Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three Old Ladies at the Ballgame.............
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Twins baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information above, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it......
Answer: It's bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
Best Little Convent in Texas    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..... It reads:    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES  He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought...... Soon he sees another sign, which says:      SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES  Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:     SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT  His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:     SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS  He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".... He
answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."..... "Very well, my son. Please follow me." .... Â The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"............. Â He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door..... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.... As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Â Â Â GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
someone e-mailed this to me, pretty funny considering all the crap my kids have been pulling lately :)
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
After having their eleventh child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi.
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Abilene, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Oklahoma City. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Fort Worth for the livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
As the saying goes "be careful what you wish for....".
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
 God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The next morning sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies  and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.  At  4:30 P.M. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.  At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.  The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us  trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.
Two hillbillies walked into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, >they talked about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a >woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. >After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. > >One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" > >The woman shakes her head no. > >"Kin ya breathe? > >" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. > >The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of >her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right >butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked >that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of >her mouth. > >As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly >back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that >there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but I ain't never seed nobody do it >
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water. "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too.
The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We ! will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because! of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?
oh geeesh- ;)
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three Old Ladies at the Ballgame.............
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Twins baseball
game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely,
mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the
bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information above, what inning is it and how many
players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it......
Answer: It's bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
| |
Type these words in Google: weapons of mass destruction
Click on "I'm feeling lucky"
Enjoy the resulting page - be sure to read it carefully and follow any links.
Someone at Google has a great sense of humor!
That's great!!
for those that don't like cats:
http://www.tyresmoke.net/albums/general/Evil_Twin_Cat.mpg
poor kitty!
Best Little Convent in Texas
   A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye.....
It reads:
   SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
 He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought...... Soon he sees another sign, which says:
     SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
 Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
    SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
 His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:
    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".... He
answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing
business."..... "Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....
 The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock
on this
door".............
 He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door..... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then
go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets
$100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup..... He trots
eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him....
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing
another small sign:
   GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
convents, nuns and 69's -now thats a joke! ;)
someone e-mailed this to me, pretty funny considering all the crap my kids have been pulling lately :)
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
as soon as God said not to touch it ---my thought was that if you say don't touch it, they will!
It goes with our recent theory if you want them to stay out of the caves then why even tell them that the caves are even there?
"STAY OUT OF THE CAVES!"
sooo they go in anyway ---what did our parents/the government expect?
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
first, its not just mothers, second, its not just teens. that is all.
yeah Ares....? what did you do to the gopher?
bite his head off?
Beggin' your pardon Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers won't they lock me up and throw away the key?
won't they lock me up and throw away the key?
HEY, he may like that! especially if he is locked to a bed post! ;o
Hey whur's my sterring wheel?!!!
<
<
<
<-----------------------------
LOL!
ROFL
I hate those guys too. ;-)
They're the same ones that drive Beemers, eat Sushi and wear their cell phones on their belts like they're gun slingers or something.
Hello... you're the only one who thinks your cool guy. But whatever floats your boat.
I wear my cell phone on my belt.
Where else am I supposed to keep it?
Where else am I supposed to keep it?
like any woman...attach it to your ear ;p
Not every woman.
Scribe doesn't even turn hers on.
Where else am I supposed to keep it?
Maybe slip out of those tight-assed designer jeans and put it in your pocket?
;-)
Hehe, reminds me of one of my favorite mac user cartoons.
Not every woman.
Scribe doesn't even turn hers on.
I bet that is because you are a good listener :)
More because she doesn't want to talk to me.
After having their eleventh child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi.
omgosh! hahaha
IT'S A-COMIN'
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Abilene, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Oklahoma City. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Fort Worth for the livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
As the saying goes "be careful what you wish for....".
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body
to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
 God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The
next morning sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the
kids, set out their school clothes, fed them
breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home
and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies  and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.  At  4:30 P.M. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.  At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.  The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us  trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You'll just have to wait
nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.
Bummer for him! hehehe
Two hillbillies walked into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey,
>they talked about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a
>woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
>After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
>
>One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?"
>
>The woman shakes her head no.
>
>"Kin ya breathe?
>
>" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
>
>The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of
>her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right
>butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked
>that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
>her mouth.
>
>As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
>back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that
>there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but I ain't never seed nobody do it
>
I knew if I came in here it would be a Liqour Lady joke! hahahaha thats funny
:)
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.Â
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought.Â
In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in herÂ
frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
hahahahaha -
Â
there must be 500 jokes in here! along with 98 misc. posts I bet-wow! that is a lot of funny stuff!
me2...its killing you isn't it...that you can't chime in on your own thread for our noodling...
Joe Jokehead
A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water. "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too.
The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
CM-suttle- that was a clever way to take that JOE!
I do my part. ;-)
My daughter sent me this....
http://www.jibjab.com/
Way cooler!
That site always has fun stuff
Â
Letter from a Boy Scout
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We ! will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because! of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and
buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Chris
LOL
Just had to share this....
DO I LOOK THAT OLD?????
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?
[Edited by on Sep 7, 2004 at 04:45pm.]
 Too funny, Terry. And yes, I know what you're talking about. ;)
LOLove it
R.I.P. Rodney D.
Hopefully he'll get the respect he deserves now. He also deserved an Oscar for his role in Natural Born Killers.Â