A girl phoned me the other day and said: "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm very sorry... We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know kid.. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em
... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling
... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, y’hear?!"
Sunday Morning Sex Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Finally, a nonpartisan campaign joke we can all live with!
Death of a Senator
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the guy. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator opened and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted for us!"Â Â
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "You must be new. Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers... we drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more!"
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Demon: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Demon: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt... who cares, you're dead!!"
Guy: "It just keeps getting better and better around here."
Demon: "You into drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - what's gonna happen to ya?? You're dead!"
Guy: "WOW!! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!"
Day 1 We just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know!  I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.
Day 4 I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5 What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6 Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?
Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed.  He's a complete PIG.
Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ!  Here he comes again!
Day 18 Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
To Be 6 Again!! A man asked his wife what she'd like for her Birthday Day. "I'd love to be six again", was her reply. On the morning of her Birthday Day, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and! collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again ?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Â Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDA! NT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND! TRIES TO EXPLAIN T HAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE
REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
Anchors Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along > with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraq > desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. > > They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader. The > leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the > condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have > any last requests?" > > Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot > spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with > the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." > > Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O > Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied > the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag > musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now > die peacefully. > > Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape > recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. > Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the > end." > > The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts > dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." > > The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. > Marine, what is your final wish?" > > "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
> > "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" > > "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the > Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. > > The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol > from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. > In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 > carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis > were either dead or fleeing for their lives. > > As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, > "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the > ass?" > > "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes call me the > aggressor?" >
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.
So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.
A rather attractive woman goes to the up bar in a quiet pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me, I need to speak to him," she says, while running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies' room."
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks by, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river. But the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, so he swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, and then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up on a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says that he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says, "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Holy crap! How much water did you drink?!?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He looks around and sees that the bar is completely empty except for the bartender. All of a sudden, he hears a voice say, "Nice suit." He looks around and still sees nobody. Soon another voice says, "That's a great tie."
"Did you say something?" he asks the bartender.
"No," the bartender says, "but it may be the peanuts. They're complimentary."
- Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at 6:00am regardless of what time it is." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.) ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." ------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>------------- - Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." ----- End forwarded message -----
- And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Doesn't seem to quite fit with all the others. This one makes some sense.
You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manilla envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends............$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.
Is there some reason why this thread is still tucked away down here when it's used more than many of the surface threads? I only bring it up because this is the only thread I actually come back to without using the Check Message feature.
Is there some reason why this thread is still tucked away down here when it's used more than many of the surface threads? I only bring it up because this is the only thread I actually come back to without using the Check Message feature.
A few classics from Rodney
A girl phoned me the other day and said: "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm very sorry... We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know kid.. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I love that one!:)
Courtesy of Pieter B
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.
... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em
... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.
... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.
... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling
... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.
... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo
from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now,
y’hear?!"
SUNDAY MORNING SEX
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died,her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear,"
replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
 A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...
He walks up to the bar, and the bartender says: "hey! pirate! why do you gotta steering wheel in your pants?!?!"
The pirate responds: "ARRRGGHHH!!!!! IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!"
LOL!!
I like those quickies. (Then again I have no choice)
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner
put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled
in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly,
he would get his
free sex. The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a
fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the
same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed
(2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were
close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice
last week."
hahaha.. nice..
Wheres that gas station again? I need a fill ;)
Â
Â
Finally, a nonpartisan campaign joke we can all live with!
Death of a Senator
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.
Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator opened and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted for us!"Â Â
Another "Life in Hell" joke
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "You must be new. Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers... we drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more!"
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Demon: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Demon: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt... who cares, you're dead!!"
Guy: "It just keeps getting better and better around here."
Demon: "You into drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - what's gonna happen to ya?? You're dead!"
Guy: "WOW!! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "No...."
Demon: "Ooooh, You're gonna hate Fridays...."
LOL!
mwaha
::: mwaha :::
Ha Ha Ha
ROFLMBOBO
Dear Diary,
Day 1
We just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know!  I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.
Day 4
I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's
exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed.  He's a complete PIG.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference...Christ!  Here he comes again!
Day 18
Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
lol.
of course, i like the commercials for cialis these days with the disclaimer: if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, see a doctor.
assuming, of course the wifey-wife isn't a bit busy....
Would anyone want one for four hours?
I don't remember having a choice when I was 13. It's a much different story now tho. I think I'd die of exhaustion after 15 minutes anyway.
It's the 60 second wonder!
We're old.
[Edited by on Nov 30, 2004 at 07:52pm.]
Just cause there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's no fire in the furnace!
Agreed, but unfortunately my snow blower's electric start is shot and I need to pull start it now. Which is real tiring sometimes. ;-|
[Edited by on Nov 30, 2004 at 09:56pm.]
ROFLMAO .......
To Be 6 Again!!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her Birthday Day. "I'd love to be
six again", was her reply. On the morning of her Birthday Day, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six
Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the
Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a
soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and! collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being six again ?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my
dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Â Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.
Â
Â
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDA! NT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO
SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE
PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT
IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M
BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT
HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND! TRIES TO
EXPLAIN T HAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE
WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE
REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND
GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED
HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
Anchors Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along
> with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraq
> desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis.
>
> They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader. The
> leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the
> condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have
> any last requests?"
>
> Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot
> spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
> the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
>
> Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O
> Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied
> the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
> musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now
> die peacefully.
>
> Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
> recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
> Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the
> end."
>
> The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
> dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
>
> The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S.
> Marine, what is your final wish?"
>
> "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
>
> "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
>
> "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
> Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
>
> The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol
> from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
> In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
> carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
> were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
>
> As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
> "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the
> ass?"
>
> "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes call me the
> aggressor?"
>
Bwaaah!
"640k ought to be enough for anybody" Bill Gates JOE!
Okay okay so he says he didn't say that, still I thought it was a funny quote, even if not neccesarily true (he mighta thought it once though!)
[Edited by on Dec 7, 2004 at 11:51am.]
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.
So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.
"SNICKER"
Â
A rather attractive woman goes to the up bar in a quiet pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me, I need to speak to him," she says, while running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies' room."
EWWWWWWWWWWW!
Facts of Life 2004 Version
CYRUS SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my
hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
cute lol
Â
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks by, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river. But the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, so he swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, and then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up on a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says that he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says, "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Holy crap! How much water did you drink?!?"
Nice!
Â
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller skating..."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He looks around and sees that the bar is completely empty except for the bartender. All of a sudden, he hears a voice say, "Nice suit." He looks around and still sees nobody.
Soon another voice says, "That's a great tie."
"Did you say something?" he asks the bartender.
"No," the bartender says, "but it may be the peanuts. They're complimentary."
copy of an email sent to me.
Â
WHY ATHLETES DON'T HAVE REAL JOBS
- Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate
me."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd
run over Joe's Mom, too."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then
line up in a circle."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
for three years, not Princeton."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my
name, I can still find my clothes."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at 6:00am regardless of
what time it is."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a
baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if
his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son,
what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't
know and I don't care.'"
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
------------------------------
<WBR>------------------------------
<WBR>-------------
- Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because
she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
----- End forwarded message -----
Doesn't seem to quite fit with all the others. This one makes some sense.
From a forwarded e-mail
You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manilla envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends............$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.
Â
10,000 WF&G Joe
Awesome!
That's an Urban Legend dating back to 1985, down to the break-down of costs and the MasterCard moment.
http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarras/bothered.htm
[Edited by on Jan 8, 2005 at 12:33pm.]
Is there some reason why this thread is still tucked away down here when it's used more than many of the surface threads? I only bring it up because this is the only thread I actually come back to without using the Check Message feature.
(now I know how the other half lives)
heh...
ok...then...tag your it!!! hah now that's funny!!!
Is there some reason why this thread is still tucked away down here when it's used more than many of the surface threads? I only bring it up because this is the only thread I actually come back to without using the Check Message feature.
(now I know how the other half lives)
Suffer B*tch! LOL " )
[Edited by on Jan 15, 2005 at 05:30am.]
[Edited by on Jan 15, 2005 at 05:49am.]
Hee.