There is a man who goes right to the bar after work every day and notices the same man, doing the same thing. He would drink a beer, jump out the window, at least 40 stories, and come back in the bar moments later, to do it all over again for hours on end.
After watching this person drink a beer, jump out the window, to no end, he has to ask the man, “Why do you drink a light beer and jump out the window?” Therefore, the person replies, “You know how light beer doesn’t weigh you down?” With a fast reply, “Yes.” The other person says, “I jump out the window for fun because the light beer doesn’t weigh you down.” Here, have a light beer on me. Therefore, after having a couple of “light beers” together, they both go to the same window the one person was jumping out of for a long time.
The person who has been jumping out of the window for a long time says, “jump out the window and you can float back up, or walk back in like I have.” the other person says, “I’m not going to do that, I will die.”, so the other says, “No you won’t. I do it without any problems. You can too! And says, watch me, you’ll see.” Therefore, he drinks his beer, jumps out the window, and after a couple minutes, walks back in to the bar.
The other person with a surprised look says, “Wow! I can do that. Therefore, he drinks his beer and jumps out the window. Only to find out moments later, he cannot. There is a squished body outside, broken bones and body parts, dead and all completely wrong. The guy who has been jumping out the window says, “Sucker.” Then goes back to order another beer. The bar tender gets the person a beer and says, “You know, Superman, you are a real asshole when you’re drunk!”
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call the "other side!" Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the "other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
Ken Starr:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates full with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken?" Could you define "chicken" please?
Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned with that the chicken cross the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released Chicken2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of Chicken2000.
Einstein:
Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road move under the chicken?
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was great rejoicing.
George Bush, Jr.:
It has been established that the chicken did cross the road. The chicken has had fair access to the judicial appeal system of the great state of Texas, and now it must suffer the consequences. It is not within my power as governor to grant said chicken a reprieve. And I hope that the damn thing doesn't run around in circles afterward! (Aside to the kitchen ... "Not too much seasoning, you idiot!")
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddah:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpertation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross road at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross theroad, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censord) reason.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Plato:
For the greater good.
Pyrroh the Skeptic:
What road?
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
William Shakespeare:
To cross, or not to cross? THAT is the question.....
B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Mr. T:
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately.... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten miutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects 'chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential ccurrence.
Two guys walked into a bar and the 3rd one ducked.
That took me (I kid you not) 6 months to get.
It was told to me one day (I was like 15) and I thought about it forever and ever an one day I was mulling it over in my head - and the light went on... duh.
not only do we not have a hunt (any hunt for that matter) one of the PP's sister papers is IN my town,, and we don't even hear about the hunt.
 :frown:
as for the earthquakes - I'll take tornado's over them any day. Expecially the ones that jar and roar like a freighttrain rolling through your bedroom at 3 am.
Santa Rosa is on the Roger's Creek Fault fault map and if we got an earthquake of 7.0 it would cause over 400 road closures.
They say it erupts about every 300 years.. and it's nearly that time again.
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
the ATM I use by my work - the buttons are metal and in the sun all day. It's kinda fun in summer to see someone who doesn't know about the hot buttons go up and use the machine. enter your pin: ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several !
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
I was confused. Imagine that! :pbpt: I thought Bear was saying that "more money is spent on viagra and boob jobs than on alzheimers research" was funny but true. :sheepish:
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care ofthis."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and Healthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub The top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
After watching this person drink a beer, jump out the window, to no end, he has to ask the man, “Why do you drink a light beer and jump out the window?” Therefore, the person replies, “You know how light beer doesn’t weigh you down?” With a fast reply, “Yes.” The other person says, “I jump out the window for fun because the light beer doesn’t weigh you down.” Here, have a light beer on me. Therefore, after having a couple of “light beers” together, they both go to the same window the one person was jumping out of for a long time.
The person who has been jumping out of the window for a long time says, “jump out the window and you can float back up, or walk back in like I have.” the other person says, “I’m not going to do that, I will die.”, so the other says, “No you won’t. I do it without any problems. You can too! And says, watch me, you’ll see.” Therefore, he drinks his beer, jumps out the window, and after a couple minutes, walks back in to the bar.
The other person with a surprised look says, “Wow! I can do that. Therefore, he drinks his beer and jumps out the window. Only to find out moments later, he cannot. There is a squished body outside, broken bones and body parts, dead and all completely wrong. The guy who has been jumping out the window says, “Sucker.” Then goes back to order another beer. The bar tender gets the person a beer and says, “You know, Superman, you are a real asshole when you’re drunk!”
"If I flipped a quarter, what are the chances I'd get head?"
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call the "other side!" Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the "other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
Ken Starr:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates full with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken?" Could you define "chicken" please?
Captain Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned with that the chicken cross the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates:
I have just released Chicken2000, which will not only cross the road, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of Chicken2000.
Einstein:
Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road move under the chicken?
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was great rejoicing.
George Bush, Jr.:
It has been established that the chicken did cross the road. The chicken has had fair access to the judicial appeal system of the great state of Texas, and now it must suffer the consequences. It is not within my power as governor to grant said chicken a reprieve. And I hope that the damn thing doesn't run around in circles afterward! (Aside to the kitchen ... "Not too much seasoning, you idiot!")
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddah:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpertation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross road at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross theroad, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censord) reason.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Plato:
For the greater good.
Pyrroh the Skeptic:
What road?
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
William Shakespeare:
To cross, or not to cross? THAT is the question.....
B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Mr. T:
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately.... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten miutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects 'chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential ccurrence.
Molly Yard:
It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea:
To prove it could never reach the other side.
I thought it was political commentary, so I just skipped it.
How many coolers does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
all of us...
OT to hold it and the rest to drink until the room spins.
the chicken crossed the road cause it was stapled to the rabbit.
I'm not really sure I get that.. but everyone always laughs when that is the answer to the joke. :chagrin:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: A duck, because motorcycles don't have doors
:eyeroll: :chagrin:
That took me (I kid you not) 6 months to get.
It was told to me one day (I was like 15) and I thought about it forever and ever an one day I was mulling it over in my head - and the light went on... duh.
When I was younger they were changing the liquor laws in MN to 21 for 'onsale' and 19 for 'offsale'.
My uncle and my mom were discussing it in the car one day - and I was taking it all in. Suddenly I had to speak my mind on the issue and told them:
"I don't think it's fair that you have to be over 21 to use a coupon or get the sale price."
My uncle nearly wrecked the car.
 :grin: Sometimes I'm a little dumber than others...
Bwaaaah!!
and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the
horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied
for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the
farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised,
but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed
to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the
Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later,
the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried
out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over,
and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken
to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.
The moral of the story? . (yep, you betcha,
there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You
Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
I'M CALIFORNIAN THAT MEANS...
I'm mexican or I've dated one
Our chics are way hotter then yours
I cuss a lot.
I say "like" and "fer sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "bro" and "hecka" and "hella"; and I say them often.
I know what real cheese & avocadoes taste like.
I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe and Big Bear.
Summers are really hot, and winters are really cold. That's the way it is.
I go to the Beach - not "down the shore".
I know 65 mph really means 80+.
When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and they accept it and give it back, because that's the California way.
I've been to "the City" aka San Francisco and have eaten fresh clam chowder out of a sourdough bread bowl.
The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border).
My governor can kick your governors ass.
I can go out at midnight and wear a t-shirt and shorts.
I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California I turn into a Greek GOD.
I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day.
All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here.
We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them).
I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more then yours, which means I'm better then you
The best athletes come from here
we are just wimps.
I have to say tho - it's nice being 20 minutes form the ocean and 3 hours from skiing.
No way I'd live in a state that didn't.
 :frown:
as for the earthquakes - I'll take tornado's over them any day. Expecially the ones that jar and roar like a freighttrain rolling through your bedroom at 3 am.
Santa Rosa is on the Roger's Creek Fault fault map and if we got an earthquake of 7.0 it would cause over 400 road closures.
They say it erupts about every 300 years.. and it's nearly that time again.
its a little scary.
just shows me I'm getting my cold blood back.
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
2 hands...
nothing ticks me off faster than an idiot at an atm.
heh heh heh!
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several !
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care ofthis."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and Healthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub The top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
DO IT NOW OR ELSE.
And Have a nice day!
Catcha Later