Eat your steak rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake!
Damn straight! Nothin better than a rare steak! my mouth is watering at the thoughts of it.
DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the Vikings and the Twins suck (only Minnesotans and true fans can knock'em down). If you do, this will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your butt.
Now we are butt scalpers :wink:
where do you keep your butt collection? :sheepish:
Bremen, Germany – Police called to a house because of complaints about noise were taken aback when they were welcomed as eagerly expected male strippers.
Two officers were greeted by a group of women with cries of “Are the strippers here at last?” when they visited the premises in this north-western port city.
They reported that they were surrounded by a “a group of very interested women” when they turned up in the early hours of Sunday.
When the officers of the law persuaded the merry maids of Bremen that they were not in fact there to remove their clothes, the music was turned down.
Their report stated: “There was obvious disappointment on the faces of some of the party-goers.” – Sapa-AFP
Kind of reminds me of a friends 30th birthday party. Someone had hired male strippers and one of the guests was our chief of police. Needless to say, as the strippers were just about naked, the chief told them, "Keep your pants on boys". :goofy:
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. Soon, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push as hard as you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting all over the bed!"
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
. . . That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."
Let's say a guy named, Alan, is attracted to a woman named, Kristine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anyone else.
And then, one evening, when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Kristine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Kristine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Alan is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Kristine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moviing steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Alan is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Kristine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Alan is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Kristine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Alan is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Kristine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Alan is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Alan," Kristine says aloud.
"What?" says Alan, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Alan.
"I'm such a fool," Kristine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Alan.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Kristine says.
"No!" says Alan, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Kristine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Alan, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Kristine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Alan, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Alan.
"That way about time," says Kristine.
"Oh," says Alan. "Yes."
(Kristine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Alan gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Alan's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day, Kristine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Alan, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Kristine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Mike, did Kristine ever own a horse?"
The FDA is Considering Additional Warnings on Beer and Alcohol Bottles Such As:
14. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like thish."
13. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you're whispering when you're not.
12. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
10. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up on someone elses lawn wondering why your all wet. (hint: they have an automated sprinkler system)
9. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember.)
6. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
5. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.
4. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
2. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
1. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
> A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an > airplane. > > After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a > requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" > > The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest > then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, > on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." > > The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. > > A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it > still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" > > The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." > The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the > temptations of the flesh?" > > The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke > with my faith." > > The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, > and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it
Damn straight! Nothin better than a rare steak! my mouth is watering at the thoughts of it.
DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the Vikings and the Twins suck (only Minnesotans and true fans can knock'em down). If you do, this will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your butt.
Now we are butt scalpers :wink:
where do you keep your butt collection? :sheepish:
http://www.gardenofedenstores.com/catalog/kamasutra.php
Now thats what I'm talkin about .... :wink:
Bremen, Germany – Police called to a house because of complaints about noise were taken aback when they were welcomed as eagerly expected male strippers.
Two officers were greeted by a group of women with cries of “Are the strippers here at last?” when they visited the premises in this north-western port city.
They reported that they were surrounded by a “a group of very interested women” when they turned up in the early hours of Sunday.
When the officers of the law persuaded the merry maids of Bremen that they were not in fact there to remove their clothes, the music was turned down.
Their report stated: “There was obvious disappointment on the faces of some of the party-goers.” – Sapa-AFP
show us the nightstick
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push as hard as you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting all over the bed!"
with the unique traits each were given......
WOMEN:
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, and
they carry burdens, yet they hold happiness,
love, and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing
when they want to cry. They cry when they are
happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They are child-care workers, executives, attorneys,
stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.
They wear suits, jeans, and uniforms. They fight for
what they believe in. They stand up against injustice.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into
the right schools and to get their family the right health
care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart;
they know that knowledge is power, but they still know
how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends,
and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they
are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. They live in
houses, apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run,
or e-mail you to show how much they care a bout you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and friends.
And all they want in return are a hug and a smile and for
you to do the same for the people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Maybe you're just with the wrong man.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
. . . That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."
Let's say a guy named, Alan, is attracted to a woman named, Kristine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anyone else.
And then, one evening, when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Kristine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Kristine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Alan is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Kristine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moviing steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Alan is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Kristine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Alan is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Kristine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Alan is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Kristine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Alan is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Alan," Kristine says aloud.
"What?" says Alan, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Alan.
"I'm such a fool," Kristine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Alan.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Kristine says.
"No!" says Alan, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Kristine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Alan, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Kristine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Alan, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Alan.
"That way about time," says Kristine.
"Oh," says Alan. "Yes."
(Kristine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Alan," she says.
"Thank you," says Alan.
....continue in next post....
(This is also Alan's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day, Kristine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Alan, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Kristine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Mike, did Kristine ever own a horse?"
but I probly have the 1st 2 post joke
:smile:
The FDA is Considering Additional Warnings on Beer and Alcohol Bottles Such As:
14. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like thish."
13. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you're whispering when you're not.
12. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
10. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up on someone elses lawn wondering why your all wet.
(hint: they have an automated sprinkler system)
9. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember.)
6. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
5. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.
4. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
2. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
1. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small
(and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
http://www.compfused.com/directlink/777/
http://www.compfused.com/directlink/782/
shut up shut up shut up!
I'm fine.
now where's that gum?
roflmao ..thats funny..
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he
had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that
way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went
back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe
you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."