
like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You
had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world
coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.
 Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if
you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom t hr ew you in the back seat and
you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm"
across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly,
and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for
calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See!
 That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have
got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't
have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards,
 The Over 30 Crowd
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
ThenSister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirtyÂ…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â… Say two Hail Marys!
Yesterday we got the PiPress newspaper delivered to the top - not inside - our newspaper box. Today the PiPress was delivered to our front step. Note that neither time it was in the box. Our next door neighbors with the same box had theirs delivered in their box.
We never ordered a paper. I don't want the paper delivered for the simple reason they can't seem to deliver it where it's supposed to go.
So how did we get the paper in the first place? The same way we got it last time.
Someone by the name of Tyrone ordered and paid for the paper with our address attached - for the second time in the past few months. Either Tyrone doesn't know where the H he lives, or someone at the PiPress has poor hearing.
The first time this happened, the representative at the PiPress told us don't you want it? It's already paid for. So if Tyrone were to come looking for his paper at our place, that would not be too smart to tell him we were just taking advantage of his not knowing where he lives.
Today the PiPress just said they would stop the delivery.
This has got to be a joke, right?
But the worst was when I came home one evening and when I walked in my back door I heard voices in the house. I called out hello thinking it might be someone in my family and walked into the living room to find strangers checking out the "rental". Freaked me out that anyone would actually just walk into someone's house when the door wasn't answered.
And I can't even begin to count how many pizza deliveries have been misdirected to my house.
What's weird is we don't have an east or west to our address. We are the only one with this address and we've had it since 1980. I suspect whoever Tyrone is, has given them the wrong street name or the PiPress isn't understanding the address. They must understand the credit card number though he's giving them.
Being this has happened in the not so distant past, I suspect that Tyrone has an accent that the subscription people can't understand. This neighborhood is very diverse with many different first languages not being English.
The oddest part to me is that the delivery person who also delivers next door can't get the paper in our box, but gets in the neighbors same box every time. The fact he put it on top of the box once this time is truly weird. That was a first.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the shit out of them."
Now you know.
Today we received the bill for Tyrone's paper at our address.
Stop the insanity! :eek:
or i was severely intoxicated.
street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags
was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal
it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It
used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not
make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time
some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and
say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays!"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.
Somebody said there's a naked woman in this picture. I have no idea what they are talking about...
The husband called her 10 best friends and none of them had seen her for a few days.
A man stays out all night. When he gets home he tells his wife he stayed over at a friend's house.
The wife calls his 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed he was there all night, and 2 of them said he was still there sleeping.
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'