my sister once left the gravy and giblet bag inside the turkey when she cooked it... I went over early to help her set the table and stuff and asked why the bird was smokin'... luckily i discovered the error before dinner was ruined.... (note she is 8 years my elder) :pbpt:
Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
World, but how can I be sure?
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've
Never had it confirmed.
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told that I I'm the sexiest of them alive!!'
but Sometimes I wonder.
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their
findings.The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror Told me that I am the strongest man in the world.
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed
that I I'm the sexiest of them alive!!' Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in her eyes and asked, "......
I've got a dyson but I would have shot Mike if he gave it to me for our aniversary...I almost shot him period just for buying it who needs an expensive vacuum your just going to fill it with dirt!
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
I've heard that my company (Jones Lang LaSalle) has had very extravagant christmas parties in the past and had one planned this year. Then Unisys (our client where I work at) announced that they won't have a party this year and JLL followed suit and cancled our already planned party so as to not make Unisys look bad. :barf: :barf: :barf: Unisys also announced that because their stock has been under a dollar, and the stock market requires stock to be at least $1 to trade publicly, that it was having a reverse stock split. Yep, thats right. Your 2 shares will only be worth one share now. Merry Christmas to all the unisys stock holders. :barf: :barf:
Dunwoody always had some kind of evening outing with spouses (we usually had to pay for our guest, but it was reasonable)... this year: during our In-Service (all day team training we hold each quarter) instead of having a Box Lunch - they are giving us a Hot Lunch... Merry Christmas.. :eyeroll:
nothing for christmas from my workplace yet, usually I get a target gift card for a small amount...
Boss is in Maine this winter, so maybe we won't get anything, I'm not sure. Not that I'm complaining anyways, in such times, I'm just thankful to be somewhat gainfully employed.
one thing that has not been cut at Ecolab was the Christmas party and a visit from Santa day where kids came out and the place was highly decorated and lots of treats. Alot has been changed around here though and people were laid off and corporate card spending cut and other stuff. But the Christmas party prevailed. thank goodness for some good cheer.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A medallion hunter was looking for the medallion in crosby a few years ago. He searched for hours with no luck. Finally he started toward the car. When he was about knee deep in the snow he tripped over anbig log. He turned it over and found the medallion!
Go buy a turkey
Take a drink of whisky
Put turkey in the oven
Take another 2 drinks of whisky
Set the degree at 375 ovens
Take 3 more whiskys of drink
Turk the bastey
Whisky another bottle of get
Ponder the meat thermometer
Glass yourself a pour of whisky
Bake the whisky for 4 hours
Take the oven out of the turkey
Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Turk the carvey
Get yourself another scottle of botch
Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Bless the dinner and pass out
One of my old girlfriends made a turkey once. She thought is was in one of those "cook in bags". Wrong!!!
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
World, but how can I be sure?
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've
Never had it confirmed.
Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told that I I'm the sexiest of them alive!!'
but Sometimes I wonder.
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their
findings.The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror Told me that I am the strongest man in the world.
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed
that I I'm the sexiest of them alive!!' Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in her eyes and asked, "......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Who in the heck is KITCH ????
oh... and Shrek would get his ass handed to him, if he got in a fight with Mighty Mouse.
long story...vince vaughen..etc..don't wanna name drop anymore
http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=5e32d548
:ooh: :sillygrin:
speak less
talk more but don't interupt..
which is it??
http://bewareofthedoghouse.com
that is the cadolac of vacuems!!!!
who needs Dimonds and gold???? :eek: :eek:
If it can't be fixed by duct tape or WD40, it's a female issue.
Question of the Day:
Which is more deadly, a baby shower or a brain storm?
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
seems almost illegle to me.
http://www.unisys.com/about__unisys/news_a_events/12058937.htm
Boss is in Maine this winter, so maybe we won't get anything, I'm not sure. Not that I'm complaining anyways, in such times, I'm just thankful to be somewhat gainfully employed.
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
 :smile:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
since she has the hots for clarice...
1. *Cheese*
 The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
 replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
 When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
 My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
 shoulder.
4. * Texas *
 My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
 Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
 Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
 I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
 I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
 We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
 My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
 My wife caught me in bed with another woman and I told her honey
 har ass ment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
 My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
 I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
 That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
DEFINITELY sending this to Texsis! :goofy: :goofy:
perfect for my work
http://forums.twincities.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=kr-tcitiesother&msg=8300.11&ctx=1 :cool: :goofy: :goofy: :goofy:
The Moral of the Story: Booty is Only Shin Deep
Monica Lewinsky turned 34
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?