The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After five years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange-looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and waddled slowly over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to grab the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
“We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”
“Da’s nuthin’,” said Thibideaux, the Cajun representing the Americans. “We had our bess plastic surgins workin’ for five year to make dat alligator look lak a weenie dog.”
1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
12.) Crying is blackmail.
13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway
22.) Check your oil.
23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.
31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this. I know I will have to sleep on the couch but we like it, it's like camping.
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others, BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who:
took the melody out of music
The pride out of appearance
The romance out of love
The commitment out of marriage
Theresponsibility out of parenthood
The togetherness out of the family
The learning out of education
The service out of patriotism
The religion out of school
The Golden Rule from rulers
The nativity scene from cities
The civility out of behavior
The refinement out of language
The dedication out of employment
The prudence out of spending or
The ambition out of achievement.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!
Does anyone under the age of 40 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Just look at those old folks with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts.
And, unless many of our younger generation learn to count, in the absence of computers and calculators, they will be back to counting on fingers and toes.
Remember.... inside every older person is a younger person wondering:WHAT HAPPENED!!
One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate.
The man open the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advise. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.
A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything when well with his advice.
The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.
The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the zoo!"
The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun that today we're going to the ball game!!"
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS, HE SAYS.DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITHHIM OR BAKE A CAKE.HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year- old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
You can buy a house, but not a home a bed, but not sleep a clock, but not time a book, but not knowledge a position, but not respect medicine, but not health blood, but not life sex, but not love. So you see, money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend and as your friend I want to ease your pain and suffering.
Soooooooo send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash only please.
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband.
The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." Â The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
a man and his wife were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. at the party, the woman is chatting with her friends, while the man is chatting with his. one of his friends asked him "how is it that you spent all that time with her?"
the man responds "well, when we were married, as we rode in the horse-drawn carriage back to the farm i just bought, the horse stumbled on the road just outside the church. i said, 'that's once'. a while down the road, the horse stumbled again, and i said, 'that's twice'. as we got to the farm house, the horse stumbled a third time. as i went into the house, i said, 'that's three times'. i came back out with a shotgun, and shot the horse. my wife asked me, 'why did you shoot the horse? that's so cruel.' i said to her, 'that's once'."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him...they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny everywhere he could. So, he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job, including painting of one of their biggest buildings.
Jock put in a bid and because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint from all over the church and knocked Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the grass among the gravestones of the church's small graveyard. There he laid, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... . . . . (you're going to love this) . . .
. . . (Are you ready) . . . . . . . "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Mid NW, Wisconsin.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A Houstonian, an Islander, and a Cajun are in a bar. They all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Houstonian says, "Yup, this is a nice bar, but in Houston there's a better one. At Rock Neutney's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and Rockney himself will buy your third drink!" The others agreed that it sounds like a nice place. Then the Islander says, "Yeah, that's nice, but in Galveston, there's this place. At Big Daddy's, you buy a drink, Big Daddy buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that Big Daddy's sounds like a great bar. Then the Cajun guy says, "You guys tink dat's great? In San Leon, where I come from, dey got dis place called Wayno's. At Wayno's, dey buy yo first drink, dey buy yo nex drink, dey buy yo third drink, and then, they take you in back, and you gits laid!" "Wow" say the other two. "That's great! Did that actually happen to you?" "Naw, not to me personally," replies the Cajun, "but it sho happen to mah wife!"
Three women were chatting in a bar, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation (spanking the monkey, slapping the salami, etc.) there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I call it 'jilling off,' said one." "But that's just a femininization of 'jacking off," said the first. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The third woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."
A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar, goes up to her, and asks her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name? she asked. "Beersex"
A class of elementary students started a class project to make a ceramic pot with some sort of plant in it to take home.They wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green ware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun. The cactus plants grew nicely in the clown pots, but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy was grown to replace them. The children were then allowed to take them home.
The teacher said cactus seemed like a GOOD idea at the time.......
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad! "What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks. "I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!" The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him. "I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in...but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After five years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange-looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and waddled slowly over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to grab the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
“We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”
“Da’s nuthin’,” said Thibideaux, the Cajun representing the Americans. “We had our bess plastic surgins workin’ for five year to make dat alligator look lak a weenie dog.”
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH
1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
12.) Crying is blackmail.
13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway
22.) Check your oil.
23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.
31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this. I know I will have to sleep on the couch but we like it, it's like camping.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH ?
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others, BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who:
took the melody out of music
The pride out of appearance
The romance out of love
The commitment out of marriage
Theresponsibility out of parenthood
The togetherness out of the family
The learning out of education
The service out of patriotism
The religion out of school
The Golden Rule from rulers
The nativity scene from cities
The civility out of behavior
The refinement out of language
The dedication out of employment
The prudence out of spending or
The ambition out of achievement.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!
Does anyone under the age of 40 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Just look at those old folks with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with
their hand over their hearts.
And, unless many of our younger generation learn to count, in the absence of computers and calculators, they will be back to counting on fingers and toes.
Remember.... inside every older person is a younger person wondering:WHAT HAPPENED!!
As an under 40, I'm offended! ;-)
hmmmm
oh say can you see
by the dawn's early light
what so proudly we hailed
at the twilights's last gleaming
whose broad stripes and bright stars
through the perilous fight
o'er the ramparts we watched
were so gallantly streaming
and the rockets red glare
the bombs bursting in air
gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there
oh say does that star-spangled
banner yet wave
o'er the land of the free
and the home of the brave.
bonus points for anyone who can present the lyrics to the second and third verses without looking them up :)
A: Meet you at the corner.
A. Is that you, coffin?
Yuck yuck yuck
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Cluck cluck cluck.
Why did the little boy cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
I thought it was:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
Better!
Why'd the baby cross the road?
Cuz it was stapled to the chicken.
That's the only "Why'd the chicken cross the road" joke that I know.
Col. Sanders, upon hearing that the chicken crossed the road: "You mean I missed one?"
One sunny day, a man was walking down the
street when a truck came flying by and hit a
bump in the road. As the truck sped away a
crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see
what was in the crate.
The man open the crate and was stunned to
see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so
he asked a police officer for some advise. The
officer suggested that the man take the pig to
the local zoo.
A few days later while the police officer was
directing traffic, he noticed this same man
driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the
man so he could find out if everything when
well with his advice.
The officer walked up to the car and was stunned
to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig
was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing
a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack
of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon
officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and
gave a couple polite snorts.
The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I
told you to bring that pig to the zoo!"
The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much
fun that today we're going to the ball game!!"
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through
nofault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS, HE SAYS.DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITHHIM OR BAKE A CAKE.HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
thank you, bud, but i can't take credit for it. i got it emailed to me. :)
Did you ever notice if you put the two words 'THE' and 'IRS' together it spells 'THEIRS?
"Night Monster"
After putting her children to bed, a mother
changed into old sweats and blouse and
proceeded to wash her hair and give herself
a facial. As she heard the children getting
more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin.
At last she wrapped a towel around her head
and with cold creme on her face stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-
old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
<
<Did you ever notice if you put the two words 'THE' and 'IRS' together it spells 'THEIRS?>>
Good one, Wolvie!
With Money
You can buy a house, but not a home
a bed, but not sleep
a clock, but not time
a book, but not knowledge
a position, but not respect
medicine, but not health
blood, but not life
sex, but not love.
So you see, money isn't everything and it often causes
pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your friend
and as your friend I want to ease your pain and
suffering.
Soooooooo
send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
Cash only please.
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her
bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the
husband.
The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've
been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I
can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began
packing HIS bags, too.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
"I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing
were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
 The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took
the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to
death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
good ones, wolvie.
:: sound of applause ::
a man and his wife were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. at the party, the woman is chatting with her friends, while the man is chatting with his. one of his friends asked him "how is it that you spent all that time with her?"
the man responds "well, when we were married, as we rode in the horse-drawn carriage back to the farm i just bought, the horse stumbled on the road just outside the church. i said, 'that's once'. a while down the road, the horse stumbled again, and i said, 'that's twice'. as we got to the farm house, the horse stumbled a third time. as i went into the house, i said, 'that's three times'. i came back out with a shotgun, and shot the horse. my wife asked me, 'why did you shoot the horse? that's so cruel.' i said to her, 'that's once'."
OUCH! LOL!
ZEN THOUGHTS
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
honk!
Subject: Sensitive Guy
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a
shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she
decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him...they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."
hee hee! Good one Artemis.
definitely.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
These are not exactly jokes... but facts :)
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested
in making a penny everywhere he could. So, he often would thin down paint
to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this
for some time, but eventually the local Baptist Church decided to do a big
restoration job, including painting of one of their biggest buildings.
Jock put in a bid and because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and
the sky opened, the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint
from all over the church and knocked Jock clear off the scaffold to
land on the grass among the gravestones of the church's small graveyard.
There he laid, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
.
.
.
.
(you're going to love this)
.
.
.
.
.
.
(Are you ready)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
OUCH!!!
:-)
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Mid NW, Wisconsin.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Lol! Figures its Wisconsin!
A Houstonian, an Islander, and a Cajun are in a bar. They all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Houstonian says, "Yup, this is a nice bar, but in Houston there's a better one. At Rock Neutney's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and Rockney himself will buy your third drink!" The others agreed that it sounds like a nice place. Then the Islander says, "Yeah, that's nice, but in Galveston, there's this place. At Big Daddy's, you buy a drink, Big Daddy buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that Big Daddy's sounds like a great bar. Then the Cajun guy says, "You guys tink dat's great? In San Leon, where I come from, dey got dis place called Wayno's. At Wayno's, dey buy yo first drink, dey buy yo nex drink, dey buy yo third drink, and then, they take you in back, and you gits laid!" "Wow" say the other two. "That's great! Did that actually happen to you?" "Naw, not to me personally," replies the Cajun, "but it sho happen to mah wife!"
Three women were chatting in a bar, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation (spanking the monkey, slapping the salami, etc.) there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I call it 'jilling off,' said one." "But that's just a femininization of 'jacking off," said the first. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The third woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."
A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar, goes up to her, and asks her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name? she asked.
"Beersex"
ouch! lol.
A class of elementary students started a class project to make a ceramic pot with some sort of plant in it to take home.They wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green ware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun.
The cactus plants grew nicely in the clown pots, but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy was grown to replace them. The children were then allowed to take them home.
The teacher said cactus seemed like a GOOD idea at the time.......
nice one, thx.
courtesy of the liquor lady:
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad! "What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks. "I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!" The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him. "I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"