A father leaves work a little late one night and on his way home, he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought a gift.
He parks his car in front of a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the window?"
With a convincing voice the salesperson replies, "Well we have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Dancing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."
The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir... the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of Ken's friends."
If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink.
If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green.
Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating.
It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes upwith a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is
SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Sheldon.”
“Who?”
“Sheldon Cohen. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time.”
“Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody”, stated the passenger.
“Not Sheldon,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
“Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy,” the cabbie continued. “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out.”
“Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!” said the passenger.
“Well, I never actually met Sheldon,” admitted the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asked the passenger.
He was having a bit of trouble with it. The kite would go upto about 25 feet and suddenly turn and dive straight in to the ground. He tried several times with the same results. After one particular nasty crash, his wife, who had been watching his exploits, yelled out the window “YOU NEED MORE TAIL”.
He said ‘make up your mind! Last night you told me to ‘go fly a kite’.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
There is a man who goes right to the bar after work every day and notices the same man, doing the same thing. He would drink a beer, jump out the window, at least 40 stories, and come back in the bar moments later, to do it all over again for hours on end.
After watching this person drink a beer, jump out the window, to no end, he has to ask the man, “Why do you drink a light beer and jump out the window?” Therefore, the person replies, “You know how light beer doesn’t weigh you down?” With a fast reply, “Yes.” The other person says, “I jump out the window for fun because the light beer doesn’t weigh you down.” Here, have a light beer on me. Therefore, after having a couple of “light beers” together, they both go to the same window the one person was jumping out of for a long time.
The person who has been jumping out of the window for a long time says, “jump out the window and you can float back up, or walk back in like I have.” the other person says, “I’m not going to do that, I will die.”, so the other says, “No you won’t. I do it without any problems. You can too! And says, watch me, you’ll see.” Therefore, he drinks his beer, jumps out the window, and after a couple minutes, walks back in to the bar.
The other person with a surprised look says, “Wow! I can do that. Therefore, he drinks his beer and jumps out the window. Only to find out moments later, he cannot. There is a squished body outside, broken bones and body parts, dead and all completely wrong. The guy who has been jumping out the window says, “Sucker.” Then goes back to order another beer. The bar tender gets the person a beer and says, “You know, Superman, you are a real asshole when you’re drunk!”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think heÂ’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You canÂ’t fire me. I quit." (maybe you can tell this to your staff - CM)
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him and apologizes that they don't quite have his room ready yet but he could show him around and introduce him to some people.
They meet one man and St. Peter tells him that his IQ is off the chart. Einstein says "Great....we can talk about my theories"
They come across a woman and St. Peter tells Einstein that her IQ is 150. Einstein says "Wonderful....we can discuss politics and human rights"
They come across another gentleman and St. Peter tells Einstein that his IQ is a little over 100. Einstein says "That's fine....we can chat about the weather and fishing and all kinds of things"
They come across one last pathetic looking man. St. Peter says "You may not want to talk to him....his IQ can't be over 50" Einstein shouts "How 'bout them Packers?!"
He parks his car in front of a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the window?"
With a convincing voice the salesperson replies, "Well we have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Dancing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."
The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir... the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of Ken's friends."
thats awesome.
If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green.
Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating.
It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.
 :smile:
Well, off to get a cold one
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes upwith a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is
SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Sheldon.”
“Who?”
“Sheldon Cohen. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time.”
“Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody”, stated the passenger.
“Not Sheldon,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
“Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy,” the cabbie continued. “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out.”
“Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!” said the passenger.
“Well, I never actually met Sheldon,” admitted the cabbie.
“Then how do you know so much about him?” asked the passenger.
“After he died, I married his wife.”
He said ‘make up your mind! Last night you told me to ‘go fly a kite’.
How to install a poor-man's security system:
Go to a secondhand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots - a
really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns
and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike
and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ½ an hr. Don't disturb
the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch
is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked."Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the
teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The
teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother
asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach
for the next 10 minutes
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey,
remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but
what's
growing in your butt?"
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.One little girl
was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
pastor
leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into
the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by
his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"
"Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No.
You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!"
If
you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me,
can
you bring a drink of water?"
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear
and
it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the
teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned
over and went 'Pssst!' >and it didn't move."
(oh gawd....I'm going to need a pyscologist when she gets older)
I wonder if that is why they fart in your face :wink:
my cats have issues - and therapy is too expensive.
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
is soooo tempting to use as a tagline...
After watching this person drink a beer, jump out the window, to no end, he has to ask the man, “Why do you drink a light beer and jump out the window?” Therefore, the person replies, “You know how light beer doesn’t weigh you down?” With a fast reply, “Yes.” The other person says, “I jump out the window for fun because the light beer doesn’t weigh you down.” Here, have a light beer on me. Therefore, after having a couple of “light beers” together, they both go to the same window the one person was jumping out of for a long time.
The person who has been jumping out of the window for a long time says, “jump out the window and you can float back up, or walk back in like I have.” the other person says, “I’m not going to do that, I will die.”, so the other says, “No you won’t. I do it without any problems. You can too! And says, watch me, you’ll see.” Therefore, he drinks his beer, jumps out the window, and after a couple minutes, walks back in to the bar.
The other person with a surprised look says, “Wow! I can do that. Therefore, he drinks his beer and jumps out the window. Only to find out moments later, he cannot. There is a squished body outside, broken bones and body parts, dead and all completely wrong. The guy who has been jumping out the window says, “Sucker.” Then goes back to order another beer. The bar tender gets the person a beer and says, “You know, Superman, you are a real asshole when you’re drunk!”
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think heÂ’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You canÂ’t fire me. I quit." (maybe you can tell this to your staff - CM)
They meet one man and St. Peter tells him that his IQ is off the chart. Einstein says "Great....we can talk about my theories"
They come across a woman and St. Peter tells Einstein that her IQ is 150. Einstein says "Wonderful....we can discuss politics and human rights"
They come across another gentleman and St. Peter tells Einstein that his IQ is a little over 100. Einstein says "That's fine....we can chat about the weather and fishing and all kinds of things"
They come across one last pathetic looking man. St. Peter says "You may not want to talk to him....his IQ can't be over 50" Einstein shouts "How 'bout them Packers?!"
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo
Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber
than buffalo s*it. Someone stole tent."
from Kansas City to Chicago. The boy (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to
you."
Offensive alert!