I worked at TJ Maxx for a while in the changing rooms. Low and behold one day I was gathering hangers and BAM!!!! I was absolutely freaked. So I did what any teenager would do. Called everyone in the store back to the fitting room to take a peek, not telling them what I needed to show them:) Then called the store manager because cleaning up poo was not in my job description!
Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up."
Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "screw you, that's the electrician's job!"
 i want these on two stone tablets in the living room when the oldest one starts dating: tc won't let me though :frown:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling of their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are following an idiotic trend. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with you underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I am sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is 'early'.
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow and have lots of opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me-as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, you will continue to date my daughter,exclusively, until she chooses to discard you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, and anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff tee shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on the issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless Ruler of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a small forest behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflage face in the window is mine.
One of my nieces in Utah tells the story about when she came home from a date with her shirt inside out. She's been married to the guy for almost 20 years now, but I think my sister and brother-in-law still hold a grudge toward the guy. :eek: :sillygrin:
I've done that too. My argument was - it was the lastest style and then left the house the next day with my shirt on inside out - just to prove my point..
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
foodand diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
Well I had hoped to come for WC this year - but on the 14th of Jan I'm being installed as president of my service club (I had to pick a theme so I am going actually with a winter carnival theme - should be fun!)
Then the next weekend I am chairing my clubs annual Crab Feed & hosting the regional meeting and then the NEXT week I've got presidential duties and meetings to host etc... so sadly this is not my year to make it out in Jan.
With any luck, I should have some extra $$$ and pleanty of time off to come back and spend a week or two this summer tho! :smile:
After the husband has left for work, the wife gets up, goes to the kitchen and finds this letter:
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you also are 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Minnesota, and one from Wisconsin. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground...I'm sick of looking at them!" A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Minnesota asks, "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!" Inspired by the others, the man from Minnesota opens the car door and pushes out the man from Wisconsin.
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I Told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him " Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. " "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was A moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
The most wasted day of all is one in which you have not smiled.
Origins: The amusing question-and-answer exchange quoted above came to us when what appeared to be a scanned image of a newspaper advice column began to circulate via e-mail. Just in case some of the references aren't familiar to everyone, we'll point out that the
humor in this item stems from the advice-seeker's puzzlement over a cryptic phrase in a letter written by her godson, and her confusion of cane toads (amphibians whose skin is sometimes licked or even smoked by thrill-seekers who believe the toad's secretions produce hallucinogenic effects when ingested) with "camel toads" as well as her apparent unfamiliarity with the term "camel toes" (a slang term for the visible outline of pudenda produced when women wear tight-fitting lower garments, so called because it resembles the shape of a camel's foot).
Naturally, this item prompted a flurry of "Is this true?" queries from our readers. As with many such entries, there are multiple levels of "truth" to be considered:
Was this question-and-answer exchange published in a newspaper's advice column?
Did the question come from a submission received by the columnist (rather than being something she made up herself)?
Was the letter on the level, or did the submitter simply fabricate a narrative for humor's sake?
The answer to the first question is yes — this exchange appeared in the 15 June 2005 installment of "Ask Leslie," an advice column written by librarian Leslie Potter for the Hays Daily News in northwest Kansas.
The answer to the second question is also yes — as Ms. Potter told us:
There were several staff members at the library's front desk the morning the "camel toads" letter arrived. When I opened and read it, I was thoroughly puzzled, as I had never heard of either camel toads or camel toes. But when I read it aloud to the staff, they practically started rolling on the floor. And their explanation is almost word-for-word what I used in my answer. I kept the original letter as a memento — and to show people who didn't believe it could be real!
As for the third question, we'll have to leave the answer as undetermined. Ms. Potter told us she had no reason to doubt the letter-writer's sincerity:
I recognized the handwriting on the envelope as being from someone who writes in frequently, if anonymously — always legitimate questions, so I have no reason to suspect this particular question was a fraud.
Personally, we think the set-up is too perfect, the tone of the letter too amusingly tongue-in-cheek to be anything but a deliberate attempt at humor, but that's just our opinion. We're not about to let such small details get in the way of a good chuckle.
Unfortunately, the "camel toads" column was one of Leslie Potter's last, as she and her husband moved out of Kansas the month after it was published. We have the feeling this entry will expose at least one of her Hays Daily News efforts to a whole new audience, however.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,Code 3 in Housewares...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible"
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!!"
I worked at TJ Maxx for a while in the changing rooms. Low and behold one day I was gathering hangers and BAM!!!! I was absolutely freaked. So I did what any teenager would do. Called everyone in the store back to the fitting room to take a peek, not telling them what I needed to show them:) Then called the store manager because cleaning up poo was not in my job description!
So is 183 for that matter :eyeroll:
Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "screw you, that's the electrician's job!"
My mom had a little simpler approach. She'd make the boy come in and take 3 (incase one or two didn't turn out) photos of us.
She told the boy - should you not return my daughter I will give these to the police showing what both of you were wearing.
I always returned... and as an adult have quite the photo album of my dating years.
funny thing - one guy asked me out and then said - all that stuff I hear about your mom and the camera - that isn't really true is it?
She was the legend called the shutterbug lady.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
foodand diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
Then the next weekend I am chairing my clubs annual Crab Feed & hosting the regional meeting and then the NEXT week I've got presidential duties and meetings to host etc... so sadly this is not my year to make it out in Jan.
With any luck, I should have some extra $$$ and pleanty of time off to come back and spend a week or two this summer tho! :smile:
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you also are 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Minnesota, and one from Wisconsin. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground...I'm sick of looking at them!" A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Minnesota asks, "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!" Inspired by the others, the man from Minnesota opens the car door and pushes out the man from Wisconsin.
WTF?
on the door of this house and the man who answers it says,
Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be
Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring
again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but
this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.
"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nut s."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I Told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him " Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Why did the cactus cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken!!
GOOD
A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. " "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was A moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Hopefully it won't be a lady CHP.
maybe I should tape it on my steering wheel.
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
The most wasted day of all is one in which you have not smiled.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
:ooh: You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Katie hates it when I'm mad at her when I'm doing her hair...I always get a few extra sprays in from the spritz bottle of water.
also - don't try to swing with a cat in your lap on the swingset. They don't like going nearly as high as you do.
That's hilarious!
I'm blocked...but I know your answer.
I know I've licked a few camel toads in my time
humor in this item stems from the advice-seeker's puzzlement over a cryptic phrase in a letter written by her godson, and her confusion of cane toads (amphibians whose skin is sometimes licked or even smoked by thrill-seekers who believe the toad's secretions produce hallucinogenic effects when ingested) with "camel toads" as well as her apparent unfamiliarity with the term "camel toes" (a slang term for the visible outline of pudenda produced when women wear tight-fitting lower garments, so called because it resembles the shape of a camel's foot).
Naturally, this item prompted a flurry of "Is this true?" queries from our readers. As with many such entries, there are multiple levels of "truth" to be considered:
Was this question-and-answer exchange published in a newspaper's advice column?
Did the question come from a submission received by the columnist (rather than being something she made up herself)?
Was the letter on the level, or did the submitter simply fabricate a narrative for humor's sake?
The answer to the first question is yes — this exchange appeared in the 15 June 2005 installment of "Ask Leslie," an advice column written by librarian Leslie Potter for the Hays Daily News in northwest Kansas.
The answer to the second question is also yes — as Ms. Potter told us:
There were several staff members at the library's front desk the morning the "camel toads" letter arrived. When I opened and read it, I was thoroughly puzzled, as I had never heard of either camel toads or camel toes. But when I read it aloud to the staff, they practically started rolling on the floor. And their explanation is almost word-for-word what I used in my answer. I kept the original letter as a memento — and to show people who didn't believe it could be real!
As for the third question, we'll have to leave the answer as undetermined. Ms. Potter told us she had no reason to doubt the letter-writer's sincerity:
I recognized the handwriting on the envelope as being from someone who writes in frequently, if anonymously — always legitimate questions, so I have no reason to suspect this particular question was a fraud.
Personally, we think the set-up is too perfect, the tone of the letter too amusingly tongue-in-cheek to be anything but a deliberate attempt at humor, but that's just our opinion. We're not about to let such small details get in the way of a good chuckle.
Unfortunately, the "camel toads" column was one of Leslie Potter's last, as she and her husband moved out of Kansas the month after it was published. We have the feeling this entry will expose at least one of her Hays Daily News efforts to a whole new audience, however.
Last updated: 14 October 2005
I miss my Grandpa :frown:
it could take me a while.
come on CM - I know you have a comment in there. some where. anywhere. ...
still waiting for you to swim by
Pope Clue Master from now on I tells ya. :eyeroll: