OK, this doesn't need to be for rants, per se, but things that amuse/annoy/fascinate you about your job/business in general.
My most recent amusement. The candy machine in our break room has a mission statement on it. "OUR MISSION: To create and offer services that contribute to a more pleasant way of life for people whenever and wherever they come together."
All that from a box of milk duds! I never imagined.
no! i say it because in my general experience here, i have co-workers who live simply because it is illegal to kill them. actually i haven't met up with some of them in quite a while. i must be getting ready for a rant!
That's the thing Frosti, there is no way this company should be failing. Federated ran us right into the ground. Sometimes my mouth would just drop open in shock at some of the moves they made or didn't make. I don't understand how they keep themselves afloat.
Well, there was the time the jealous boyfriend of one of the girls at work came in and threatened to kill her for thinking she was cheating on him.
He drew a pistol, and fired, just as he slipped on some oil on the floor.
The bullet blew Mickey the machinist's nose right off his face, causing him to abruptly lurch backward, knocking some metal parts into a polishing machine.
The machine couldn't handle the load, and caught fire from an electrical failure.
The fire spread and soon the whole plant was in flames.
Being a windy day, the conflagration swept through the surrounding environs, consuming hundreds of businesses and homes.
It reached the Wild River Dam and burned out the power house, causing the sluice gate to lock in the shut position.
A raging wall of water, fed by a week of heavy rain, built up behind the dam.
It burst, flooding the entire town.
Dousing the fire.
Sweeping with such force that it tore the pants from the guy who fired the gun that started it all.
He stood before a drenched crowd, and the girl he tried to murder, with his penis shriveled down to the size of a peanut.
She said:
"Larry, I think it would be best if we started seeing other people."
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise,replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins!
I'm actually kind of bummed out, this weekend was supposed to be mandatory (and overtime) but they called us off both days :( I was actually looking forward to working a few more days before this job ends. It was interesting, challenging, friendly people, and good food (and a bonus to boot). Oh well, I know there will be another project down the road.
why does the combination of at&t and aol instant messenger have to sign me off on my cell phone at 1220 in the morning? ares wasn't exactly thrilled when his phone vibrated and woke him from his slumber! that makes 2 nites in a row i've woke up in the middle of the nite to that thing.
Hey now! I 'communicated' with you that night...I don't remember how or even why... (either by phone or IM) YOU STILL WERE WOKEN UP BY A VIBRATION IN YOUR PANTS! .....so don't be 'jumping the gun' and assume that I am lying.
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the job done.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . . .
somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct. . . somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring. . .somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good". . somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ...somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first...somebody doesn't have more than one child.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books . . .somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back . . somebody never organized seven giggling Girl Scouts to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home..... somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.....somebody isn't a mother.
I think when they are young kids -girls are easier than boys because boys usually have more destructive energy (making loud truck noises as they drive their toy cars into mud)-ripping legs off of bugs---"look at the wingless moth mom". BUT, as they grow up I think girls get harder- mood swings that they don't understand.
I think it is more emotional mental growth for parents with girls.
My husband says his daughters will never date because he was a boy once and knows how boys think. The emotional let go of a daughter can be way worse.
IF I did have a son though (I do have cousins and a nephew) ...he would be required to learn to open doors for the ladies, bring flowers and say compliment to their mom's and dates and soon a wife, wash dishes!, pick up his own socks off the floor, get his own fluids from the fridge, tell his mom he loves her in front of others, give their own dads hugs!
OK, this doesn't need to be for rants, per se, but things that amuse/annoy/fascinate you about your job/business in general.
My most recent amusement. The candy machine in our break room has a mission statement on it. "OUR MISSION: To create and offer services that contribute to a more pleasant way of life for people whenever and wherever they come together."
All that from a box of milk duds! I never imagined.
oh you so do not want me posting work rants here!
oh you so do not want me posting work rants here!
Did you have your hand on your hip and move your head from side to side when you said this?
no! i say it because in my general experience here, i have co-workers who live simply because it is illegal to kill them. actually i haven't met up with some of them in quite a while. i must be getting ready for a rant!
Now, I don't want to go off on a rant here, but...
oh you so do not want me posting work rants here!
::snap! snap! snap!::
::snap! snap! snap!::
yes dear?
OK OK! It says "rant and rave" on the title line. I just wanted to remind people of the rave portion. Rant away! Yikes!
::running::
Nobody wants this Fingerhut employee to start out on a rant either.
Fingerhut eh? That should be some good stuff. You're not at work, are you nadho?
maybe...
Get to work! No wonder the company's failing! LOL!
That's the thing Frosti, there is no way this company should be failing. Federated ran us right into the ground. Sometimes my mouth would just drop open in shock at some of the moves they made or didn't make. I don't understand how they keep themselves afloat.
Boyancy! Fat floats! It is the lifesaving function of management.
Well, there was the time the jealous boyfriend of one of the girls at work came in and threatened to kill her for thinking she was cheating on him.
He drew a pistol, and fired, just as he slipped on some oil on the floor.
The bullet blew Mickey the machinist's nose right off his face, causing him to abruptly lurch backward, knocking some metal parts into a polishing machine.
The machine couldn't handle the load, and caught fire from an electrical failure.
The fire spread and soon the whole plant was in flames.
Being a windy day, the conflagration swept through the surrounding environs, consuming hundreds of businesses and homes.
It reached the Wild River Dam and burned out the power house, causing the sluice gate to lock in the shut position.
A raging wall of water, fed by a week of heavy rain, built up behind the dam.
It burst, flooding the entire town.
Dousing the fire.
Sweeping with such force that it tore the pants from the guy who fired the gun that started it all.
He stood before a drenched crowd, and the girl he tried to murder, with his penis shriveled down to the size of a peanut.
She said:
"Larry, I think it would be best if we started seeing other people."
Here's my work rant:
I NEED WORK!!!!!
"SHOOT ME!"
I NEED WORK!!!!!
Here, take some of mine!
A Little Psychology for the Workplace
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise,replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins!
how true, thx.
Good One!
Unfortunately, that really is the way most large corporations work.
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters...
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (
(7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
THX, Don't forget the disclaimer:
No monkeys were harmed in the making of our company policy.
some are pretty good yuks.
www.despair.com
I'm actually kind of bummed out, this weekend was supposed to be mandatory (and overtime) but they called us off both days :( I was actually looking forward to working a few more days before this job ends. It was interesting, challenging, friendly people, and good food (and a bonus to boot). Oh well, I know there will be another project down the road.
not exactly a work rant, but....
why does the combination of at&t and aol instant messenger have to sign me off on my cell phone at 1220 in the morning? ares wasn't exactly thrilled when his phone vibrated and woke him from his slumber! that makes 2 nites in a row i've woke up in the middle of the nite to that thing.
Vibrations in the middle of the night? And your complaining? hmmmm
Good good GOOD good vibrations...
Vibrations in the middle of the night? And your complaining? hmmmm
must you always point out every single door i open (this one unintentionally), dear?
The more important question is why do you sleep with your phone on vibrate and OUCH!...what happens when you roll over?
its not like i wear the thing to bed.
that is not what you told me ;)-and when I called that night and it woke you up after 11....hmmmm.
me2! why for you go off and tell lies like that? you didn't call that nite. you sent me an im.
Hey now! I 'communicated' with you that night...I don't remember how or even why... (either by phone or IM) YOU STILL WERE WOKEN UP BY A VIBRATION IN YOUR PANTS! .....so don't be 'jumping the gun' and assume that I am lying.
in my pants????? i don't think so. see. another lie. right there :)
MOM - Job Description
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the job done.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
funny the same job description applies to: father, dad, daddy, pa
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . . .
somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct. . . somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring. . .somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good". . somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ...somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first...somebody doesn't have more than one child.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books . . .somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back . . somebody never organized seven giggling Girl Scouts to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.....somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home..... somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.....somebody isn't a mother.
dads have there share of parenting. but when you have pre-teen daughters----WALK AWAY! just go to the garage or like my husband....go to the garden!
dads have there share of parenting. but when you have pre-teen daughters----WALK AWAY! just go to the garage or like my husband....go to the garden!
Believe me I will be running!!!!
lol. i didn't know you had kids, jethro.
I have two. A boy and a girl. The girl is a fairly recent acquisition.
well then you've got a long ways to go before you'll have to run, i'm guessing. :)
But let me tell you that it has crossed my mind a time or two!!!!!!!!!
The girl is a fairly recent acquisition.
Congrats to you Jethro.
DITTO :) congratulations and goodluck :)
says the mother of one pre-teen daughter, and one who's not far behind :)
I think girls are so much easier than boys.
really JT?
I think when they are young kids -girls are easier than boys because boys usually have more destructive energy (making loud truck noises as they drive their toy cars into mud)-ripping legs off of bugs---"look at the wingless moth mom". BUT, as they grow up I think girls get harder- mood swings that they don't understand.
I think it is more emotional mental growth for parents with girls.
My husband says his daughters will never date because he was a boy once and knows how boys think. The emotional let go of a daughter can be way worse.
IF I did have a son though (I do have cousins and a nephew) ...he would be required to learn to open doors for the ladies, bring flowers and say compliment to their mom's and dates and soon a wife, wash dishes!, pick up his own socks off the floor, get his own fluids from the fridge, tell his mom he loves her in front of others, give their own dads hugs!